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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The summoning...

85 replies

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 09:58

This thread is about my brother.

I obviously don't think IABU because I have made this decision but I am curious to know if anyone else sees his perspective. Because I just can't.

My brother has, I feel, some funny ideas at times and very high expectations of family at times. His heart is often in the right place but he gets upset if he feels 'rejected' or that people aren't acting in the best interests of the family (he determines the best interests)

This is the latest.

My daughter is moving to university 2 weeks today. On the Saturday, we are doing a food shop and going out in the evening. I have been clear for weeks that I want packing to be done by then before a 2 and a half hour drive each way on the Sunday. I want it to be calm and peaceful and for us (me, my partner, her and her brother) to enjoy it.

My brother is moving house shortly afterwards.

I'm a teacher and work full time. So have little time outside work to get stuff done because I'm knackered/working in the evenings.

So. We have had plans for the last two weekends and for next weekend to go shopping for university stuff and essentials and to pack.

My daughter has a pt job which has become full time (and beyond!) since finishing her A Levels and usually works evenings so evening time to do stuff is limited anyway.

Yesterday, my brother issued a summoning (we affectionately refer to his invitations as this because there isn't really an option to refuse in his eyes) for us all to go over to his for the whole weekend next weekend (including a mandatory sleepover) so that his daughter (12) can enjoy one of her last weekends in her childhood home surrounded by her family and her memories.

My children (26 and 18) think this is bonkers and have never heard of such a thing. My daughter wants to spend the last full weekend at home packing and seeing her friends before moving away. His plans/expectations don't really allow for the compromise of a 2 hour visit and, even if they did, it would be something that we'd have to juggle to make time for in our existing plans. In an already busy weekend in whicn I'd also have to find time to work. And none of us want to go.

I don't have the capacity to shop and pack in the evenings to facilitate this so the weekends it is.

My brother is now cross/not speaking to us since we turned down the invitation because we're spoiling his daughter's experience.

So. This is part incredulous grumble and part does anyone think my brother is right/has a point because I can't see it.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 13:46

Maddy70 · 15/09/2024 13:26

Where is the compromise?

Sorry we can't come as we have so much on. But will being round her birthday present on xxx

I've suggested we do something when my daighters next home and they've moved and everyone is settled but he's ignored it because that's not what he wants.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 15/09/2024 13:49

I don't think your DB is appreciating how old your DC are now! At 18 and 26 they have their own lives, no 26 yo wants to go for a sleepover at their Uncles, especially when it's a command proformance. Talk to your DB, explain in a way he'll understand

Spenditlikebeckham · 15/09/2024 13:50

About time he was told no is a complete sentence
.. Leave him to it. Your life will improve vastly..

Catza · 15/09/2024 14:25

CandidHedgehog · 15/09/2024 13:32

I still remember ‘going shopping with Mum for university’ with fondness and I’m nearly 50! I still have the plates and bowls and the quilt cover is in a storage bag in my wardrobe.

With online shopping I suppose it’s less universal these days but since ‘having a last weekend in a sold house’ isn’t a tradition at all (as far as I know), I’d not be skipping the traditional last shop before university for such a visit if my child wanted to go shopping with Mum!

Show quote history

I am planning something like that with my aunt and my best friend. We are travelling to Spain for the "last good bye holiday" in a property I am selling. But this is very different and, of course, I planned it 9 months in advance and made sure they are both available and have no other commitments.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 14:30

Catza · 15/09/2024 14:25

I am planning something like that with my aunt and my best friend. We are travelling to Spain for the "last good bye holiday" in a property I am selling. But this is very different and, of course, I planned it 9 months in advance and made sure they are both available and have no other commitments.

Show quote history

That's the thing, it is quite a nice idea. I can see how, in your case, it would be a lovely thing to do!

Not sure I (or my children) would want to devote a whole weekend to saying goodbye to someone else's house at any time really. We certainly don't have any great memories associated with it.

