It's been hard to connect grandkids to grandparents since school started. AIBU?

[SpongeBob119]

DS started school last week and since then it's been hard to see grandparents.

Before that he was in preschool 3 hrs a day, and we saw my parents 1-2 times a week and DS would play there for hours (they live 25 mins away) and my in laws 1-2 times a month (they live further and are less playful).

Since school started it's been a lot harder. There are only 2 hours between school and bedtime, and he's knackered and processing the new routine / information he's taking in so has needed time to connect with us and help processing his emotions.

We saw parents last weekend but have other plans this weekend.

Grandparents giving me a hard time over it and I do feel guilty but not really sure what I can do about it. Surely it's just the way life goes? I think it'll settle down once DS has got used to school.

How often do your kids see their grandparents?

Wow wish my parents cared that much! Mine are 10 mins away and we see them maybe 1-2 times a month! MIL lives 25 mins away and we see maybe once every 2 months (which I’m happy about!!)

Once a month for one, once every 4-6 months for the.other.
The other ones live on the next street and even then we can sometimes go a week or so without seeing them. They pick up the younger one but now the eldest is at secondary it has got more difficult again!

Why don’t you encourage grandparents to pick child up 1 day a week and give him an early tea? - kid gets 1-2-1 time with GP - You get a break (& don’t have to do tea)!

Maybe they could pick him up and give him his tea once a week?

Can they pop over for dinner on a Wednesday evening or something like that? They can see for themselves how tired their grandchild is after a day at school.

Well your parents are being unreasonable! Your DS needs to get into a routine. My two were very tired when they started school. Do you always have to travel to them? Perhaps they can come to you in the week. Your DS will probably fall asleep in the car if you travel them.

DS needs a lot of sensory input after school. He has SEN and is masking all day. I'd love my parents to be able to do this but they don't recognise the signs. Maybe I could educate them if they're happy to learn.

Give it a chance to settle in!
My mum used to collect DC once or twice a week and bring them to my house and give them snack etc.
Now they're a bit older, she takes the one that does activities to two twice a week which is nice for them.

The other DC refuses to do activities but see my mum when she's collecting and dropping the older one back.

Mine see both sets for about an hour once a month. Mine live 3 hours away so visit once a month. The in-laws live 10 mins away and have never been that involved or bothered but come around for an hour once a month.

I think with the change of routine that school brings, grandparents are unreasonable to expect the same level of contact. They need to put the children's needs before their own. School is tiring, especially for children of that age and they need tune to properly unwind in the evenings/ weekends

They're happy to travel to us, but when they did that last week DS wouldn't eat because he just felt all over the place with them there, I ended up having to feed him (for the first time ever!) so they felt like weekends would be better...whereas I don't want to/cant always tie every weekend up.

Well presumably they are aware that children grow up and go to school. Perhaps they just need time to accept that their little grandson is growing up...

It’s only a week! Give him a chance to settle in. My would come with me on Thursday to pick up my son and we would go out for tea or to the park/beach for an hour in nice weather & get fish & chips on the way home. We did that for years until he was a teenager. May be just give it some time to make a new routine

Mine live miles away so it is over facetime and somehow even fitting in 5-10 min video call every week feels a challenge. Either it is afterschool club or swimming lesson then home, do dinner while they get to play, eat, maybe bath and bedtime. Just tricky to fit it in the time or SEN one not really up to it

Why don’t they pick him up on a Friday after school and give him his dinner, he can have a slightly later bedtime too as no school the next day which gives a bit more time to see them and then travel home or he could stay over and you get a night off!

just curious why is there currently only 2 hours between school and bedtime? Does he go to after school club? As ours finish 3.30pm and bed is 7.30pm.

Growing up we’d have dinner with my grandparents one night a week and then spent every Saturday with them until we were teenagers and wanted to do our own thing!! Often stayed over Saturday night too. Best memories.

My mum comes over on Fridays and picks the children up from school, 1 goes for a sleepover (they have a rota system in place between the 3 of them) then she brings them back Saturday and spends the day with us. Of course sometimes we have to alter plans because of parties/activities but it works for us.

It’s most probably because they are unaware how the visits will work, so explain to them.

Maybe you can’t do a multiple times a week. If you can do every second weekend and stay for the afternoon/dinner and perhaps he could then stay over and you collect him in the morning.

Whatever you work out is possible, you have to inform your parents what the plans are- as they will need to make their plans too.

This is a nice idea and they tried it last Friday, but he wouldn't eat as he felt all over the place with them there and ended up having to be fed.
We get home at 4 and he has to be in bed by 630, so 4-5 plays, 5-6 eats dinner, 6-630 has a little winddown and changes into his pjs etc. Even with such an early bedtime he doesn't get up on time and we're rushing the morning 🙈

I used to put my kids to bed at 7pm, then 8pm in junior school. You’re losing hours to this!

I’m sure my childhood was the same. We went to grandads after school on Fridays for fish and chips.

We usually see MIL once a week, but only ever on the weekend and only if the kids don't have birthday parties etc. They would never be expected to miss out on a fun event or activity in order to go and see their grandmother. She's an adult, she understands we sometimes have other plans.

My parents live in a different country so we only see them a couple of times a year during school holidays.

Edited to add MIL lives a 10 minute drive away

I get that but I feel like we're not being given space to see how things go 🙈

Your parents might need some help adjusting their expectations because it seems quite selfish of them not to recognise that they can’t have every weekend. Maybe they can start to look after your ds for more overnights during the school holidays.

Give it a few weeks and I imagine he'll be fine for them to come and do tea etc after school. Perhaps reassure them that this is what you want to work towards, but he just needs a few weeks to settle in first?

My 6yo DS is undiagnosed autistic - he's on the pathway but it's a long process.

My MIL used to look after him 2 days a week until he was 3yo, then she had a couple of hands off years when she would pop over for a cup of tea on the weekend and see him for longer periods on occasional Sundays and very occasional sleepovers during the holidays. Since he started school, he looks forward to Fridays when she collects him from school, he has tea at hers, then she drops him back at about 7pm.

It took her a couple of years to figure him out, but I think it's important that grandparents can build their own relationships and create their own boundaries and expectations (within reason!).

He sees my mum once 2/3 times a year for a few days at a time, but they have an equally close relationship. I do wish they could see more of each other though.

If I were you, I would just get started on an after school collection and let them get on with it. They love him, after all!

I think you have to spell things out for your parents/PiL a bit. Your DC doesn't have as much time now so they aren't going to be seeing him as much as they were when he had an open schedule. You aren't going to commit the majority of your weekends to seeing GPs (don't apologise or defend this, just state it). They can either hang tight a bit while he adjusts to school and help to work on a weekday routine that works for you all, or they can see him a lot less.

My mum picks my autistic son up once week from school, takes him to her house and gives him his dinner etc, then brings him back for bed time. He loves it, and it gives them some quality time together.