I don’t like my sister and I don’t care about her “mental health”

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My sister is an alcoholic, she has lost her children because of it. She just sits in her filthy house all day drinking. She never makes any effort to deal with any of her problems, she denies that she drinks but she very much does, I think all day every day levels of alcoholism. I am sure that this is what the majority of her issues are caused by. She says she has bad anxiety and depression so can’t do anything for herself. She won’t even leave her house to go to the shop and will make out mum fetch anything she needs (my mum won’t buy her alcohol though and she clearly manages to get out the house for that).

She constantly phones me and my mum day and night about the most ridiculous things when she is drunk. Arguments she has had with her ex partner or things that have happened years ago, she once called me relentlessly in the middle of the night to tell me all her problems were my fault because I once pushed her off a swing when we were kids (I did do this when I was about 7).

If she doesn’t get enough attention from us because we are both busy (dm is 63 still works full time and my sisters children also live with her full time so she has a huge amount on her plate already, I am a single parent with a full time job) she will start sending us photos of self harm or threatening to kill herself, she has also harmed herself and phoned ambulances a lot in the past which means my mother will have to go and pick her up from hospital at all times of the night.

She once told me she had cancer and was going to die, which I never believed but she would message me about it every day telling me about the drs appointments she had been too. Once it became clear no one believed her she just deleted all the messages she’s sent about it and denied she had ever said it, then accused me of making things up and “gaslighting” her. she has also made up having dementia and pregnancies and miscarriages as well.

Todays she sent me a message first thing the morning implying she had been sexually assaulted. When I ignored it because I was driving she immediately followed it up with self harm photos. When i asked her where she was she said she had gone to stay with friends for a few days and been out drinking with them, despite the fact that she hasn’t bothered to walk down the street to see her own children for months because she of her “anxiety”. At that moment I just realised I don’t care anymore. I don’t like her as a person and I’m sick of being manipulated by her. I told her she was selfish and manipulative and asked her not to contact me again. I also suffer from depression and anxiety which I take medication for and I find the way she behaves very hard to deal with. I think this makes it harder for me to feel sorry for her though because I HAVE to deal with my problems there so no one to step in and help me if I don’t want to get out of bed one day. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to help herself a little bit, I’m starting to thinks she actually likes living like this.

I know this makes me a bad person because she obviously does have issues but I honestly don’t want to ever see her or talk to her again I know other people will judge me for it, i also know she will have shared the message I sent to her with a lot of people who will think I’m being horrible, she will very likely harm herself in some way because of it I’m scared she will actually do something serious.

How are you supposed to deal with someone like this without making things worse for them!?

You are not responsible for your sister or her alcohol abuse. She has lost her children as she is unable to prioritise their needs. Hats off to your mum taking the children on as a kinship carer and to you as it is not easy and there is the huge emotional baggage and history that can be difficult to navigate on top of caring for little ones. It is not your weight to carry - it sounds like over the years, you’ve taken on a lot and shouldered a huge amount of you sister’s emotional distress.
it is scary to set a boundary when you have felt the weight of responsibility upon you.
you didn’t cause her alcohol addiction, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. All you can do is keep yourself safe emotionally from it and perhaps the only way is for you to do that is to distance yourself and prioritise you and your family.

It’s very, very difficult. The trouble is, it’s a vicious circle because if she does have BPD, one of the main things with that involves fear of abandonment, so it’s likely she is engaging in attention seeking behaviours to test your loyalty to her, ie if you think she has cancer she wants to see how much you care, and although she pushes you away through her behaviour, when you back off (which you rightly should) this will only exacerbate things because she has been ‘’abandoned’’ In her mind.

You should cool things a bit, let her know you’re finding it hard to deal with, but if she wants to seek proper support you will be there, but it has to come from her. Then step back. That’s all you can do.

AA uses the disease model of addiction and has helped millions of people stop drinking 🤷🏻‍♀️ there isn't a person alive who can prop up or cure an alcoholic. Believing it's a disease doesn't lead people to think someone else can fix them. Addiction is a disease of the mind not the body

There are ways of interacting with people which I feel can disrupt or exacerbate the issues. My family is plagued with personality disorders, trauma, alcoholism and addiction, so I’m speaking from experience. There is a younger family member (not my child) who has BPD and has really crossed the line with people and burnt bridges all over the place, but I have maintained a healthy relationship with them having a strategy of cheerleading or non engagement (depending on what’s happening), reminding them they are an adult in my words and deeds, not rescuing and not enabling. I am lucky that this young person isn’t like their mum (who sounds almost exactly like your sister), but I guess my point is that taking a really big step back and really learning about personality disorders can arm you to have a more sustainable and healthy response to what’s going on. I think The gold standard treatment for personality disorders does involve the entire family and it is very helpful if people can learn about it because the family is part of the dynamic.. If it turns out she hasn’t got one then no harm done, but diagnosis or not, it does sound like it.

