The summoning...

[WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole]

This thread is about my brother.

I obviously don't think IABU because I have made this decision but I am curious to know if anyone else sees his perspective. Because I just can't.

My brother has, I feel, some funny ideas at times and very high expectations of family at times. His heart is often in the right place but he gets upset if he feels 'rejected' or that people aren't acting in the best interests of the family (he determines the best interests)

This is the latest.

My daughter is moving to university 2 weeks today. On the Saturday, we are doing a food shop and going out in the evening. I have been clear for weeks that I want packing to be done by then before a 2 and a half hour drive each way on the Sunday. I want it to be calm and peaceful and for us (me, my partner, her and her brother) to enjoy it.

My brother is moving house shortly afterwards.

I'm a teacher and work full time. So have little time outside work to get stuff done because I'm knackered/working in the evenings.

So. We have had plans for the last two weekends and for next weekend to go shopping for university stuff and essentials and to pack.

My daughter has a pt job which has become full time (and beyond!) since finishing her A Levels and usually works evenings so evening time to do stuff is limited anyway.

Yesterday, my brother issued a summoning (we affectionately refer to his invitations as this because there isn't really an option to refuse in his eyes) for us all to go over to his for the whole weekend next weekend (including a mandatory sleepover) so that his daughter (12) can enjoy one of her last weekends in her childhood home surrounded by her family and her memories.

My children (26 and 18) think this is bonkers and have never heard of such a thing. My daughter wants to spend the last full weekend at home packing and seeing her friends before moving away. His plans/expectations don't really allow for the compromise of a 2 hour visit and, even if they did, it would be something that we'd have to juggle to make time for in our existing plans. In an already busy weekend in whicn I'd also have to find time to work. And none of us want to go.

I don't have the capacity to shop and pack in the evenings to facilitate this so the weekends it is.

My brother is now cross/not speaking to us since we turned down the invitation because we're spoiling his daughter's experience.

So. This is part incredulous grumble and part does anyone think my brother is right/has a point because I can't see it.

No. Just no. This is utterly ridiculous on his behalf. He's trying to heal his own hurt through making things 'perfect' for his daughter which is understandable to an extent, but in the process he's being an obnoxious bully. You probably should call him out because otherwise you let him get away with crappy behaviours every time which just reinforces it, but I do understand why you don't want the hassle.

Families don't do this sort of thing. I mean maybe one or two here and there...but certainly not most of us! And I come from a very big family who all get along well - probably exactly the type he pictures in his head.

Ok it just sounded a bit intense to me because she doesn't need her mum to go shopping.

But fair enough if that's what she wants.

The OP doesn't sound intense at all.

It's quite normal to have everything packed the day before then go and do a food shop for uni. It's a ritual and totally normal!

@WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole your brother sounds like a diva! You have your own plans and he can't expect people just to drop everything for him!

Entitled twat.
Your daughter has as much right to enjoy a weekend of preparation for going away to uni.
(although personally I'd order in on Amazon & get it delivered to wherever she is going to be.)

The intention is sweet. Which is why we go along with it when we can. I said in my op that his heart is in the right place but his expectations are often unrealistic.

It's never an invitation for dinner or lunch and he rarely if ever accepts mine but always one of these whole weekend things which he imagines to he full of joy and laughter and 'making memories'.

Yeah that's not intense at all. Most parents do similar to that, in my experience. We did, and we're not particularly intense.

It's really out of order for him to act this way. And I agree with pp, so what if he's cross? Leave him to it and go about your business.

Who is the 2% calling you U????

And another one saying it's COMPLETELY normal to send your child off with a big shop

We do it every term

She does want it and she can't really bring saucepans, plates and a duvet etc home on her own without a car. That's the sort of stuff we're buying.

🙄 who made him the boss?

Honestly, some people are off the scale entitled. Tell him that life doesn't revolve around him and his demands. What an absolute joke.

We're doing that for some stuff but it's what all her friends are doing with their mums right now so she wants to too.

Your brother is still a child, you are not being unreasonable he needs therapy

Well he’s a silly sod, isn’t he? I’m afraid I’d just laugh at him.

Ok, I withdraw my 'intense' comment 🤣

I admit, it was based on mine ordering their own shopping!

But others do it differently and I accept that.

Lol - you most definitely do want your mum there so she can pay for the shop.... 😉

When we all moved out my parents bought a massive stock up food shop for us - sets you up for the start!

Oh no, I ended up paying for it alright, but in the form of a money transfer 😁

It's all good! Lots of people will do things slightly differently, of course, but the pack up, drive and food/sundries shop together are a fairly well-established ritual for many.

Ah I'm getting nostalgic now for taking mine off to uni some years ago. ❤️

Is your username because of your brother?!
Sorry to derail, but I've had the song in my head for the past few days, so was a bit gobsmacked to see it!

It is 😁

Appropriate, I thought.

Back to your point, @WhoPutARealLiveToadInTheHole , given you generally are happy (ish) to do what he wants most of the time, you anbu at all.
Is it worth talking to your sil about this? Maybe she can help broach your brother's family obsession, outlining what it means to her in terms of workload, time to herself, etc living up to his expectations, along with you explaining the impact upon your family.
He needs to understand that family isn't just roses, barn-raising and relentless togetherness, hard as that may be!

Entirely!

How many people actually pander to this arse hole?

Where is the compromise?

Sorry we can't come as we have so much on. But will being round her birthday present on xxx

Tell him you are not all NPCs in his game of life, if he wants you round he shifts his dates to enable it - your dates have already been set for a while and dictated by University term time. If he can't then he will just need to work out something else to make it special.

I still remember ‘going shopping with Mum for university’ with fondness and I’m nearly 50! I still have the plates and bowls and the quilt cover is in a storage bag in my wardrobe.

With online shopping I suppose it’s less universal these days but since ‘having a last weekend in a sold house’ isn’t a tradition at all (as far as I know), I’d not be skipping the traditional last shop before university for such a visit if my child wanted to go shopping with Mum!

His wife goes along with it for an easy life and, tbh, she manages him well. We don't have any other family. Only each other which compounds it.