I don’t like my sister and I don’t care about her “mental health”

[Hoverfly1]

My sister is an alcoholic, she has lost her children because of it. She just sits in her filthy house all day drinking. She never makes any effort to deal with any of her problems, she denies that she drinks but she very much does, I think all day every day levels of alcoholism. I am sure that this is what the majority of her issues are caused by. She says she has bad anxiety and depression so can’t do anything for herself. She won’t even leave her house to go to the shop and will make out mum fetch anything she needs (my mum won’t buy her alcohol though and she clearly manages to get out the house for that).

She constantly phones me and my mum day and night about the most ridiculous things when she is drunk. Arguments she has had with her ex partner or things that have happened years ago, she once called me relentlessly in the middle of the night to tell me all her problems were my fault because I once pushed her off a swing when we were kids (I did do this when I was about 7).

If she doesn’t get enough attention from us because we are both busy (dm is 63 still works full time and my sisters children also live with her full time so she has a huge amount on her plate already, I am a single parent with a full time job) she will start sending us photos of self harm or threatening to kill herself, she has also harmed herself and phoned ambulances a lot in the past which means my mother will have to go and pick her up from hospital at all times of the night.

She once told me she had cancer and was going to die, which I never believed but she would message me about it every day telling me about the drs appointments she had been too. Once it became clear no one believed her she just deleted all the messages she’s sent about it and denied she had ever said it, then accused me of making things up and “gaslighting” her. she has also made up having dementia and pregnancies and miscarriages as well.

Todays she sent me a message first thing the morning implying she had been sexually assaulted. When I ignored it because I was driving she immediately followed it up with self harm photos. When i asked her where she was she said she had gone to stay with friends for a few days and been out drinking with them, despite the fact that she hasn’t bothered to walk down the street to see her own children for months because she of her “anxiety”. At that moment I just realised I don’t care anymore. I don’t like her as a person and I’m sick of being manipulated by her. I told her she was selfish and manipulative and asked her not to contact me again. I also suffer from depression and anxiety which I take medication for and I find the way she behaves very hard to deal with. I think this makes it harder for me to feel sorry for her though because I HAVE to deal with my problems there so no one to step in and help me if I don’t want to get out of bed one day. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to help herself a little bit, I’m starting to thinks she actually likes living like this.

I know this makes me a bad person because she obviously does have issues but I honestly don’t want to ever see her or talk to her again I know other people will judge me for it, i also know she will have shared the message I sent to her with a lot of people who will think I’m being horrible, she will very likely harm herself in some way because of it I’m scared she will actually do something serious.

How are you supposed to deal with someone like this without making things worse for them!?

There is nothing you can do to help her. My alcoholic sibling died earlier this year at a relatively young age.

I had taken the decision some time before then to cut contact which included blocking all forms of communication.

The drunk phone calls were particularly hard to deal with. Also the denial. The blaming of other people. The pie-in-the-sky bullshit.

I walked away from it all and have zero regrets. My life was a lot better without them in it.

OP you're not a bad person. You have just reached your limit and have been truly tolerant and understanding. You're a single, hardworking mum. "Fit your own oxygen mask first" and look after you and your DC. Sending a hug. You are not responsible for mending or rescuing your sister. Only she can start that journey x

Sending you a big unmumsnetty hug. You have every right to block contact and every right to prioritise your health and your needs. I echo other posters and hope you can access some support from agencies that help addicts families. Try not to feel guilty, you are doing the right thing. x

It’s really hard.

Has she ever received help for her mental health? (I don’t just mean the GP throwing antidepressants at people).

My brother's an alcoholic, I recognise the high drama, the blaming, the attention- and pity-seeking, manipulative behaviour. I've spent nights in A&E with him when he's said he's self-harmed (he hadn't), had emergency services in my home because of him, been to his GP with him, taken him to counselling, and on and on ... it's exhausting and pointless. Of course you're not a bad person op and it's not your responsibility to fix your sibling.

She's ill and needs help, but it's not your job to help her, only she can do that.
Also, if she does do anything to hurt herself IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

Your DS is ill. That's not your fault. Ultimately she must decide how things pan out.

Perhaps she has to reach rock bottom and be dis-enabled by both you and your DM to finally realise that she needs help. Of course it could go either way - but how are you both supposed to go on with this mental horror show in the background.