You have a limited amount of energy and time that you can use to support people - it’s ok to choose to prioritise putting that into others (including your own kids), and indeed putting it into looking after yourself, when you’ve tried so hard and gotten such rotten responses back. If she had suddenly had a hard time and after having a great relationship for a long time she now needed some support it’s one thing - but no one, not even a sibling, has an endless right to support from you. Prioritising yourself and your own needs is not unreasonable - being so selfless you cause yourself harm is. My test is always whether when I put my energy into other people to help them through something do I feel somewhat mentally good afterwards from potentially being able to help them - if you have positive relationships and the spare energy I find you do feel good after being “selfless” but if you either have a poor relationship with someone, they can’t be helped or you don’t have enough spare reserves, you feel terrible afterwards and that means it isn’t working.

This is a very helpful and constructive post! Good advice for you here OP. And you're not a bad person at all!

You aren’t responsible for anyone else’s mental health and wellbeing. And her MH issues aren’t her fault, but they are her responsibility, only she can fix them. If losing her kids doesn’t snap her out of it, then I don’t think there is much you can do that would help either. Take a step back if you need to. I have done the same myself over the years as it’s exhausting and I don’t want to spend my life dealing with other people’s problems at the expense of my own health and sanity. I have my own family to look out for, and they come first.

OP I know how difficult it is to make a decision to step back from a situation such as your sisters but it’s all you can do really. A friend of mine has recently lost their job over something said and done whilst in the throes of an alcoholic binge and is still drinking. Lost children, relationships, employment, homes, health - all will be sacrificed at the altar of alcoholism.

Ive cut that friend off as the nastiness and aggression which he showed when drunk became so repulsive to me that I couldn’t continue the friendship. He hasn’t many friends if any left at all.

I feel for your mum and you and the kids but all you can do is back away and hope she eventually decides to quit.

She sounds desperately ''needy'' and very self absorbed.

Her sending you pics of her self harm it is just pure attention seeking.

Until your sister is able to admit she has a problem with her drinking, nothing can be done for her.

Your first responsibility is to yourself.

Your sister sounds to be in a hell of a mess, and I'm sorry for that.

Nhs mental health services will not help alcoholics with mental illness they will refer on to addiction services and then you go back to mh services as you can't technically be diagnosed with a mental illness while under the influence as the alcohol is affecting mood and behaviour. You also can't do any form of therapy under the influence as it wouldn't work

Really good advice.

I feel for you as I am going through the same with my daughter. Honestly, everything you have written is almost the same.
I am 73, lots of health issues and I don't know where to turn.

There are successful treatments for BPD on the NHS, but you have to be willing to engage and do the work. And there is no way they will refer her for those treatments while she is still drinking.

BPD and alcoholism is a particularly toxic combination.

You need to put boundaries in place to protect yourself and you should never ever feel guilty about that. I say that as someone with BPD.

Not if you live in an area where dbt doesn't exist like me then there isn't. The nhs mental health services is a postcode lottery

I know this feeling.
I saw the title of your OP and felt sympathy, because you are likely tired of feeling that you HAVE to have empathy and it is wearing you down.

My sister was a drain on my life, a vampire who demanded my time 24/7.
Thanks to the wonderful help I received on here, I finally unhooked myself for good. It is over 7 months now and not a day goes by where I don't thank my lucky stars that I dropped the guilt and moved on with confidence.

Here was my thread for anyone interested
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5014100-inexplicable-behaviour-from-my-sister

You cannot fix her.

She needs professional help, but the only way this will happen is if she accepts she has a problem and from the sound of it this isn't going to happen any time soon.

Don't be guilt-tripped with threats of self harm.

It's a shit situation to be in, but you aren't the cause of it and you can't put it right.

Whether you fully block her, or just withdraw to a safe distance is up to you.

@Differentstarts DBT is not the only treatment for BPD, but I do appreciate the NHS offer is not equal in all areas.

What other treatments?

Schema therapy also very good I think

I doubt my area would offer iv suggested multiple things in the past like dbt, mbt and others iv researched and am always told they just don't have them we have cbt in my area but they won't except bpd patients as their to high risk and still classed as primary care im under secondary care cmht so it's basically just checking I'm alive giving me my depo and with a bit of mindfulness thrown in there

Your MH issues could be linked to your sisters behaviour. It must be dreadful to have such awful communication with her. I bet it's draining, anxiety inducing. In all honesty, you did what you could, concentrate on your wellbeing, your children's and your mums, nephews well being.

I have a family member with MH issues, and when they are on the manic episode I get insomnia, heart rate goes through the roof when the phone pings, just feel sick and anxious all the time.

@Differentstarts

MBT, STEPPS, Schema Therapy, EMDR (for the trauma the usually accompanies this diagnosis).

You can also self-teach many DBT skills and concepts quite effectively - they are not particularly complicated concepts but d require you to be open minded, be prepared to self-reflect, even when that’s hard, and be committed to ongoing practice and actively working on your self awareness (for years potentially).

But that’s the same for all the treatments - it’s not the treatments themselves that are some kind of magic ‘ta da! Your cured!’ - they are just the start and it’s up each individual then what they do with that, to continue to apply the learning and skills every day lo no after the therapy course has finished.

And going back to the OP - NONE of that has a cat in hells chance of having any impact when someone is drinking or using other substances.

God, yeah, I totally believe you, the system is fucked and there’s not enough support

if you have Spotify, there’s a absolutely brilliant series of schema therapy podcasts, slightly cheesy presentation, but honestly it’s really good. The good mood clinic it’s called

This website is worth a look as well schematherapyonline.com