To wonder how people who have affairs justify it to themselves?

[CockerMum]

Prompted by another thread but also a discussion recently with a friend who mentioned they have another friend who has been having an affair with a married man for a decade.
If you have had an affair, even if you regret it now, how have you justified this to yourself?

I have yet to meet anybody who actually admits they were deceitful and selfish with little or no care for their spouse or partner.
Everybody defends themselves with some excuse or another.
The bottom line is that it is always wrong.
Leave if you are that unhappy or at the very least be honest about your intentions/ actions and give your spouse the dignity of some choice in the matter.
The deceit (especially when protracted) is the most crucifying thing when you eventually find out, not the break up itself.
If you have ever been through this yourself you wouldn’t do it to your worst enemy let alone somebody you have professed to love whether you are still in love with them or not.
And those who have abusive partners so don’t morally owe the partner anything will be more at risk not less if they have an affair. Leave or stay but adultery isn’t going to help.

So the things mentioned - infatuation, desire, excitement - are very short lived. Just moments really.
But indulging them will have an effect on the long term relationship, respect and trust to your long term partner - even if they don't find out it would have an effect on the way you see them (as somebody naive and easy to lie to).

This is the trade off. People who cheat trade off their feeling of being part of a trustful, secure partnership. That's why this is not part of most people's value system, however you are able to justify it to yourself, it's usually not who you want to be.
It costs you your long term peace and the feeling of security and safety a monogamous, long term relationship based on trust gives you.

Yes it's the deception that makes this so bad. The list that was provided by @Thepeopleversuswork makes me sick. 'boredom' and 'lack of sex' as a justification for cheating...oh please. How about improving communication and talking about issues and being proactive to get what you feel the marriage /relationship is missing (ie putting in the hard work) rather than completely destroying the confidence and stability of a family.

maybe in some areas you are more empathic than many are and in some areas you are not I do not know you are as a person

I personally would never say about anyone they would never have an affair ( I would be more surprised by some than others who I know personally) because I do believe that people can act at times completely out of character. For some they have got caught up in a situation and fallen in love then acted out of character. I don't believe it automatically makes them a horrible person, but knowing others can be hurt of course is selfish

and some people are just plain selfish, see married people as a conquest (but no one can be forced to have an affair), feel fine having sex outside of their marriage as there are no feelings involved, prey of those who are emotionally vulnerable and so on

Yep.
30 years later still together.
Problem?

There's no problem.

If there's no children that got hurt.

For the ego tickle and the thrill
Of telling a lie/having something secret for yourself. In the cases of men I've known who have had affairs. All of them had seemingly and by their own admission, lovely, attractive wives. All of them did it because they could. And not many of them ended up happier in any way at all.

There’s going to be a whole lot of different answers but mostly it’s because people who have affairs are weak and selfish.

It was just opportunistic sex.

That you didn't have the decency to end your respective relationships before screwing someone new.

I wasn't screwing you.... so not sure why you feel you can judge on who's decent or not.
You didn't know my ex.

You seem to think the world is black and white. Sometimes the affair person IS a victim. But not in your fantasy land

The right thing to do is get out of the abusive relationship first though.
Yes it's bloody scary and hard moving on on your own (I have been there). But it's far more dignified and healthy than needing an overlap in relationships

Boredom, predictability, desire for change....
Seriously, one and only person for, say, thirty years?
No thanks.

There are more affairs going on than anybody would ever know. The ones who are never found out are very good at deceit, risk assessment and have excellent impulse control. It goes without saying that they can compartmentalise.

They're not 'better people', they're just far more careful and those affairs go undetected. Some people are careless, for whatever reason, but don't assume that everybody is.

No, why would I care about that?

What on earth do you mean. You are writing in a very strange way. Most people would care about a child's suffering.

Why wouldn't you care about a child's emotional pain? Why wouldn't you care that the child's life would change into a worse life if their parents break up because of an affair. If the parents break up , the child will be plunged into bad circumstances. Poverty. A more difficult life.

Why wouldn't you care that a young child may find themselves in poverty if their parents break up .

Why on earth wouldn't you care!

Can you elaborate on why you wouldn't care,

Instead of just saying "why would I care"

No, they don't find out. But even if they did, it's not my problem, I don't know them from Adam.

But You don't have to know them.

What stops me from having an affair with a married man , is that I can imagine the emotional pain that his wife would go through.

I don't know her. I still have empathy for her

Did something happen to you? You seem to be missing basic emotions. Especially when you said that you don't care how children feel. That's not normal

Look I am not say this is justified or that I endorse it. It’s poor behaviour with devastating consequences.

But these things undeniably cause friction in relationships and if not dealt with they trigger affairs. You and I may not like it but it happens a lot so it’s worth exploring why it happens rather than just saying it’s all the result of selfish behaviour.

Obviously it’s better to talk about these things like adults and try to fix them if possible and, if not, end the relationship with honesty and decency.

But part of the problem with a marriage is that you are massively financially incentivised to remain invested im something even if it’s hurting you emotionally. It takes a lot of guts to say you are going to take a 50% hit to your financial position because your sex life has gone off the boil or you don’t feel you are being appreciated and heard in other ways. It’s hardly surprising people delay doing this and live with unappealing compromises until it gets to the point of crisis.

Marriage is a very very blunt instrument and one which makes it much harder for people to be honest about their needs and desires.

Overlap between relationships is a shitty thing to do, no matter the circumstances.

You can try to justify it, but most people won't agree.

Surely what stops you is that any married man (or woman) who has an affair is a horrible person, so why would you want to be with them?

That also stops me.

But what would primarily stop me is being ar to feel the hurt that I would cause other people.

I could never break up a family and hurt the children.

I'm not trying to justify it.

I don't care in the slightest what anyone else's opinion is - they've not walked in my shoes.

No. Because I'm a decent human being.