But, any other weekend, and we would have gone (albeit not for the whole weekend) for his benefit. But, on this occasion, the timing is terrible and he only issued the invitation the weekend before.

My partner is included. It would mean him giving up a weekend to attend a good bye to a house he's been to 3 times!

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 14:33

I'm curious. The voting says 1% (so 3-4 people) think IABU.

I'd be really interested to know why given that's why I posted.

OP posts:
Sandwichgen · 15/09/2024 14:36

He cannot expect to burnish his family life at the expense of yours

well he can - but he shouldn’t

HappyDane · 15/09/2024 14:36

Quite often people hit the wrong option by accident and don't realise they can change their vote.

Maray1967 · 15/09/2024 14:37

This needs to be reined in now - I’d have pushed back years ago. He needs to be told firmly that not all his plans work for your family. They can actually be very inconvenient for your family. And if he turns down invitations to your home because they aren’t convenient for him, then remind him of that fact!

LifeExperience · 15/09/2024 14:40

Your brother is controlling and manipulative; he just hides it under the guise of "family memories" or "it's for the children." It's not. It's so he can control your time and actions.

Not speaking to you is emotional abuse. I would go very low contact. I've had more than a few people try to control my time and actions through the years with a "greater good" argument, and it's almost never about the greater good, but their good. The only sane response to controlling people is to refuse to go along with it.

HappyDane · 15/09/2024 14:42

I agree. @WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole perhaps use this instance to draw a line under the always-doing-what-he-wants thing. He's become used to it and now he expects it every time. Sometimes just say no, you can't and let him stew if he wants to, and let yourself sit with the uncomfortable feelings you get when you don't do as he's demanding (because it is a demand). Your main responsibility now is really to your own family and what they/you need, rather than what your brother wants (although of course it's nice to do what you can, when you can, to stay connected).

HappyDane · 15/09/2024 14:47

Maray1967 · 15/09/2024 14:37

This needs to be reined in now - I’d have pushed back years ago. He needs to be told firmly that not all his plans work for your family. They can actually be very inconvenient for your family. And if he turns down invitations to your home because they aren’t convenient for him, then remind him of that fact!

Sorry meant to quote this.

You do need to push back IMO. Because things are so unbalanced.

I don't think you always need to cut people off/go NC or even LC. It's possible to navigate some situations without going fully nuclear. Especially when there are just the two of you siblings. Lots of people have obnoxious habits or maybe aren't completely well balanced in every aspect. They can still be genuinely fine to keep in close contact with.

GoldenLegend · 15/09/2024 14:50

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 14:33

I'm curious. The voting says 1% (so 3-4 people) think IABU.

I'd be really interested to know why given that's why I posted.

Butterfingers!

LouH5 · 15/09/2024 15:16

He is being ridiculous !

He expects you to rally around and make the weekend special for his daughter, but isn’t prepared to accept it’s a big weekend for your daughter. I also find it weird that he thinks this is an event (never in my life have I heard of someone’s extended family going to stay for a weekend in their home for ‘one last time’ before they move out!) and surely it would be nicer for the people who actually live there to have their special ‘final weekend’ in their house.

It’s your daughters last weekend before she moves away and like you say, I’m sure she’d rather spend it with you/immediate family and friends.
It reminds me of my last weekend before going to uni years ago. It was one of my friends (for context, she was a year younger and not in my “main” group of school friends, she was someone I got close to when working a Saturday job together) 18th birthday that weekend and she planned a weekend away in the nearest city, overnight stay and a big night out. It was with all of her other friends, who Id met before, but didn’t know very well. I politely declined the invite saying I wanted to spend my last weekend before moving away with my family and seeing my other friends, as they were all off to different unis the following weekend as well, and we wouldn’t be together again as a group until Christmas. Which is huge when you’re that age, as you usually spend most days with your friends until then, so it was a big adjustment for us. I suggested her and I go out for a birthday meal on me, one week night, and I’d make a fuss of her then. I thought she would find this totally reasonable but she was furious! She got so mad at me, crying, saying she “was there” for my 18th a few months earlier. She said she felt so let down that I wouldn’t come away with her and her friends for her birthday. (I may just add that for my 18th, we went for a meal and a few drinks at our local pub, I didn’t organise a big fancy weekend away like she did). I was shocked by her response and said I thought she’d understand that I want to spend my last weekend at home before uni with my family and old friends, and she just didn’t get it, held such a grudge against me, and declined my offer for me to take her out for dinner one weeknight. Needless to say, when I moved away we lost touch!
Anyway, sorry for that unecessary ramble, but just wanted to use that as an example to say I really agree that that “last” weekend feels quite precious and your daughter should do what she wants, not what her uncle wants!