No wonder you are depressed with this endless worry in your mind.

I am so sorry OP. If she could go to AA or rehab and admit she has a problem that would be the first step.

Some addicts will, some won't.

At the moment she's still playing the victim. Until she takes agency of her own life, nothing will change.

I'd probably send her a message of this sort to say it's time to sort yourself out or the help stops and you're on your own.

I'd suggest your DM needs to do it too. Of course if a person does take their own life, you have to live with that guilt. It's a huge risk. But it sounds like you've lived with it for years. Where does it go from here? She's controlling you both and it's nor fair.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to cut contact. It sounds incredibly difficult, and you have so much to manage already. I have a friend who has anxiety, who basically opts out of a lot of things she ought to do. People around her step in and pick up the slack. Whether she can’t or she won’t I genuinely don’t know. But I often wonder what would happen to us if I couldn’t - we simply have no one to step in. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t happen. Full stop. So I do. But the same token if she had no one to step in, would she find she could, if she had to? And if I had to have anxiety in order to get my needs met by those around me, would I?! I don’t know.

I know it’s hard. I left an alcoholic. And in the end I decided it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter whether it was a choice or a disease or an addition or whether he could help it or not. I couldn’t live with him with without losing myself to his addiction. And if he didn’t have a choice, well, I did. Our daughter didn’t have a choice and deserved better. It enabled me to think of him with sympathy and compassion AND to leave and preserve myself in order to parent our child. He died two years later. I still think of him as a distressed person who coped the best way he could. But I suspect it says more about me than him. And I’m ok with that.

Thanks for all the replies, sorry I posted in dramatic way and then went to do my shopping so only just had a chance to see the replies!

To answer some of the posts my sister and I are both in our late 30s. She has been diagnosed with a a personality disorder I think BPD although not clear and she is the only one who really knows, and she has a cpn although she refuses to take herself to any appointments so won’t go unless my mum takes time off work to give her a lift.

Also I want to say this is not just about her being an addict. I have another family member who is a heroin addict and his behaviour is nothing like this, I actually don’t feel the same towards him at all as I feel like he actually wants to get better and tries, and is also a nice person despite everything. whereas my sister does seem to enjoy being this way because she wants people to pity her and she can be a very unpleasant person.

I do try and support my mum but we are both very much in the trenches of young kids and work which I know is exhausting for her, but I live about 40 miles away from them so I’m not able to just pop in and help her out as much as I want to.

Addictions are symptomatic of pre existing mental health problems, they aren’t the root cause of all issues, although they do exacerbate things and cause additional problems. Whilst I don’t blame you for stepping back as we all suffer compassion fatigue and she has to be the one to help herself, she hasn’t ended up in her situation for nothing.

I would definitely recommend Al-Anon as a source of information and support.
Your sister’s number one desire is to drink - it comes first above her own children, her mum, and you.
As a result, you are being abused. There are no thoughts of the pressure on you, because your sister’s only thought is about her next drink and where it is coming from.
It is possible for her to get help and try sobriety but it can only come from her. Until she at least tries, there is nothing you can do.
It’s time to take care of yourself and cherish your mum, who sounds like a wonderful lady. I’m sure no one around you would judge you over this sister - they will be well aware of the difficulties.
Sadly, alcoholics who are drinking are utterly selfish. It is a disease that is tough on loved ones, and at some point compassion fatigue sets in.
Look after yourself, go NC for a while and let your sister do her thing. She won’t give your upset a moment’s thought.

My DB is an alcoholic, I had to draw a line to having him in my life after years of really crappy behaviour mainly aimed at me. I had NC for 12 years and then a couple years ago gave him another chance after our DF became ill. I was once again getting drunken phone calls with wild theories and accusations and then he caused a massive amount of trouble again, thankfully he has stayed away from me since he did that and I like it that way he's blown all his chances now and life is peaceful. Don't feel guilty OP people like your DS like to have a scapegoat to blame for all their problems, let it be someone else as you've put up with enough.

No no others siblings. My dad is also an alcoholic and none of us keep in contact with him much. He used to behave a lot like my sister and I went nc with him for it a long time ago

I think you need to step back. Alcohol has clearly taken over. It up to her if she wants to access support. Also, from the description, she may have traits of EUPD.

