I don’t like my sister and I don’t care about her “mental health”

[Hoverfly1]

My sister is an alcoholic, she has lost her children because of it. She just sits in her filthy house all day drinking. She never makes any effort to deal with any of her problems, she denies that she drinks but she very much does, I think all day every day levels of alcoholism. I am sure that this is what the majority of her issues are caused by. She says she has bad anxiety and depression so can’t do anything for herself. She won’t even leave her house to go to the shop and will make out mum fetch anything she needs (my mum won’t buy her alcohol though and she clearly manages to get out the house for that).

She constantly phones me and my mum day and night about the most ridiculous things when she is drunk. Arguments she has had with her ex partner or things that have happened years ago, she once called me relentlessly in the middle of the night to tell me all her problems were my fault because I once pushed her off a swing when we were kids (I did do this when I was about 7).

If she doesn’t get enough attention from us because we are both busy (dm is 63 still works full time and my sisters children also live with her full time so she has a huge amount on her plate already, I am a single parent with a full time job) she will start sending us photos of self harm or threatening to kill herself, she has also harmed herself and phoned ambulances a lot in the past which means my mother will have to go and pick her up from hospital at all times of the night.

She once told me she had cancer and was going to die, which I never believed but she would message me about it every day telling me about the drs appointments she had been too. Once it became clear no one believed her she just deleted all the messages she’s sent about it and denied she had ever said it, then accused me of making things up and “gaslighting” her. she has also made up having dementia and pregnancies and miscarriages as well.

Todays she sent me a message first thing the morning implying she had been sexually assaulted. When I ignored it because I was driving she immediately followed it up with self harm photos. When i asked her where she was she said she had gone to stay with friends for a few days and been out drinking with them, despite the fact that she hasn’t bothered to walk down the street to see her own children for months because she of her “anxiety”. At that moment I just realised I don’t care anymore. I don’t like her as a person and I’m sick of being manipulated by her. I told her she was selfish and manipulative and asked her not to contact me again. I also suffer from depression and anxiety which I take medication for and I find the way she behaves very hard to deal with. I think this makes it harder for me to feel sorry for her though because I HAVE to deal with my problems there so no one to step in and help me if I don’t want to get out of bed one day. I can’t understand why she doesn’t want to help herself a little bit, I’m starting to thinks she actually likes living like this.

I know this makes me a bad person because she obviously does have issues but I honestly don’t want to ever see her or talk to her again I know other people will judge me for it, i also know she will have shared the message I sent to her with a lot of people who will think I’m being horrible, she will very likely harm herself in some way because of it I’m scared she will actually do something serious.

How are you supposed to deal with someone like this without making things worse for them!?

My father once told me everyone is responsible for themselves, and he's right.

I am also someone who also suffers with anxiety and depression so it's not coming from a place of ignorance I promise.

She sounds very selfish and people like her have to hit rock bottom to get better. As harsh as this will sound, because you and your mum are helping her out of love it's enabling her behaviour when she gets a response to the attention seeking behaviour. She'll have to find other ways to get your attention, like trying to get better and stop acting like a brat.

A lot of her behaviours will be symptoms of her alcoholism. But only she can sort that out, nobody can do it for her and she needs to want to do it or it won't work.

An alcoholic family member used to manipulate me like this, once I stopped 'helping' they had to help themselves but not before things got very bad. I had insane guilt anxiety and panic attacks about it. It was affecting my mental health and my relationships so I had to stop helping / enabling as mean as it seemed.

You've done so well to make this far with her, break the ties because youve got your own life, problems and commitments. Hopefully she sorts herself out and you can have a relationships with her in the future but until then put your happiness and responsibilities first x

Yeah well, my sister did this. Dad was dying and they said to visit. So we did
She didn't come. When he died shortly after she cried on the phone - I said - well you didn't come.
She phoned me up, saying how was my drinking going.
Oh dear. Absolutely transferring stuff on me
Then moaned about the estate , which I was sorting out, didn't get to her quickly enough
Carked it after the money was transferred.
Guess she drank herself to death - had already had pints pumped out of her body for alcoholism.
You can't help some people I'm afraid

Just wanted to suggest reaching out to Al-anon. No idea if already suggested it but they are a charity that provide support to those who are affected by loved ones who suffer from alcoholism.

