To wonder how people who have affairs justify it to themselves?

[CockerMum]

Prompted by another thread but also a discussion recently with a friend who mentioned they have another friend who has been having an affair with a married man for a decade.
If you have had an affair, even if you regret it now, how have you justified this to yourself?

Takes a certain type of ignoring morality in your brain. Once overcome it unlocks all sorts of immoral behaviour.

As respite from an emotionally and sexually abusive husband. Divorced now, make better choices, have never been unfaithful to any partner since.

There is often too simplistic a view on Mumsnet about affairs. We’re only hearing from one side.

that it’s worth the risk

simple as that

If my ex was to have posted here that his wife was having an affair (he never knew though), he’d tell you how much he did around the house, how hard he worked, what an attentive father he was. All true. But he wouldn’t have told you about the abuse.

Many reasons.

Meets a need somewhere.

Thinks it's better than splitting up the family.

Don't think anyone will find out so no one will get hurt.

Don't care.

Get caught up in the moment and make a mistake.

It's not as simple as good v bad although the broken hearted of mumsnet like to present it that way.

In the case of my ex , he was too much of a coward to just end things , so he had an affair when we had a 3 month old baby ! He is a truly appalling person .

Not me, and close friend was the OW. Independently I heard about the same (not local, no reason the person concerned would know that I knew anything about it, unaware of the affair) family from another acquaintance. Much to my surprise the two stories actually were very similar.
Family with 2 primary school age children, mother with chronic undiagnosed illness. The mother had apparently not left the house for the previous 5 years and had hospital bed setup in the sitting room. Lots of support from local family and Dad felt that he could not leave. He organised housekeeper type person as Mum felt unable to be left alone with children, and everything fell to him as well as working hard enough to finance this.
My friend was not in any other relationship but not interested in marriage or kids. I think he just needed some time out.

I actually think it's just the norm now.

Years ago, it was normal to be faithful.

Now it's normal to be unfaithful.

Yes another reason I won't re-marry.

oh 🤫

My sibling is I suspect having an affair (terrible mentionitis etc) and they are clearly busy convincing themselves their spouse is terrible. The cognitive dissonance is astonishing. Their spouse does nearly all the childcare, is the main earner, and rarely gets a break, unlike sibling who has insisted on two weekends off a month for "me time" but resents spouse even getting a couple of hours. We have all had a go at sibling but they are clearly so wrapped up in whatever that they have to convince themselves their spouse is awful

They blame everyone else and feel hugely sorry for themselves.

They are always the real, misunderstood victim.

These boards are full of bullying, violence, financial abuse, coercion I could go on...

Why have you picked affairs? Is it because you think they're worse than other 'crimes'? If so why?

People are free to start threads to discuss those topics too @GabriellaMontez

(And I say that as someone who has experienced DV but not cheating. But I do find it fascinating how people justify cheating to themselves, and tbh how they manage to lie for weeks /months /years in order to manage it)

"As respite from an emotionally and sexually abusive husband. Divorced now, make better choices, have never been unfaithful to any partner since.

There is often too simplistic a view on Mumsnet about affairs. We’re only hearing from one side."

This was me as well as being emotionally and sexually abusive ex was a raging alcoholic and compulsive liar / cheater. We were living abroad and I was trapped.

Affair partner kept me sane in many ways and we absolutely loved one another. It was all too difficult and I eventually gave AP up. When we moved back to the UK I was able to leave my Ex and rebuild a new life. I've been with my new DH for 16 years since then- he's a wonderful man and I would never dream of cheating.

As above poster said sometimes the views on mumsnet are very black and white and cheaters are not always deceptive by nature.

@GabriellaMontez , my partners affair caused me to have a total breakdown, the consequences of his actions for my daughter and me were horrific.

On here it seems to be

But we fell in luuuuuurve

Which justifies anything
🤮

I was actually thinking something similar - people do all sorts of selfish, terrible things everyday. Why are affairs seen as unusual or particularly worthy of note?

It can't be because of the potential to break up a family, because any number of things could do that. Is it the deceit?

For so many different reasons but it boils down to selfishness. People considering their own desires as more important than anyone or anything else.

Probably a variety of circumstances but perhaps underlying it a basic lack of commitment and respect for marriage. In the feminist movement of 70s/80s etc marriage was thought to be an institution serving men not women

Some people don’t have to justify though, they don’t feel guilty. It’s not a nice thing to think about but it’s a fact. Not everyone thinks an affair is morally wrong.

Lots of reasons.

Some people just thrive on the chaos and excitement and don't care about anyone else.

some people get so bored they need to do something to feel alive, but they cannot leave for some reason (financial, family pressure etc).

Some people were so abused in their marriage that it takes someone from outside to show them that there is a way out.

I've seen all of the above. I do judge the first, but not the others. If you've not been in that position, you can't judge.

There are as many reasons for affairs as there are affairs.

Bored and frustration

Lack of sex

Opportunity and thinking you will get away with it

Feeling trapped in a marriage you should have left due to finances and children

etc etc

Its not always as black and white as it is painted on Mumsnet. Undeniably it causes a vast amount of collateral damage and pain.. Undeniably it’s a poor choice. But it happens enough for me to think not everyone who cheats is evil.

My personal opinion is that most people are not designed for decades of monogamous commitment to the same person. I think marriage is a very blunt instrument which invokes the law and finances to codify sexual commitment and it isn’t really workable to expect people to remain yoked together for decades. It’s an outdated and obsolete concept.

And while in an ideal world people should be transparent and decent enough to end a marriage before they begin a new relationship, it’s understandable that sometimes the pressure on people to stay is too great. I am not justifying cheating but I think it’s inevitable that it happens, given what a millstone marriage can be.

But I realise this isn’t a common or popular opinion.

Emotional, financial and sexual abuse in my marriage. So when I met someone who promised to love me and never treat me badly, I was willing to cross a boundary I never thought I would.

It did enable me to leave the marriage, unfortunately OM turned out to be a bad person, just in other ways.

I used to believe affairs were the worst thing you could do to a partner, I saw the world as very black and white.

Have no intention of ever cheating again, or being in a relationship full stop.

Agree with @Thepeopleversuswork

My mother has been having an affair with her married ‘boyfriend’ since I was 17. I’m now 49