Tell me what your husbands do for you to make you happy

[ipadgeneration]

Do they put you first sometimes ? Silly stuff like, letting you choose the movie or takeaway.

Do they buy you stuff they know you'd like ? Do they surprise you sometimes ?

Do they take care of you and check up on you when you're not feeling well?

Do they give you a break from things when they see you're stressed out ?

Do they take the baby / toddler / child off you, even when they're tired- because they can see you struggling ?

Do they sometimes make plans / suggestions of fun things to do together or with your kids as a family ?

Are they just nice to be around? Or do they moap around grumpy a lot ?

Do they do their share of the housework and cooking / laundry etc ?

How do you know they love you ? What do they do to show it? Apart from being there ?

He doesn’t bat an eyelid when I come home with yet more animals 🤣

He is just him, he’s the person who calms the noise in my head.

He puts me (and the children) before himself every single time.

And he buys me chocolate and puts up with my randomness like my decision to make butter this afternoon than driving to the shop to buy some

In general though reading these has definitely made me realise that actually he doesn't do much. I'm wracking my brains but ...

Is happy for me to do my thing. Brings me a cup of tea in bed every morning.

My husband's love language is getting stuff done like housework and laundry etc over and above his share so I don't have to do it. I mean it's great and all but at the risk of sounding like an ungrateful cow I'd love a wee backrub or date night some time but he's just not very romantic in the traditional sense, but that's ok!

Lots of those things but most of all the way he’s looking after me and picking up the slack while i’m pregnant has really proved to me that I made the right choice! (Finally!) Especially that he’s stayed so cheerful and loving while suddenly having to do everything, take over as main provider as we will need to use his savings for maternity leave, and deal with the fact I’m not always my best self right now so have sometimes criticised or micromanaged the many extra tasks he’s doing. And he still brings me flowers on an extra vomity day, or just because.

Surprised you didn't mean for this to be hostile..

Well what are your suggestions then? What does love look like to you? Are acts of love - or showing someone you love them not a thing to you or do you not agree with the OPs list? If the latter, you could suggest your own or you could just belittle all of the OPs thoughts.

There’s probably loads but the one thing that really springs to mind is he asks if I’m ok.

Sounds daft, I know. But if we’re out somewhere new, or at a party or on a day out, he’ll randomly ask me ‘are you alright?’. Maybe it’s because it’s been a long day, maybe it’s because we’ve been in a group of other people and not able to talk for a while, I don’t know. But even if he can’t get to me, he’ll catch my eye across a room and mouth ‘you alright?’. And I feel so loved and secure and it makes me melt.

@Newmumburnout

Surprised you didn't mean for this to be hostile..

Erm, ok. Not sure what else I can say. I didn't mean any hostility towards OP and I have already apologised if it came across that was so no need to raise the same thing again.

@ISpyNoPlumPie

Well what are your suggestions then? What does love look like to you? Are acts of love - or showing someone you love them not a thing to you or do you not agree with the OPs list? If the latter, you could suggest your own or you could just belittle all of the OPs thoughts.

Right I see what's gone wrong now. I wasn't trying to belittle OPs thoughts at all, the problem i saw was with the way she is treated (if this was indeed about OPs relationship) by her husband.

My DH is an exquisite housekeeper! ❤️ he grew with little and values a tidy, clean house and enjoys making it so.

He is incredibly patient with me, sometimes I really don't deserve it. He is forgiving and kind.

He knows we can't budget wine into our shop anymore but every now again a Sainsburys "red label" offer of a high end red wine sneaks into the house 😆

Offers for me to rest/gym/solo coffee often

Has taught both our girls to swim and draw/sketch/shade/colour - not at the same time though 😆

Is very supportive of anything I do

Is non-argumentative

Thanks me profusely for the food I make (I am the chef, shopper and laundry lady) even if it's a lazy meal. As he does so much else around the house I am able to dedicate time to enjoying cooking.

He tells me I'm beautiful when I look like crap!

