DH stormed out because my DD was shouting mummy

[Babybirdmum]

So my husband was putting our toddler for a nap and I was settling the baby. I heard her shouting mummy mummy so I went to see what was wrong. He wasn’t making much effort to get her to sleep just getting her to lie in her bed. He was angry at me for coming in the room. I feel like I can’t ignore my child who’s shouting for me. He’s stormed off. He said I used to hate it when he’d come in when I would settle her to sleep at night, but the difference was she would just be crying not shouting for daddy. And I used to hate it because I’d been trying for hours and he’d usually come in just as I nearly had her asleep. My issue is I don’t understand why he’s got so angry for coming seeing if she’s ok when she’s crying mummy’s. He said I am undermining him but I don’t see how. It all feels a bit controlling to me. :

Well it does sound a bit controlling but not necessarily from your DH’s side.

You’ve got two young children and he’s probably feeling inadequate. You’re both stressed. Go and talk to him later when you’ve both calmed down and (hopefully!) both kids are asleep.

If you go every time she shouts then he will never be able to settle her. She was safe with a parent and you going in disturbed that

It is undermining and controlling but by you, not your DH. How do you expect their relationship to develop if you don’t let it?

Unless he asks for your help, you need to stay out! Let him settle her his own way.

He may feel undermined if you’re not giving him a chance to settle her and you’re going in whenever she calls.

He should leave to calm down if emotions are too high to have a productive conversation about it. Storming out for hours and not coming home for ages – perhaps not.

That aside, you were unreasonable to go into the room and I do think it is undermining his authority as the parent in that scenario. Kids will really push it when they don’t want to nap/go to bed and you intervening every time she calls ‘mummy’ is a bad idea.

Yup, as a PP said, if you go in every time then she will never settle for him. DS used to cry for me every time DP was putting him to bed, but finally after a long time of us doing every other evening he will settle for DP. It was really hard for both of us to persist but the only way out is through with that.

You don't want to be moaning in a year that you do all the bedtimes with both kids because their dad "can't".

The toddler had one of her parents with her and she was being settled down. She was safe. YOU DO NOT ENTER THAT ROOM unless the other parent requests it or the child is being hurt.

You belittled, undermined and overstepped.

You knew he was there and you’ve disrupted him trying to settle her, suggested he was doing it wrong, and confirmed to your DD that you’ll come running every time she’s looking to get out of going to sleep and delay the situation.

You should’ve left them to it, I can see why he was irritated.

Start saying you are popping out when dh has them so they know it's his 'shift'.. Stop being a martyr...

Thanks for the feedback. I don’t usually go in because he puts her to bed every night but they usually have a lovely bedtime, yes she cries sometimes but she doesn’t normally call for me so this was out of the ordinary. I just feel like I can’t do anything right at the moment. They’re always something I’m doing wrong

IF you felt you really needed to go in you could have supported him and told toddler daddy is helping them go to bed, they don't need you both. Is this a reverse. You automatically assumed there was something wrong and unless you've got real concerns you didn't need to interfere.

I’m with your DH on this - if he’s doing nap time then you coming in just because your toddler shouts for you is undermining him or suggesting you don’t trust him to handle it. Unless she’s screaming in a way that suggests she’s in actual pain or danger then leave him to it. If you don’t trust him enough to do that then you have a problem.

I ignored my kids crying for Mummy when Daddy was doing something with them - it didn’t hurt them to learn that Mummy was not always available and that Daddy could look after them just as well as I could. And that if Daddy said it was bedtime or they couldn’t have x then Mummy wasn’t going to swoop in and save them from his perfectly reasonable decisions!

I would have definitely gone in if my child was shouting for me directly .

Anything could have been wrong
Your husband could have passed out or fallen.

Also I know someone whose grandad used to bath her and insist he could settle her. He is now a convicted child sex abuser.

I hear my child yelling for me, I go. I don't give a fuck whose feelings it hurts. It's too risky not to.

Then you and your DP need to come up with some signals - when to step in and when to step back.

I don’t get the responses here. If my child was calling for me I’d go in. And my husband wouldn’t storm out angrily!

You're undermining him. If she really needed you I'm sure he would have let you know. You used to be angry when he came in, there's no difference.

Your child is calling for you and you’re being given shit on here for going to her? Ridiculous.

we tag team constantly during bedtimes and other times. If all is going well with one of us then generally the other keeps away. If it’s not and a child is calling for me, ill
go in and my partner buggers off. It really isn’t that serious.

Assuming it’s the first time it’s happened, I’d probably have done the same. He will have thought you were overstepping and undermining him, because you were but it wasn’t intentional.

I would just say you’re sorry and next time you’ll wait for him to call for you if he needs you. His reaction was a bit much though, so hopefully he apologises too.

You're undermining him, it's annoying.

I don’t understand why he’s got so angry for coming seeing if she’s ok when she’s crying mummy’s

Why wouldn’t she be okay? She’s with her father, not screaming alone.

He said I am undermining him

He’s not wrong, you’re even moaning about the way in which he’s putting her down for a nap being wrong.

but I don’t see how. It all feels a bit controlling to me

Interesting.

Try not to give it too much headspace, you’re probably both knackered. Nobody did anything especially heinous.