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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The summoning...

85 replies

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 09:58

This thread is about my brother.

I obviously don't think IABU because I have made this decision but I am curious to know if anyone else sees his perspective. Because I just can't.

My brother has, I feel, some funny ideas at times and very high expectations of family at times. His heart is often in the right place but he gets upset if he feels 'rejected' or that people aren't acting in the best interests of the family (he determines the best interests)

This is the latest.

My daughter is moving to university 2 weeks today. On the Saturday, we are doing a food shop and going out in the evening. I have been clear for weeks that I want packing to be done by then before a 2 and a half hour drive each way on the Sunday. I want it to be calm and peaceful and for us (me, my partner, her and her brother) to enjoy it.

My brother is moving house shortly afterwards.

I'm a teacher and work full time. So have little time outside work to get stuff done because I'm knackered/working in the evenings.

So. We have had plans for the last two weekends and for next weekend to go shopping for university stuff and essentials and to pack.

My daughter has a pt job which has become full time (and beyond!) since finishing her A Levels and usually works evenings so evening time to do stuff is limited anyway.

Yesterday, my brother issued a summoning (we affectionately refer to his invitations as this because there isn't really an option to refuse in his eyes) for us all to go over to his for the whole weekend next weekend (including a mandatory sleepover) so that his daughter (12) can enjoy one of her last weekends in her childhood home surrounded by her family and her memories.

My children (26 and 18) think this is bonkers and have never heard of such a thing. My daughter wants to spend the last full weekend at home packing and seeing her friends before moving away. His plans/expectations don't really allow for the compromise of a 2 hour visit and, even if they did, it would be something that we'd have to juggle to make time for in our existing plans. In an already busy weekend in whicn I'd also have to find time to work. And none of us want to go.

I don't have the capacity to shop and pack in the evenings to facilitate this so the weekends it is.

My brother is now cross/not speaking to us since we turned down the invitation because we're spoiling his daughter's experience.

So. This is part incredulous grumble and part does anyone think my brother is right/has a point because I can't see it.

OP posts:
Catza · 15/09/2024 10:02

Your brother not speaking to you seems like the best outcome. Of course he has no leg to stand on and I bet top dollar his 12 year old is not as keen on the idea as he is making her out to be.

PlacidPenelope · 15/09/2024 10:02

No I don't think your brother has a point, he is being ridiculous.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:04

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:02

Your brother not speaking to you seems like the best outcome. Of course he has no leg to stand on and I bet top dollar his 12 year old is not as keen on the idea as he is making her out to be.

No, I doubt she is.

We didn't have a good family experience growing up and he wants to do what he thinks other families do by being close and supportive.

But it's usually/always his daughter who is centred in it all (whether she wants it or not) and he doesn't consider that the rest of us have different needs and wants.

It's to fulfill a need he has and an image he has in his head

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2024 10:05

He’s within his rights to ask but absolutely not to insist. He seems to have an old fashioned and very patriarchal sense of where the authority is in your family. What does he say if you say no?

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:09

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:04

No, I doubt she is.

We didn't have a good family experience growing up and he wants to do what he thinks other families do by being close and supportive.

But it's usually/always his daughter who is centred in it all (whether she wants it or not) and he doesn't consider that the rest of us have different needs and wants.

It's to fulfill a need he has and an image he has in his head

Show quote history

Is it at all possible to have an open conversation to him about it? Along the lines of what makes a good family experience is having everyone's views respected and compromising. Because otherwise he is achieving the exact opposite outcome from what he is aiming for.
Obviously, not right now but when the dust settles.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:12

Thepeopleversuswork · 15/09/2024 10:05

He’s within his rights to ask but absolutely not to insist. He seems to have an old fashioned and very patriarchal sense of where the authority is in your family. What does he say if you say no?

That's a hard one to answer.

A combination of angry accusations about how no one cares about the family except for him and the silent treatment.

The problem is that we don't often see them. Plans are made and then cancelled (often at short notice) by him usually if his daighter has had a birthday party invitation or something.

But when he issues the summoning, he gets cross if people turn it down. Even if he then goes on to cancel it himself.

He's very generous. He takes my daughter away on holiday with them for a week every summer (travel/accommodation costs are the same but she's obviously an extra person to feed/entertain). But it feels like there are also strings when he does things like this.

OP posts:
FionnulaTheCooler · 15/09/2024 10:12

Let him sulk like a giant baby, he'll get over it.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 10:15

Catza · 15/09/2024 10:09

Is it at all possible to have an open conversation to him about it? Along the lines of what makes a good family experience is having everyone's views respected and compromising. Because otherwise he is achieving the exact opposite outcome from what he is aiming for.
Obviously, not right now but when the dust settles.

Show quote history

I'm going to have to after this time.

It's usually just a case of being a bit inconvenient/short notice/inflexible or a bit irritating it's always on his terms.

But I'm actually a bit pissed off this time that he's completely disregarded what my daughter has going on and the very valid reasons we've said no because it's not the outcome he wants for his daughter.

OP posts:
offyoujollywelltrot · 15/09/2024 10:17

Bloody hell was a massive baby.

Let him fume to himself.

greencheetah · 15/09/2024 10:17

Let him be cross. So what?