Lovely to hear so many happy relationships exist with wonderful men..

God, he does so many things, it would take me all night to list them. He'd give me the shirt off his back if I needed it.
But the biggest thing is that he accepts me and my many, many flaws. Don't get me wrong, of course he's not perfect, some days I could happily punch him in the eye - but he is the one person in the whole world that I am completely and utterly myself with - and he loves it.

Coffee in bed every morning. Toast on my work days too, and he makes my packed lunch and flask of coffee.

Gets up with the kids every morning because he’s a morning person (I’m not!). He does his fair share of childcare and housework. Today he did the food shop because I’ve been ill, usually I do it on my day off. I’ve been ill for about a month with a lingering virus and he’s been doing SO much and letting me rest, he took the kids into town and bought DD new football boots while I stayed home today.

Always books nice tables at nice restaurants for birthdays and anniversaries, gets me chocolates he knows I really like as gifts.

Always supportive of me going out for the day with friends and family as and when I want.

Doesn’t scrutinise what I spend money on, or how much I’ve spent, ever. Whether it’s on me or my hobbies, the house or the kids, it doesn’t matter (as long as we have enough for food, bills and everything obviously!).

The one thing I’ve never forgotten is how when I was so miserable at work (they wouldn’t let me go part time after I had DD) he supported me resigning with nothing to go to. I had a backup plan, and I did get another job, but it meant the world that he had my back when I really needed it, even if on paper it wasn’t the ‘smart’ choice.

He’s a great guy 😊😊😊

I'm going to step away now as I had absolutely no bad intent towards OP and don't think derailing it further would help anyone.

Apologies again OP

That was just one of many little examples. Many little, seemingly inconsequential, examples of putting someone first does indeed make people feel loved.

These all sound to be signs of compatibility rather than love. Things that are a normal and necessary part of living with someone you like. They show friendship, humanity and a desire for a long term relationship. But I would expect almost all of this from a friend I shared a house with.

To me, love would be shown more by sacrifice in some way, and an obvious desire to spend time together over and above other potential commitments/opportunities.

For instance - my DH moved country for me, he also forgoes opportunities with his hobbies to spend time doing things he probably doesn’t like quite as much because he gets to do it with me.

Similarly, I gave up a career to allow him to follow his while we stayed together. And also sometimes give up time doing things I like more in order to do something I like a little less because I get to do it with him. I would do that (probably to a lesser extent) for family or a friend I loved, but not for a friend I just liked.

Honestly, everything.

#washes up
#does the last dog walk every night
#does all the ironing for me amd dd (not his)
turns up with chocolate when he knows I'm due on

He dotes on me, I have a spinal issue and he always notices when I am moving more carefully because it hurts and then demands I rest and does everything.

He must tell me 20 times a day that he loves me, I am beautiful, his works etc. I am never in any doubt about how he feels about me.

My DH, well he’s not perfect, who is?!! He works incredibly hard and he’s often tired and grumpy, but:

• He devotes his whole life to us, the family always comes first, I never need to ask
• He gets up with the kids every morning (I am not a morning person)
• He never sits down if there’s a job to do, he’d never watch me doing anything, he comes home from work and gets stuck in straightaway
• He always encourages me to go out with friends, he always lets me exercise above himself - I really appreciate this
• He always makes a big deal complimenting anything I cook. I once made a mini roast dinner and he said it was amazing, my mum looked disgusted and said “it’s just chicken and potatoes”. Mothers…
• He never makes me feel bad about myself, he never comments on my appearance, he just likes me for the person I am
• He always has my back, we’re a team, he doesn’t undermine me and he won’t hear shit about me (he won’t start a fight, he’s not like that(!), but he’s loyal in his feelings and his behaviour to me)

If you want my list of how he’s also an arsehole, I can do that too 😆

Cuppa in bed & he remembers my favourite mug
Often comes home with chocolate for me & DD15
Buys flowers for DD as well as me on Valentines Day
Often does more than his share of housework & always sees to the bunnies
Great when I’m ill ( not a good patient himself!)
Makes me laugh to the point of pain & loves all my little eccentricities
Always researches & sorts my car insurance & set up phone MOT reminders
So supportive & has my back
He drives me up the wall sometimes but I love him to pieces ❤️

Makes me a cup of tea every night and fills my water bottle up for me before bed.

