DH stormed out because my DD was shouting mummy

[Babybirdmum]

So my husband was putting our toddler for a nap and I was settling the baby. I heard her shouting mummy mummy so I went to see what was wrong. He wasn’t making much effort to get her to sleep just getting her to lie in her bed. He was angry at me for coming in the room. I feel like I can’t ignore my child who’s shouting for me. He’s stormed off. He said I used to hate it when he’d come in when I would settle her to sleep at night, but the difference was she would just be crying not shouting for daddy. And I used to hate it because I’d been trying for hours and he’d usually come in just as I nearly had her asleep. My issue is I don’t understand why he’s got so angry for coming seeing if she’s ok when she’s crying mummy’s. He said I am undermining him but I don’t see how. It all feels a bit controlling to me. :

They are little versions of ourselves and never forget that. If she can get away by playing one of against the other then she will.

This ^^

It’s really interesting to see the very staunch responses with the common theme of “undermining” being mentioned. My husband and I are very traditional though so I mostly do the nighttime routines and he’ll come in to kiss our children goodnight. It works for us so we’ve never had to worry about undermining as our roles are fairly defined (which we like!). If my husband is on the odd occasion doing the tucking in however, and one of our children called out for me (it has happened) then he’s good humoured about it. We both are.

Op, you did nothing wrong at all. Toddlers naturally want their mothers for nurturing activities. It’s normal. And your response as a mother is also natural.

A father tries to settle his c then the situation is taken over from him. I'd be annoyed in his shoes but not enough to storm off. That's childish.
You could have let him get on with it so he can learn to settle his c himself.
So many posters on here moan that h/p isn't involved and sits on the seatee looking at their phone / tv/ gaming. Some will be lazy bastards but I wonder how many have tried in the beginning only to be told 'I'll settle lo, they prefer me to do it.' ? Mum becomes the required parent and if I was p/h I'd be thinking 'I try to do stuff , it's not good enough so fuck it, let her moan.'

Actually, this makes sense. Scarily so.

The title is misleading. Your DH stormed off because you came into the room while he was busy trying to get your child to bed. Not because your child was shouting mummy.

In this scenario I’d be annoyed if I was your DH. He didn’t ask for help and you’ve overstepped. In this scenario I’d probably have texted my DH to say ‘shout if you want to swap’

Tin hat time folks. Bloody Russian bots.🙄 Does anyone take the majority of MN that seriously and believe everything they read on here? FFS

Text, good idea, never had phones when I had young kids, this would have been perfect for me.

You’re undermining his parenting and stepping on his toes when he’s in charge of the bedtime.

Next time it happens try to just let him get on with it or if you really need to go in there, tell your child that Daddy is doing bedtime and they need to listen to him.

If I took over every time my kids asked for me then DH would never do anything. I do usually text to say I can take over if he's struggling but he never takes me up on that.

I agree with this but the op and her husband wants to be equal. Children don't always want to go bed. They want to be up where they believe the action is happening. He did say "You don't like it when I come in" it's happened before. Children aren't stupid if they see weakness then they will play one of against the other. They need towork together and not give in bed is bed.

My favourite adults children book is Go The Fuck to Sleep someone had to write a book about it. 🤣

Sooooo, you hated it when he was coming over, but somehow it's different when you turn up as a saviour and interrupt his routine.
Either you have some wider issues you need to address, or you are a type of person who is perfect while you see your husband as not doing things the right way and always correct him and he's finally losing it.

You ARE undermining him

He's right.

Take that onboard now reassess your actions.

OP it's normal - countless couples all over the world have had this fight. It's part stress, overwhelm, feeling inadequate, feeling not good enough, bruised ego, undermined etc etc. When you're there as the parent and your child screams for the other parent - no matter how sensible we want to appear - it stings and we can feel just alot of stress in that moment.

Just say sorry and if he has half a brain he'll just say sorry too.

Yes so she thought she'd try something new, and tonight it was calling for you.
This is your DD testing to see where the boundaries are and you just taught her that if she cries 'mummy, mummy' that presses your buttons harder than her just crying/fussing.
And its actually really annoying when the other parent rushes in in this scenario, because it just validates this sentiment of 'only mummy will do, they need mummy more than daddy'.
As PP have said - a year down the line this becomes 'i can't go out with friends because DD/DS doesn't settle for Dad' and then suddenly its Dads fault.

I’d have vote YABU just for the manipulative lie in the thread title. Your DH didn’t get angry because of anything your toddler did so stop presenting it that way.

Your DH is right, you made things worse by going in there. Your DD was safe with her parent and you should have stayed away unless he called for back up. You owe him an apology. Then hopefully both of you can move on, because those bedtimes don’t bring out the best in people.

Do you have concerns about your husband putting your daughter to bed?

if not you did undermine him especially if you have had a go about him doing something similar in the past.

DD is "playing you like a fiddle"

Russian bots because people believe it’s entirely possible for one parent to undermine the other??

Brilliant advice

Agree with this OP and even worse that it seems like you've told him off about doing this in the past and now you're doing it yourself so the man can't win!

I'm sorry you feel like this.

It seems to me that your h overreacted massively by storming out. Does he do that kind of thing often? How is your relationship generally?

@Lovelylilylane My husband and I are very traditional though so I mostly do the nighttime routines and he’ll come in to kiss our children goodnight.

What is traditional about a father not bathing their kids, reading them stories or tucking them in?

You sound like a knob

It wasn't made clear that this was a one off and DH usually puts her to bed in the OP so it reads before the updates as if she were not giving them the opportunity to get into a routine together.