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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It's been hard to connect grandkids to grandparents since school started. AIBU?

82 replies

SpongeBob119 · 13/09/2024 20:47

DS started school last week and since then it's been hard to see grandparents.

Before that he was in preschool 3 hrs a day, and we saw my parents 1-2 times a week and DS would play there for hours (they live 25 mins away) and my in laws 1-2 times a month (they live further and are less playful).

Since school started it's been a lot harder. There are only 2 hours between school and bedtime, and he's knackered and processing the new routine / information he's taking in so has needed time to connect with us and help processing his emotions.

We saw parents last weekend but have other plans this weekend.

Grandparents giving me a hard time over it and I do feel guilty but not really sure what I can do about it. Surely it's just the way life goes? I think it'll settle down once DS has got used to school.

How often do your kids see their grandparents?

OP posts:
orangeleopard · 13/09/2024 21:27

My son is in reception but due to his additional needs, he is only currently doing half days of school. I’m dreading when he’s going full time because he goes to his dads every other weekend so with that and full time school it’s going to be only twice a month that my son will see his grandparents and family in comparison from the multiple times a week he’s used to from nursery and the school holiday. He loves his family so it makes me sad with the lack of time

Original poster
SpongeBob119 · 13/09/2024 21:29

orangeleopard · 13/09/2024 21:27

My son is in reception but due to his additional needs, he is only currently doing half days of school. I’m dreading when he’s going full time because he goes to his dads every other weekend so with that and full time school it’s going to be only twice a month that my son will see his grandparents and family in comparison from the multiple times a week he’s used to from nursery and the school holiday. He loves his family so it makes me sad with the lack of time

I know what you mean. DS is already grieving the vastly reduced time he has with me and DH and I don't think he can quite process the grandparents bit yet.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/09/2024 21:32

We get home at 4 and he has to be in bed by 630, so 4-5 plays, 5-6 eats dinner, 6-630 has a little winddown and changes into his pjs etc. Even with such an early bedtime he doesn't get up on time and we're rushing the morning

Is he sleeping 13 hours?!

It seems to me unusual for a healthy child to need bed so early, but regardless - your parents are being unreasonable. Most people work and don't see grandparents during the week. You see them on weekends and that is plenty to stay close.

User79853257976 · 13/09/2024 21:33

They need to visit your home.

YouveGotAFastCar · 13/09/2024 21:39

They need to get used to seeing you less often.

It was always unrealistic that you’d be able to or want to keep up weekly visits once school started; let alone multiple times a week. You’ve done it for a long time. Now you need a more reasonable schedule.

Needanewname42 · 13/09/2024 21:42

How often did you see your Granparents?

Seriously I don't think I'd want parents round mid week. I can honestly say it would do my head in. If I'm just home from work then I want easy dinner chill get kids to bed.

Visits need to stay at the weekend. Unless they are prepared to do pickup and deal with LO for an hour.

I see my mum every 1-2 weeks and ILs 2-3 weeks.

Needanewname42 · 13/09/2024 21:44

TheYearOfSmallThings · 13/09/2024 21:32

We get home at 4 and he has to be in bed by 630, so 4-5 plays, 5-6 eats dinner, 6-630 has a little winddown and changes into his pjs etc. Even with such an early bedtime he doesn't get up on time and we're rushing the morning

Is he sleeping 13 hours?!

It seems to me unusual for a healthy child to need bed so early, but regardless - your parents are being unreasonable. Most people work and don't see grandparents during the week. You see them on weekends and that is plenty to stay close.

Edited

Well if average sleep is 12 hours and mine never sleep 12 hrs somebody has to be more that 12 to create an average!

CremeBruhlee · 13/09/2024 21:47

If they are pushing to see him more then they will have to fit into your schedule. We used to take kids round to one set of grandparents once a week and they would cook us tea. We would take PJs, reading books with us and do bath time at their house and any homework to keep to some routine and early night. The other set would pick up from school and give them tea and bake with them, craft or just watch tv together once a week. We are really lucky having 2 sets close but once school started normal visiting just didn’t work for us unless it was less often and at the weekend. It’s not for long as they stay up later in a few years (but then you are juggling hobbies) xxx

HelpMeHaveAVoice · 13/09/2024 21:53

I get that but I feel like we're not being given space to see how things go

What are they actually saying?
Have you told them you feel pressured by what they are saying?

Noseybookworm · 13/09/2024 22:19

It's early days and reception children are usually tired out in the first few weeks of school. I'd try and see them for a couple of hours at the weekend. Give it time - once he's settled, it'll probably be fine to have tea and play at your parents after school once a week. Make it part of his routine and he'll get used to it.

PeloMom · 13/09/2024 22:29

Your child’s needs are priority, not grandparents wants. When he’s older he’ll want to play with friends and do other stuff. Then what?

Original poster
SpongeBob119 · 14/09/2024 07:04

Needanewname42 · 13/09/2024 21:42

How often did you see your Granparents?

Seriously I don't think I'd want parents round mid week. I can honestly say it would do my head in. If I'm just home from work then I want easy dinner chill get kids to bed.