Well I'm off to top myself after reading that self absorbed load of real life problems, I suggest you give your head a shake and you're sister a slap....
Tot tar

My sister sounds almost identical..ther was the (made up) cancer.And unverifiwd domestic abuse,but she hangs around with horrible assholes so god knows what goes on..She is always the victim and everyone else is to blame. She has no friends no home, nothing. Though she has a law degree and came from a decent family. She has stolen thousands from our elderly parents and justified it because she was their 'carer' though mostly she was blind drunk and living in their home because had nowhere else to go. Don't feel guilty about thr despicable behaviour of your sister. It is not your fault.

You are not selfish you have to prioritise your own health. She is abusing and manipulating you and your mum. Did she go to friends? If she can do that to go drinking she can walk to see her kids. She has to want to change and sad as it is you cannot help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. You and your mum should step back let her get on with it. I know it would be extremely difficult especially for your mum. Sometimes tough love has to be done. Don’t feel bad you have no reason to. Good luck.

You are weary & hurt.
Weary of bad alcohol induced bad behaviour. Attention seeking , depressed , desperate and drunk behaviour. You probably do love your sister , and worry about her ....else why would you put up with it for so long ? Is it a sense of duty to your sis /mum?
Either way you don't sound like a bad person .
Just worn out by infuriating alcoholic behaviour.

I know much more than this re alcoholism. I just am reassuring op she isn't dead inside or odd or a bad person.

Thank you, this is the first time I have seen a critique of alcoholism as a disease.

Block her.

This is it. One of the hardest things for me to deal with was that I hated my mother for the way she behaved. Her selfishness, self-centredness, irresponsibility, complete lack of empathy etc. No love or care for anyone around her. It was monstrous. Nothing has ever disturbed or frightened me so much.

It wasn't until after her death that I was able to understand that she wasn't evil. Rather, decades of alcohol abuse had completely broken her brain and changed her personality. Why didn't I understand that sooner? I'm not stupid. But the hell of living with her made it impossible to look at the situation with any kind of clarity.

We always encouraged, we never stopped hoping she would recover. But we didn't know that she had gone so far, recovery was impossible.

It is hideous watching someone you love change like this.

You and your mum could join online Naranon meetings for support from those who wish to learn how to live with a loved one who's an addict without letting it destroy them too.

The book codependent no more by Melodie Beattie is also very helpful.

This doesn’t make you a bad person.

You have to prioritise your children and your own mental health.

Nothing in her life can change until she wants it to. There is nothing you or your mum can do for an adult who wants to be this way.

Block her if you feel it will help. Encourage your other family to stop enabling her. If she is threatening to harm herself then report it to the police and let them institutionalise her.

She’s an alcoholic and need help, but not from you! Are social services not involved? (You’re NOT being unreasonable, but she can’t help her behaviour. She needs rehab.) Good luck.

As a recovering alcoholic myself and someone who suffers with mental health,i will tell you how i was made to turn a corner,it's just my story but maybe it could help you and your family.
My family tryed everything with me,sending me to rehab,tough love,cutting me off(which only made me worse)in the end the only thing left to do was have me sectioned.
There,i received help for my mental health,they found the right medication for me and had to give me med's to detox because if i had just stopped on my own i could have a fit and die.
I hope this helps.

You can put a block on your phone via your phone company and just shut her out. Your local AA can also give you advice. I’ve seen this lots of times so it’s not just you.

