DH stormed out because my DD was shouting mummy

[Babybirdmum]

So my husband was putting our toddler for a nap and I was settling the baby. I heard her shouting mummy mummy so I went to see what was wrong. He wasn’t making much effort to get her to sleep just getting her to lie in her bed. He was angry at me for coming in the room. I feel like I can’t ignore my child who’s shouting for me. He’s stormed off. He said I used to hate it when he’d come in when I would settle her to sleep at night, but the difference was she would just be crying not shouting for daddy. And I used to hate it because I’d been trying for hours and he’d usually come in just as I nearly had her asleep. My issue is I don’t understand why he’s got so angry for coming seeing if she’s ok when she’s crying mummy’s. He said I am undermining him but I don’t see how. It all feels a bit controlling to me. :

If my toddler was shouting Daddy I'd know full well it would be a play on trying to stay out of the bed longer, as the Mum trying to get them to sleep I'd deal with the situation and Dad wouldn't need to come in to make the bedtime even longer.

You are undermining him massively. She gets to eek out bedtime and control the situation. It is you who are being controlling. Let him get on with it.

“It all feels a bit controlling to me” yes, it is. And you’re the one doing it.
thw fact that you can’t even see why he’s annoyed about this speaks volumes. You should have left him to it. He will never be able to get the toddler settled by himself if you do this.

Honestly @Babybirdmum, that sort of response is bordering on abuse. You’re trying to shut him down and guilt him for making any comments or criticism because you’ll play the “woe is me” card.

What he said was a fair criticism and you are the one in the wrong here. You need to listen to that, and to the response you got here and just accept it, apologise and find a way forward with better communication. You cannot start with the “oh, so everything I do is wrong then,” response. It’s not fair, it makes it impossible to discuss anything and shows you with actually listen or apologise when you are wrong.

Yes you are undermining him. You say that you 'can't do anything right at the moment', but actually it sounds as if you're acting like he can't do anything right. If you trust him to be able to deal with his own child, why instantly go rushing in when she calls for you? It makes it look like you think he's incapable, and it will encourage her to keep doing it rather than settle when he's putting her to bed.

Also your thread title is incorrect. He didn’t walk out because your toddler shouted “mummy.” He walked out because you really pissed him off by undermining him.

.

If she’s calling for mummy then it’s mummy she wants / needs.

His ego is bruised and he’s feeling rejected.

Kids will shout for the other parent for this exact reason, you were undermining him and if he is putting them to bed you need to leave him to it

Agreed

Take a step back OP

Either it's him doing it or u .....
If it's him, let him do his thing .....
Now DD knows she can shout for u and u will come .....

If u wanted to do some thing -U should have peeped in so only he sees u and asked if he needs u!

The amount of people on here accusing the mother of ‘undermining’ the father is bizarre. It’s not a workplace. It’s meant to be two parents doing the best for their child not a project management meeting.

No text book to being a parent unfortunately cause I need it myself.
We are forever learning OP, You're going a Great job, don't be so hard on yourself x

You've taught your daughter that Daddy doesn't have responsibility when getting her to sleep. Yes, you've undermined him. You'll be complaining when he leaves you to it.

What did your toddler want in the end ?

By going in ONE TIME 🙄

If this is genuinely a one off on your part yes he is overreacting

Your h will never learn how to settle her if you go in the room.

I understand that you want to go in because she’s calling for you but if you’re going to prevent her from learning how to settle with dad then you should saving everyone time and do all the settling yourself.

It sounds like he wasn’t doing a good job of settling but remember what it’s like settling her as a baby and having to learn what works and doesn’t ? What you’re doing is exactly the same as him walking in when you were learning how to settle her. The fact that she says mummy now but couldn’t articulate daddy then is neither here nor there. By taking over you are undermining his parenting confidence like he probably did to you back when she was a baby.

I’m with @Scammersarescum on this.

You said it was out of the ordinary, OP.
And she called directly for you.

There’s no way I’m going to ignore that.

I agree entirely. I’m trying to figure out why the responses have been so odd.

I’m always pondering this. Russian bots? Male posters where the assumption is they are female? I just don’t know.

Welcome to parenthood and it don't get any easier. The best part of it all is when they grow up and leave and all you have left is your jaw to pick up because it's the way they did it. Sorry to say this girls are the worst they have emotions and when they want something they will get at all costs.

@Lovelylilylane because some of us have been on the other side of this. DD used to do the whole crocodile tears and daddy daddy when she was in trouble or I was trying to put her to bed or whatever, waiting for daddy to come running. The third time he did it I plonked her in his arms and told him he's dealing with it. They were both still awake at 1 am. Then he also got it back. Kids do learn to play parents off each other and learn who is the "rescuer".

If he is the type to storm out over this, does he have anger issues? Is this why you went to her? If she's usually fine with him, I'd go too if my name was being called by her.

Edit - my dp would be pissed if our 5yo was calling for me at bedtime (I do breastfed dd who is 2) and I was always going in. Rightfully. A one off, he would not be, because ds would obviously have a genuine need for me.

Even children as young as a toddler learn how to play one parent off the other. This is why you decide which one is dealing with her at that moment and let them parent. You say she called for you - so what? You needed to let him deal, or if you couldn't control yourself then you should have told toddler that daddy was in charge, night night, love you. It's that simple.

Have you posted about this before? It is very familiar, including your woe is me response.

@Babybirdmum has your relationship changed since the baby? Are you (either as a couple or individually) struggling ?

There seem to be some negative changes in everyone's behaviour at the moment. Is this because of the baby or the relationship isn't great to begin with?