MinervaMcGonagallsCat · 15/09/2024 15:18

Your brother is off his head with his expectations and behaviour.

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 15:39

LifeExperience · 15/09/2024 14:40

Your brother is controlling and manipulative; he just hides it under the guise of "family memories" or "it's for the children." It's not. It's so he can control your time and actions.

Not speaking to you is emotional abuse. I would go very low contact. I've had more than a few people try to control my time and actions through the years with a "greater good" argument, and it's almost never about the greater good, but their good. The only sane response to controlling people is to refuse to go along with it.

I agree with you.

There have been other times I've said no if its not convenient or said we'll go but not for the whole weekend.

It's hard because I do want the childen to have a relationship with their family (and its the only family I have) and, if it's not massively inconvenient, I'd be being petty to say no.

OP posts:
Barney16 · 15/09/2024 15:53

Oh bless him. I think it's very sweet, completely unrealistic and verging on twattery. But somehow sweet. When my mum and dad moved my brother,who was at least 30, used to get the bus and stand, gazing soulfully at the house they had sold. Which was TBF our childhood home. No one took much notice of him and I think you should not take any notice of your brother and just crack on

rainbowstardrops · 15/09/2024 16:08

I'd be saying to him that you too want to spend your last whole weekend before your daughter goes off to uni, to be at home as a family.
I'd suggest moving the narrative and suggesting looking forwards to the new house and you'd happily come for a weekend sometime soon to 'make memories' going forward in the new home.
I think it was a nice idea of his but totally impractical right now.

Ramblomatic · 15/09/2024 16:10

Your brother sounds like an absolute dork! 😂

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 16:13

Oh bless him. I think it's very sweet, completely unrealistic and verging on twattery.

I agree. But it's the dire timing and the sulking because we're unavailable because my daughter is moving away the following weekend that's pissed me off!

OP posts:
kittylion2 · 15/09/2024 16:19

It'll be interesting to see what he arranges/expects of you when his own daughter is due to go away to university. (I have a very long memory for this sort of thing - not for anything useful though.)

Original poster
WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 16:47

kittylion2 · 15/09/2024 16:19

It'll be interesting to see what he arranges/expects of you when his own daughter is due to go away to university. (I have a very long memory for this sort of thing - not for anything useful though.)

Yes I know. My eldest has already said that.

OP posts:
Barney16 · 15/09/2024 19:05

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 16:13

Oh bless him. I think it's very sweet, completely unrealistic and verging on twattery.

I agree. But it's the dire timing and the sulking because we're unavailable because my daughter is moving away the following weekend that's pissed me off!

I think you are quite right to stick to your plans. The last weekend before uni is special.

saraclara · 15/09/2024 19:09

I'd ask him why his DDs last weekend in her family home outweighs your DDs last weekend before moving away from home.

That. I'd be interested in his answer.

Whyhaveibeencutoutofmamsnot · 15/09/2024 19:39

WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole · 15/09/2024 14:33

I'm curious. The voting says 1% (so 3-4 people) think IABU.

I'd be really interested to know why given that's why I posted.

That 1% is probably my BIL and his DW who think it is necessary to drop what we need and do things for them (with support from DH who is your third vote).
That was until I said no and BIL (his DW does as he tells her so doesn't speak either) barely speaks to me now