This sounds to me like your sister has an extremely difficult psychiatric condition to deal with hence why you and your family get hit by a wall each time they try to help her, I personally believe she has more than just depression and anxiety but a personality disorder which can have depression and anxiety accompanying it as well a exploitative and manipulative behaviours like you have described. Personally I wouldn't block her, but ignore her messages if you need a break from this, that way you can both contact each other while not feeding her any behaviours which would give her personal gains at the expense of others.

My sister has Borderline Personality Disorder, and this is a difficult condition for even clinicians to diagnose and treat, I advise that you get in touch with social services and explain the problem, she is self-harming herself, she is manipulating others, this means she is potentially dangerous to herself and others, and that warrants a section, being forced onto a psychiatric ward may be the only way she will ever get right. You have tried helping her yourself, and getting her to help herself, it hasn't worked so don't feel bad, you tried, now it's down to the healthcare system.

I haven't spoken to 2 of my brothers since 1997 !! They were both vile to me at our mother's funeral. I called both of them out for spouting that they'd looked after her so well, when in fact they rarely bothered with her. All utter bull crap !!! It was me who did everything for her. So I decided that I wasn't going to contact either of them again....they could contact me if they wanted to speak to me. Neither of them ever has. And I don't give 2 hoots. Their loss. You can't pick your family. And you've taken more than is reasonable from your sister. Walk away and don't look back.

It all depends on the panel undertaking the MHA; unfortunately these can be wildly inconsistent even within the same trust.

You are doing the right thing. I am bipolar suffer terribly with anxiety and dip from major depression to highs. I was a heavy drinker, but managed to cut it to weekends, then cut out altogether on 01.01.2022. Drinking will exacerbate her anxiety. Only she can stop and take the first steps to recovery for her mental health. You are not responsible for what she does or says. If she self harms or worse, that is on her, nothing you do or say will stop that.
You need to stay away from her for your mental health and well being.
If she is sharing messages with so called friends, who cares, what they think of you is her opinion and theirs, ignore it or forget it.
Please take care of YOU. She is a grown ass woman and needs to step up. I am so sorry you are going through this, I put my family through the same kind of things, only I kept my kids with me.
Take care of yourself x

Well done on quitting - not an easy feat

She absolutely enjoys living like that, on some level. It’s comfortable, even if it is hellish. Think of all the power she wields over your mother, and until recently, YOU!! She can do whatever she likes and she faces no consequences. She is a child.

I say this as someone who has anxiety, depression, and alcohol use disorder. I haven’t lost my kids, and I no longer drink.

My own sister has anxiety, depression, smokes a ton of weed, and drinks. She hasn’t worked in a decade, and has six children in her tiny, disgustingly filthy home. I tried to help her, but she refused to get rid of anything (she’s also a hoarder). When she began trying to ruin my marriage I cut her off. I refuse to enable her. She’s capable of getting help, and supposedly she is in therapy but she is about to be evicted and still sounds very mentally unwell.

My obligation is to my family that I created. As is yours. You are doing the right thing. God speed.

As someone in the same boat with a sibling and who has had to do the same thing, I completely get it and I think the only way it will get through to her to finally sort herself out will be for your mother to do the same. I’ve been through it with another family member too, they finally stopped drinking when they realised we weren’t putting up with their shit anymore.

You are not a bad person.

One of my family members was an alcoholic and eventually drank themselves to death. It was hell, utter hell and nothing could get through to them. Being understanding and kind, tough love, begging them, crying, shouting. None of it worked. They have to help themselves. I wish we I had taken a huge step back and protected myself more rather than have lost years feeling helpless and angry.

It was extremely difficult after they died because the overwhelming feeling was relief they were dead. And then terrible guilt for feeling relieved.

All of this is to say....look after yourself and your children first.

I cut off contact from my sister last Xmas. Although initially I felt some regret I think that is normal. The feeling of relief now is wonderful. No more long conversations about how dreadful her life is & how she's unable to change it. No more stories about her out of control adopted boy & the horrors he has unleashed on the local community. No more bleating about how none of it is her fault. Just peace. My advice is Leave her & start enjoying your life otherwise she will drag you down.