To wonder how people who have affairs justify it to themselves?

[CockerMum]

Prompted by another thread but also a discussion recently with a friend who mentioned they have another friend who has been having an affair with a married man for a decade.
If you have had an affair, even if you regret it now, how have you justified this to yourself?

I wouldn’t do it personally for all the reasons people have discussed. It’s disruptive, disrespectful and can do huge damage to children.

But I also can see that there are circumstances where people may feel so trapped that they’re unable to manoeuvre in their marriage.

Marriage forces people to act against their own self interest a lot of the time and in my view needs to be radically overhauled so people’s emotional, spiritual and sexual wellbeing isn’t linked to the financial structure of their lives.

Yeah, both sides would stop me. But I couldn't find a man who is willing to cheat attractive. And I am not stupid enough to believe a man who claims he is no longer having sex with his wife either.

Have you conveyed that that is your standpoint to partner/spouse? How did they take it?

I can’t speak for this poster but this is exactly why I would never marry again.

Given the right set of circumstances, most people are capable of having an affair.🤷‍♀️

They have "a right to be happy" . This trumps all responsibilities, obligations, and morality.

If people feel that way, they can simply be openly polyamorous rather than deceiving potential partners into believing they are monogamous.
It's not an excuse to lie and to steal years, even decades of somebody's life by pretending to be monogamous and cheating in secret. That's unconscionable. There's nothing wrong with not being monogamous providing you are honest about that with partners.
It's entirely realistic to expect somebody who claims to be monogamous to be exactly that. Or should we just assume that everybody is lying and never trust anyone? How grim a life that would be.

Then don't commit to monogamy. Problem solved.

A vow is a sacred promise, not a momentary impulse. People don't generally make that level of commitment purely on a whim. People of character keep their promises, and if they change their minds later, they are upfront about it and end the relationship ethically.
So why, in your opinion, don't people just admit they won't be monogamous instead of lying and making a commitment they don't intend to honour?

I really think few people nowadays go into marriage thinking it’s ’till death’. I think they make their vows on the assumption it will hopefully last, but if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

People get older, change, their priorities are different.....
Are we supposed to live in misery, because what worked twenty years ago doesn't work now?
Maybe if we lived for eternity, but we don't.

Of course not. Just exit the relationship honestly and ethically if you aren't happy in it. Are you saying that's impossible?

Everything is possible, if we want it enough 😊

I wholeheartedly agree with this and the pitchfork mentality irritates me.

No one can justify having an affair because we can all agree it's morally wrong.

And yet it happens, because the societal norm is to get married and have a family then be grateful you aren't single even if you are desperately unhappy. Because that's why people have affairs - they are unhappy and they don't feel they can pull the plug on the relationship, be that because of cowardice, abuse, or something else.

Because not everyone meets the love of their life when they are single.
I met someone and my world stopped. Within 4 weeks I had left my marriage .

That was 20 years ago. Of course I regret the hurt I caused but I would do it again tomorrow.

If you'd do it again, you don't actually regret the hurt you caused. That's a total contradiction. At least be honest that you don't particularly care if you hurt somebody, because you've as much as admitted it without meaning to.
What was stopping you from ending your marriage before fucking the person you cheated with?

@XChrome I think both things can be true.
It's possible to cause pain, to not enjoy doing so, but that it's a necessary evil.

Except that's a self deception and a rationalization, because it's not necessary. If you don't want to be with somebody anymore, you can end the relationship kindly and ethically and spare your partner a lot of pain. If you can't be bothered to do something as simple as that, you don't actually care if you hurt that person.
I'm not suggesting enjoyment of the pain, though that certainly does happen. I'm suggesting indifference to it and the standard disingenuous lip service being made about "regrets."

@XChrome I did leave the marriage before having sex.
But I did leave because I met someone. The way I felt about it a comparative stranger made me sure my marriage was wrong regardless of what happened with the other man.

As it happens it worked. But I do regret the hurt I caused my husband by leaving him.

I think the language used after an affair is finally discovered is very indicative of the mental gymnastics used to justify themselves.
”Of course I regret what happened”
It didn’t just “happen” affairs aren’t an accident. You did it. You made a conscious choice on what to do and then another choice to lie about it.
Also the “ I didn’t set out to hurt you” line.
Whether this was your intention or not means nothing. The fact is that they disregard you altogether in prioritising their pleasure and you are simply collateral damage.
It is the ultimate disrespect.
If they really thought their affair was morally acceptable then the language used would reflect this.
They know full well how wrong it is but they do it anyway because they want to.
I would never trust anyone in any capacity even just as a friend if I found out they had deceived a spouse like this.
Those I know who have had affairs have a moral compass they can flex to fit their own desires at any given time so how could I ever rely on them?

Ah, now I understand your previous comment. That's a completely different scenario from leaving because of an affair and there's nothing wrong with it. I'm glad you're happy now.

Monogamy is to a certain extent what is socially expected. Somewhere along evolution, it came to be that monogamy was the only socially acceptable relationship.
Not every relationship fills all the needs of one or both people. They may be fantastic in bed, bring in loads of money, a great parent to the kids, but rubbish at the emotional connection that women /men need.

There isn't one size fits all, circumstance is a huge factor. Genetically are we programed to be monogamous? Maybe people who are being cheated on should look at their relationships and needs? An affair may be Fwb, no intention of breaking up a marriage, just a friendship that occasionally involves sex?

Yes, people can be hurt by it, but it can also mean that a partner stays put because they are happy, not arguing and wanting to leave simply because a need isn't met.
No one can be everything to another person.

Yep on MN the sanctimonious seem to genuinely believe it’s the worst crime.

My theory is because they are aware that it could happen to them and they have fear. They weren’t scared of some of the other things as they know they would leave. But an affair behind their back scares them.
even when when people describe complex situations that led them to an affair involving an abusive partner or a disabled partner they no longer loved but didn’t feel they could leave or an arranged loveless married they couldn’t extricate themselves from for cultural and safety reasons or some other heart wrenching situation, the sanctimonious still come down hardest about the affair
Smacks of cultural ignorance and the privilege of not living in someone else’s shoes.

My husbands friends always give him the old chestnut of their wives aren't interested in sleeping with them anymore or some shit like that