Unfortunately you can’t help addicts, they need to help themselves. She’s probably not lying about anxiety, addiction means that your brain synapses don’t work like other people’s because they’ve been damaged. Addiction means that is your priority over everything, including your own children. Manipulation will be a part of this unfortunately. I’d say you’ll be there if she ever goes clean but you are cutting all ties for your sake and your family. It’s difficult for your Mum because that’s a whole different bond and although I’d give the same advice it must be unbelievably difficult for her to break bonds. But you can, support your Mum to a certain extent but don’t pander to it. It’s heartbreaking and there’s no solution unless she makes the move to address her mental and physical addiction issues really.

I can relate to so much of the behaviour you describe with my own sister. Self-harm, telling people about lack of care, needs a constant forced priority. Thankfully without children in the mix.
I pretty much cut contact when I moved. Didn’t share address or my phone number. It changed my life. Years later we are now low contact again, it reset the horrible cycle a lot.
She also was forced into help as I stopped preventing the spiral. She was inpatient for a year and then had a social worker and supported housing for a while. It forced change .
Shes stil the same really, but it built a world without me and my mum as the focus to harass frankly

Your sister is gonna kill herself, all right.
Slowly, and over a matter of time.
That’s how alcoholism works.
People who threaten to kill themselves are busy talking - not doing.
I lost two family members to suicide - neither said a single solitary word about harming themselves.
They just did it.
We all have our saturation points — you’ve hit yours. I think if circumstances were different you wouldn’t be saying you hate your sister and I’m not sure you really do hate her now.
Just like a piece of elastic, your empathy and compassion and respect and patience and all things holy have been stretched beyond the breaking point.
I’m sorry that someone who should love and care for you has taken advantage of you in this way.
It’s a low down crying shame.
Sending love.

Sounds like BPD, and someone I used to know.

Not everyone who talks about suicide is bluffing. But OP, it's always going to be her decision. She has a choice whether or not to hurt herself. You have a choice whether or not to be involved with her. It sounds totally unmanageable to me, certainly as long as she drinks. Maybe even if she stops drinking. But in your situation I would certainly be working on the basis that I couldn't even begin to think about any sort of contact or involvement unless she stopped drinking. It must be very hard to see this in your sister after you lived with it in your dad.

Sounds like an alcoholic to me like the op stated

Yes, some people who talk about killing themselves are doing it as a cry for help but just because someone talks about suicide, it doesn’t mean they won’t do it. I know people who said they felt suicidal and have carried it out. I’m not saying she’s going to, but it’s not a reliable indicator of no real intent. Sometimes people are being open and honest about feeling that way.

You are not a bad person. People as ill as your sister are incredibly difficult to deal with, but I’m going to go against what most posters have said and say that she is your sister and family are sometimes the only people that someone in that situation has. She may be too ill to make changes for herself. I agree she has to be willing but she may be too ill to do anything about it. Alcoholism is a disease usually caused by depression/anxiety/trauma. Sometimes the symptoms of all these diseases can be mistaken for manipulation and gaslighting. Would she be open to rehab? If she wants to get better but can’t do it on her own, if it was me I’d let her know that I’m here for her and willing to organise her rehab (I haven’t read all the posts so I’m sorry if this has been discussed and she’s said no - different situation then) but for someone clearly so ill to discover that there is someone in the world that cares and is willing to help them as long as they want to get better then kindness and sympathy and organisation of some kind of rehab program for her might go a long way. She’ll learn in rehab, the damage she’s caused to your family and may understand the pain she’s caused you and your mum

Everyone has a limit op. If maintaining contact with her is affecting your wellbeing more than you can cope with it's absolutely right to protect yourself by cutting contact. Not as severe what you described but I had a friend who was in a self destructive addiction spiral. I felt like she used me almost like a sounding board to allow herself to justify herself or to escalate behaviour. The guilt is so very hard when ultimately what you want is for the person to be safe and happy. You can make it clear that you'll always be her sister and when she gets sober and sort herself out you can repair the relationship but until then you can't/won't be in contact. You can't make someone change and ultimately you need to be in the best mental space to be a parent. ❤️

Sounds like an alcoholic with possible EUPD or traits with EUPD. Personality are common in people with addiction.