He puts me before him every single day. He goes above and beyond to look after me when I’m ill and never complains or makes me feel embarrassed about the things he has to do for me sometimes. He tells me I’m beautiful every day and makes me believe he really thinks that. He encourages me to do the things he knows I’d love, but have not done because of cost or confidence. He makes me feel valued. He makes me feel like he enjoys spending time with me, even if it’s just watching tv. He listens to me.

He’s not perfect. He can be grumpy, he mumbles in Welsh and he firmly believes that I’m psychic and should just know stuff that he’s forgotten to tell me. But he couldn’t give me any more than he does.

Yes to all you've asked.

My first dh - no not a chance but that's what he's an ex. My second dh is completely different and does do all those things you've put in your op

Gosh, everything. From the bigger things to the little things.

• Takes on an equal role in housework/parenting/life admin. There's zero inequality in our marriage.

• Wakes before me every day to fill my bottle of water and bring coffee/tea.

• Dances with me in the kitchen every night when we cook.

• Has always written me love letters.

• Organises days out, whether for me and him or just for me. Things he'll know I'll like.

• Knows my taste in books and feeds my reading addiction. If I'm really into something and want to talk about it, he'll read the same book.

• Has read everything I've ever written. Talks to me about it, sends me information about topics related to what I'm writing. Books trips to places related to my stories.

• Packs a lunch for me on days I need to go into the office. Always puts a note in, too.

• Purchases really thoughtful gifts. I've never recieved supermarket flowers and a box of Guylian from him.

• Supportive in everything I do. Will go out of his way to learn about something if it's important to me.

• Learns from mistakes. Is always willing to apologise, and is equally forgiving when I fuck up.

• Tells me I'm beautiful at every available opportunity. I've never once doubted that I'm the most beautiful woman in his eyes, even post-labour puffy and gobbling toast in a hospital bed.

• Brings me breakfast in bed every Sunday.

• I've heard him talking to the kids about me. It made me cry, it was beautiful.

• Very physically affectionate, which is important to me.

• Cooks the most amazing meals and sets the table for us both. So lovely after a long day.

I could keep going on and on. He's my best friend, I absolutely adore him.

I realise that my points sound a bit immature, especially how I've phrased them.

Let me choose the movie etc sounds a bit ridiculous but I think most get the general gist.

I only ask because I find myself often putting his desires ahead of mine just naturally. It's never that he doesn't ' let ' me.

Perfect example today actually, I wanted to have Japanese takeaway, he wanted to get pizza. I don't eat pizza much as it makes me feel so bloated. So I said ok get pizza I'll just eat whatever. It's as natural as that to me. He didn't say ' no, it's ok let's get Japanese '. I am sure if I had insisted on Japanese he would have gone for it but he wouldn't have been the happiest he can be. If it was a bit of a bad Japanese he would have let me know and I would have felt guilty for having ruined it all and not just saying yes to pizza.

It happens a lot, I go with his preference to not hear him moan about mine if it isn't perfect.

He is grumpy and unhappy with his life a lot because he doesn't like his work, is stressed about being a dad and I spend a lot of my time trying to make him happy. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I get the same consideration back.

The reason I asked the questions I did is because sometimes I read posts from women describing their husbands on here and I can't believe how kind they are to their wives.

When I'm ill for example, it's just an inconvenience for him and he lets me know that. By moaning the house is a mess for example and he never offers to bring me anything or even asks how I'm feeling.

Never lets me have a lie in, never waves me off / seems happy for me if I'm having a good time with family or friends or hobby.

It's basically always about him and whether he's happy.

What did he say to your kids ? Is there anything negative about him ? Do you ever fight ? Do you also put him first so much ?