He sounds like a bully.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/09/2024 10:39

@WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole Has he actully discussed this with his wife/partner???? does she want to entertain for the whole weekend when she is on the verge of moving house??? is his house not mostly packed up already???? I would be working with minimum mugs, plates, pots etc by this stage if I was moving! certainly, excess bed linen would all be packed away for the move!

EmeraldRoulette · 15/09/2024 10:43

greencheetah · 15/09/2024 10:17

Let him be cross. So what?

He sounds like a bully.

This

you describe a lot of tiptoeing around him. Why do it?

LittleGreenDragons · 15/09/2024 10:45

My brother is now cross/not speaking to us since we turned down the invitation because we're spoiling his daughter's experience.

But he is spoiling YOUR daughter's experience. He can't complain if he is doing the same as you. Let him continue with the no speaking - you can guarantee that the day before he moves you will suddenly be his BFF 😉

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 10:50

Goodness, all of you sound very intense but particularly your brother.

If I were your daughter I'd be inclined to just pack my stuff and do a bit of shopping when I got there.

It all sounds pretty stifling.

MsMajeika · 15/09/2024 10:59

YA clearly NBU, but I wanted to ask if your brother could be on the spectrum. The reason I ask is that I am and I suffer from black and white thinking where I get an idea in my head and it's very difficult to shift or compromise. It's fine when it only depends on me, but when other people are expected to take part in my plan, obviously it's not great!

I now have the awareness to realise that it's my issue and privately get a little upset that it didn't work out but when I was younger I did used to spiral and think that it was confirmation that no one loved me! (I didn't have a great childhood).

Oldfatandfrumpy · 15/09/2024 11:14

He sounds insufferable tbh. No he doesn't have a point, and is a massive hypocrite- you are expected to prioritise his family 'experience' over the needs of your family

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 15/09/2024 11:22

I’m afraid I agree you need to have a firm conversation about how he is just trying to take from family and not give - that your daughter is going through a much bigger life change, moving away from living with her family, not seeing her friends for months at a time - and he hasn’t given any thought or support about that.

his focus on the much smaller life change his dd is going through is actually selfish. Get mad back. You are disappointed in him.

itsgettingweird · 15/09/2024 11:25

I'd ask him why his DDs last weekend in her family home outweighs your DDs last weekend before moving away from home.

I often find putting the ball in the court of difficult people works. But only works with people who want the world to revolve around them but don't actually want to admit that out loud and use PA techniques like ignoring and copping!

jeaux90 · 15/09/2024 11:27

This is just so weird. Ask him why his DDs experience and needs outweighs your own.

WildCherryBlossom · 15/09/2024 11:38

I don't think this is really about his DD. It's him needing to create family bonds / memories presumably as a response to whatever happened in your childhood.

It does sound annoying that he doesn't take your busy lives into consideration but I think the intention is sweet.

Try to have an honest chat.

MabelMora · 15/09/2024 11:44

I wouldn't even waste time analysing it or trying to discuss it at a later point. You say you're busy so can't make it and that's the end of it. Who can be bothered with all that shit?! If he wants to cut his nose off to spite his face then let him get on with it.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:25

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 15/09/2024 10:39

@WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole Has he actully discussed this with his wife/partner???? does she want to entertain for the whole weekend when she is on the verge of moving house??? is his house not mostly packed up already???? I would be working with minimum mugs, plates, pots etc by this stage if I was moving! certainly, excess bed linen would all be packed away for the move!

I have no idea!

Hell have discussed it with her, yes but, as for the rest of it - who knows!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:29

EmeraldRoulette · 15/09/2024 10:43

This

you describe a lot of tiptoeing around him. Why do it?

Show quote history

Tbf, I don't call him out when he cancels at short notice because I don't see the point and it's not worth the aggro. It's just that this time he ls expecting me to prioritise what he imagines would he nice for his daighter over what is essential.for mine and can't see it.

We only go along with his summonings if it's convenient to do so. I'm quite happy to say no to him but there's usually not a good reason to do so and it is nice to see them (he's a good host and good company outside of these expectations!)

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:31

JacquelineShit · 15/09/2024 10:50

Goodness, all of you sound very intense but particularly your brother.

If I were your daughter I'd be inclined to just pack my stuff and do a bit of shopping when I got there.

It all sounds pretty stifling.

Well she needs a car to transport stuff and it's pretty usual to go shopping before university.

It's not intense from our end. We just don't have the luxury of time to do it had hoc so we've had to plan when she amd I wil be available at the same time. That's pretty normal.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 12:33

MsMajeika · 15/09/2024 10:59

YA clearly NBU, but I wanted to ask if your brother could be on the spectrum. The reason I ask is that I am and I suffer from black and white thinking where I get an idea in my head and it's very difficult to shift or compromise. It's fine when it only depends on me, but when other people are expected to take part in my plan, obviously it's not great!

I now have the awareness to realise that it's my issue and privately get a little upset that it didn't work out but when I was younger I did used to spiral and think that it was confirmation that no one loved me! (I didn't have a great childhood).

I am. So it's possible!

The difference is that I, like you, have awareness. He doesn't.

I

OP posts: