I don’t like my sister and I don’t care about her “mental health”

[Hoverfly1]

My sister is an alcoholic, she has lost her children because of it. She just sits in her filthy house all day drinking. She never makes any effort to deal with any of her problems, she denies that she drinks but she very much does, I think all day every day levels of alcoholism. I am sure that this is what the majority of her issues are caused by. She says she has bad anxiety and depression so can’t do anything for herself. She won’t even leave her house to go to the shop and will make out mum fetch anything she needs (my mum won’t buy her alcohol though and she clearly manages to get out the house for that).

She constantly phones me and my mum day and night about the most ridiculous things when she is drunk. Arguments she has had with her ex partner or things that have happened years ago, she once called me relentlessly in the middle of the night to tell me all her problems were my fault because I once pushed her off a swing when we were kids (I did do this when I was about 7).

If she doesn’t get enough attention from us because we are both busy (dm is 63 still works full time and my sisters children also live with her full time so she has a huge amount on her plate already, I am a single parent with a full time job) she will start sending us photos of self harm or threatening to kill herself, she has also harmed herself and phoned ambulances a lot in the past which means my mother will have to go and pick her up from hospital at all times of the night.

She once told me she had cancer and was going to die, which I never believed but she would message me about it every day telling me about the drs appointments she had been too. Once it became clear no one believed her she just deleted all the messages she’s sent about it and denied she had ever said it, then accused me of making things up and “gaslighting” her. she has also made up having dementia and pregnancies and miscarriages as well.

Todays she sent me a message first thing the morning implying she had been sexually assaulted. When I ignored it because I was driving she immediately followed it up with self harm photos. When i asked her where she was she said she had gone to stay with friends for a few days and been out drinking with them, despite the fact that she hasn’t bothered to walk down the street to see her own children for months because she of her “anxiety”. At that moment I just realised I don’t care anymore. I don’t like her as a person and I’m sick of being manipulated by her. I told her she was selfish and manipulative and asked her not to contact me again. I also suffer from depression and anxiety which I take medication for and I find the way she behaves very hard to deal with. I think this makes it harder for me to feel sorry for her though because I HAVE to deal with my problems there so no one to step in and help me if I don’t want to get out of bed one day. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to help herself a little bit, I’m starting to thinks she actually likes living like this.

I know this makes me a bad person because she obviously does have issues but I honestly don’t want to ever see her or talk to her again I know other people will judge me for it, i also know she will have shared the message I sent to her with a lot of people who will think I’m being horrible, she will very likely harm herself in some way because of it I’m scared she will actually do something serious.

How are you supposed to deal with someone like this without making things worse for them!?

You are not a cruel person.
Your sister is using her addiction to manipulate/even abuse you and your family.
You cannot save her, but you must preserve yourself. For you and your children.
It's a shame she's having such a hard time, but it's now up to her to save herself, with the help of professional services, if she deems it necessary.
I hope this step will help improve your mental health as well.

Exactly this. one of the biggest myths around suicide is that people who end their life don't speak about it when the reality is the majority do to someone whether that's directly or indirectly

Yes, exactly. I had to make that post as it’s so dangerous to think like that. If someone you love talks about it, PLEASE listen!! The chances are even if they likely won’t do it they still have those kinds of thoughts.

If she has self harmed multiple times and been in hospital for these things while threatening suicide and been under social services to lose her kids then surely she is under the mental health crisis team?

You can't apply sane logic to insane people.

When I opened the thread, I genuinely thought that the first post must have been written a few months ago by one of my relatives, about my mother.

OP, I understand your situation so well.

Your sister has made herself extremely ill through alcohol abuse. Her brain no longer works properly. Above all else, it craves alcohol, and she is no longer able to love or care for anyone else. Alcohol completely changes a person, and it took me 30 years to truly understand that. And it magnifies personality flaws into something monstrous.

Suicide attempts are often attention-seeking, but families can be blindsided (like mine) when they turn serious. It's entirely possible that this could happen.

You cannot save or change her.

What you must do now is whatever you can to help yourself. She will die one day, maybe sooner, maybe later, and you can help prepare yourself for it. That could mean taking more time to read resources for families of alcoholics or attending meetings, so that you truly, really get it into your head that you cannot do anything, and that it's not your fault, and nothing you can do or say will change things. It could also mean sending her a simple text or letter to say that you care, but cannot watch her destroy herself any longer. Gather your strength to say it calmly and with kindness, then step back.

As the saying goes "Don't set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm". You are allowed to step away. Many of us have gone before you.

Thanks @thatlastonereally that post my brother dying, I don’t usually keep all the detail in my post exact, do you?

OP, you have been a saint to stick her this long.

I would also be stepping away and just doing what I could for her kids.

Ive no real experience of it, but my guess is there is not a thing you can do for that level of narcissism.

Child of an alcoholic here and I am going to echo what others have said. You CANNOT help someone who will help themselves., It is impossible. You can only concentrate on the people you can help. Her children are really lucky to have you and your mum. I wish someone had taken me away. If she gets sober she can start the work to build relationships with you all again but otherwise, I would let her hit rock bottom. She either changes her behaviour or drags you all down there with her.

Your poor mum and poor you. I think you are right to step away. She sounds unbearable and also very, very unwell. She needs help but perhaps that's something she needs to realise she needs abd then she can reach out.

Like the majority of such people she simply has given up on life, because sometimes can be hard. That is not a nice person to be around nor a person who is interested in anyone else. Let her face a full head on collision, which either will make her or break her not, because she already is broken anyway but does not care about it.

Stop any contact.

You are not a bad person. You are being manipulated and the best thing you can do is step back. Look after yourself. Also, it's kind of like when someone is an enabler in that as long as she is "successful" at manipulating you, she'll keep on doing it and it may stop her sinking as low as she needs to to finally wake up and address her problems. She is responsible for herself - you are not responsible for her.

BPD can be a nightmare. There’s some great books for family members you might find helpful, as much as you want to pull away (and have the right to) she will still have at least some impact on you via the impact she has on your mother and her children so reading this stuff might really help. You’re not alone, so many families are affected by stuff like this

She isn't diagnosed with bpd she's an alcoholic their very very different things

I don’t have any other siblings our other sibling died!

Yes she is apparently diagnosed with a personality disorder as far as we know. It’s not easy to know what the truth of if all is. I’m not sure what support she should be getting though the nhs she says she get very little but it’s more likely that’s she won’t accept it. We have no way of knowing any of her medical information other than what she tells us which has been proven to be untrue in a lot of occasions

OP.

I'm the daughter of two addicts. One died of a drug overdose when I was a teen.

The other remains an addict and is homeless most of the time. She has also threatened suicide and self harm.

I've learned her mental health is not my responsibility.

You have done more than enough.

Also I'm sorry about the loss of your brother. 😢

Mental health services in the NHS are virtually non existent, it’s diabolical. It’s entirely possible she isn’t receiving the support she needs.

No she was just the same before, I’m sure it hadn’t helped but it wasn’t the cause of her alcoholism or mental health problems.

I am unfortunately very aware of the difference between these two things.

op stated-
She has been diagnosed with a a personality disorder I think BPD although not clear and she is the only one who really knows,

so I suggested she read one of those books

I agree @Teanbiscuits33 but she won’t attend appointment so she isn’t interested in engaging with the help she is offered. It difficult for us to really know what the situation is.