It's been hard to connect grandkids to grandparents since school started. AIBU?

[SpongeBob119]

DS started school last week and since then it's been hard to see grandparents.

Before that he was in preschool 3 hrs a day, and we saw my parents 1-2 times a week and DS would play there for hours (they live 25 mins away) and my in laws 1-2 times a month (they live further and are less playful).

Since school started it's been a lot harder. There are only 2 hours between school and bedtime, and he's knackered and processing the new routine / information he's taking in so has needed time to connect with us and help processing his emotions.

We saw parents last weekend but have other plans this weekend.

Grandparents giving me a hard time over it and I do feel guilty but not really sure what I can do about it. Surely it's just the way life goes? I think it'll settle down once DS has got used to school.

How often do your kids see their grandparents?

Crying down the phone! WTF? Your parents are not coming out of this well. Are they always this hard work?

It’s not about them. Your DS is 4 years old, he’s little and needs rest and sleep after school. FFS I’m cross on your behalf. They are behaving outrageously selfishly. Your DS is not there for their entertainment. He’s not a toy.

Space to see how things grow.

Do you think you’re being a bit dramatic?

They're 20 mins down the road, you either want to see them or don’t.

I don't know. I'm dealing with my son's anxiety re starting school. Our own at the change in routine, starting work, change in life stage. And on top of that I have to counsel my parents through it. It feels like a lot and I do feel resentful that my parents aren't more emotionally available to help us, but are instead adding to the plate of things to deal with. But maybe other people are more stoic than me.

I don't think the OP is being dramatic. I do think that OP's parents are being over-dramatic when they are crying down the phone. The OP doesn't need this emotional blackmail.

This post is quite dramatic

That's what you need to remind your parents off.
That once you were in school you only saw Granny occasionally and certainly not multiple times per week.

Do you work?
If you worked I'd consider asking them to do wrap around care but other than that no.
I'd certainly not entertain the idea of having them round for dinner during the week.

I assume you have a husband to think about too, would he want ILs rocking up midweek.

It sounds like they need a hobby that doesn't involve you and DGC

As GPs it was quite a transition for us as well when our DGD started school last year.Up to that point we'd been caring for her one day a week (barring holidays) consistently since our DD's return to work after Mat.Leave . We miss those 3 years very much,and appreciate that we'll never get that kind of opportunity again .

DD and DSiL have been concerned about keeping both sets of DGPs in contact since then,and will try to find some opportunity to pop in-if only just for an hour- but not necessarily every weekend,as since starting school DGD's social life has blossomed! I wouldn't dream of expecting them to do anything during the week,nor would I ever hint that we haven't seen them for a while.

Every so often we will have a family Sunday lunch,either at their house or ours,or they'll join us for sandwiches/soup round about lunchtime on a Saturday.

We're mindful that DGD has another set of grandparents too.We are always very happy to see them when we can.One consolation is that the school half-terms seem to fly by very quickly these days and it's never long before we have her back with us for a day or so of childminding.I just wish that the school periods had flown past that quickly while I was still teaching!😆

How often do your kids see their grandparents?

10 mins away - never
3 hours away - most big school holidays (ie not half term), FaceTime etc

Your parents and ILs have had it good for a long time! An unusual amount of contact IME. Nice though. But unusual. They should put their grandchild’s needs first rather than demanding more time with him.

He started this new routine last week and they’re crying down the phone that they miss him???

Any grandparent crying down the phone saying they miss him is being incredibly manipulative and I would take step back and reevaluate what this relationship is doing for me.

They were crying down the phone they're going to miss him before he even started school 🙈

Yeh that's the issue I think, I'm dealing with the shock of their reaction

You sound like a very balanced DGP! I completely get that they're losing what was a really precious part of their week but I feel like their reaction was unexpected as surely the adult part of them understands 🙈

Wow.

Very strange for gps to cry to you about this. I’m guessing they have deeper issues going on.

I think that’s really manipulating, your ds needs come first and he has just started school. They really need to take stock and stop being so demanding. The weekend ends are short, they might start sports, or get invited to parties.
Decide what you can do and do that.

Could you explain your reasoning? Most people seem to disagree.

Some people really seem incapable of keeping their feelings in check, and can't help themselves.
They may be being manipulative, they may be emotionally immature.
But they are certainly not being fair on you.

I was coming to say this. My MIL collected DS pretty much every Thursday from Reception to Y6. She would take him back to their house, play and do him a hot meal. Either we collected him or they brought him round at the agreed time.

Thursdays were Nanny Day.

She wanted to do this, it wasn't us taking the piss, and having a set day meant us, her, DS and school knew what was occurring.

Oh come on, we saw our grandparents for a weekend before Xmas, over Easter weekend and probably for a week in the summer holidays. Always. And that was probably more than enough for everyone. Why does it have to be every week? People who live in different countries might see grandchildren once a year. OP, whatever works for you is perfectly OK, but every week is ridiculous and the grandparents need to back off.

He's finding it really tiring and is very emotional at the moment which they wouldn't handle well, but I wouldn't mind this once things have settled down. I think I just feel really scared off by the ferocity of their emotions though ...but maybe it'll all even out

You are correct to wait for things to settle a bit. My LO had a great first week but once the novelty of new teacher, new friends etc wore off it’s been quite rough. Neither him nor me would appreciate having more pressure than what we are going through or demand on our time at the moment.

Mine see their grandparents on my husband's side every 6 weeks (3 h drive), and my parents every 4 to 6 months (different country). Not nearly enough.
One of my biggest regrets in life is to not have realised how beneficial it would have been to move nearer to family when we could.

I can't believe how manipulative they have been. You need to stand up to them, "you know what it's like when kids are in school, you just don't have the same time"

I wonder if they are thinking history will repeat itself and they'll only see you and LO at holidays.

I would be clear with the grandparents that your son is going through a big adjustment and so you can't prioritise time with them as much as they and you would like right now because this is a big deal for him - but once he has made the adjustment you are as keen as they are to make sure he spends lots of time with them because you know how much he loves it - it will just have to be more in the holidays and a little less during term time. If you think the sensory stuff is something they can learn in the meantime absolutely give them some 'homework' as well on that.