Visits need to stay at the weekend. Unless they are prepared to do pickup and deal with LO for an hour.

I see my mum every 1-2 weeks and ILs 2-3 weeks.

I saw them holidays and special occasions to my memory

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongeBob119 · 14/09/2024 07:04

Needanewname42 · 13/09/2024 21:44

Well if average sleep is 12 hours and mine never sleep 12 hrs somebody has to be more that 12 to create an average!

Show quote history

Hahaha exactly...thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
SpongeBob119 · 14/09/2024 07:06

HelpMeHaveAVoice · 13/09/2024 21:53

I get that but I feel like we're not being given space to see how things go

What are they actually saying?
Have you told them you feel pressured by what they are saying?

Crying down the phone that they miss him, asking to set a routine when I don't know what the routine would be yet as it depends how he feels, not really hearing when I say we have plans and saying they'll cook in case we get time to pop in...

OP posts:
alpacachino · 14/09/2024 07:07

He's only just started. They'll get the hang of only weekends and holidays

alpacachino · 14/09/2024 07:11

SpongeBob119 · 14/09/2024 07:06

Crying down the phone that they miss him, asking to set a routine when I don't know what the routine would be yet as it depends how he feels, not really hearing when I say we have plans and saying they'll cook in case we get time to pop in...

Show quote history

Have you considered going slightly nuclear?

Say it's really stressful and you don't need them making you feel guilty. You know they want to see him and once he's settled in you'll be able to see what's what. Explain it's more intense than preschool. Let them know you're hoping to see them every other weekend or something. But they need to chill the fuck out.

BendingSpoons · 14/09/2024 07:21

You definitely have a grandparent problem. School has barely started. I understand it's a big change but your DS needs to come first. First term of Reception they are often exhausted. Just be a broken record and see them at weekends for now.

My parents are 15 mins away. We only see them after school if they are helping with pick up (once a month or so due to work) or for special occasions e.g. birthdays. We see them at weekends (every 2-3 weeks) and more in the holidays. We often video call after school for 15 mins.

SJM1988 · 14/09/2024 07:21

I see my parents once every 4-6 week ( live 2 hours away) and in laws once every 18 months ( live the other side of the world).
Even if they lived close I'd say it would be once every month max. Between school, homework and activites, we have one free evening a week and one free afternoon a weekend. Throw parties in at weekends ( the last three weekend 2 a weekend) and actually wanting to spending some time as just a family, we dont really have more than one or two free weekend afternoon a month.

Maria1979 · 14/09/2024 07:24

Well, your DP are not your DC. You're responsable for your DC and making sure he's needs are met. Since SEN his needs are different that NT children's. Just say that calmly to your parents. Offer them a book on DC's special needs and discuss with them afterwards. If they miss him they need to learn more about him and how they can help him to wind down. Then they can help out with fetching him from school once a week perhaps. But first he needs to adjust to his new environment and if they don't understand that, well that's too bad. Meeting your child's needs must be more important than pleasing your parents.

Wonderwall23 · 14/09/2024 07:30

I would acknowledge their feelings and appreciate that this is an adjustment for them too but they are adults and their behaviour is incredibly selfish and I would be firm that you need to get him settled and then review. If they love him (which they clearly do) they should want what is best for him. I would have no qualms in saying that but it's easy to comment when it's not me having to do it!

Both sets of GP did a day a week childcare for me pre-school. We never went round after school once he started and it was just accepted as a different life stage. What's normal isn't the same for everyone but I definitely think that's the norm in my experience. If your family works differently that's fine, but I would settle him and then introduce a meal or a pick up a week etc. We make effort at weekends but sometimes we have other plans (as do they).

As an aside, my DS has no SEN or health issues but happily went to bed at a similar time at that age and woke up naturally at just the right time for school. It annoys me that people on here (in general, not just this thread) think that's weird. I'm not an idiot...if he was waking at 4am then I would obviously have adjusted it and if he had fatigue issues in the day I would have noticed and seen GP. Clearly different things are right for different children...same as adults.

SophiaJ8 · 14/09/2024 07:32

They’re not going to be able to see DC as much as when they were only in part-time preschool, however it works.

autienotnaughty · 14/09/2024 07:36

We see in-laws one or two weekends a month and see friends/do outings /chill the others.

I'd ask them to come after school maybe once a week then see them one or two weekends

Twilightstarbright · 14/09/2024 08:02

My DS slept 13 hours at that age, it would be cruel to deprive him of the sleep he needs!

We are now in the full throes of sports activities on both weekend days, one set of grandparents will come and watch then we go for brunch; the other refuses to and says it’s boring. Unsurprisingly, we don’t see them as much as they only want to see us on their terms.

It’s a huge transition starting school, especially with SEN.

Namechangeforthis88 · 14/09/2024 08:08

Crying down the phone is ridiculous. You have enough on your plate without that.

Can I suggest "His needs come first." Firmly, on repeat, until they back off.

Zanatdy · 14/09/2024 08:09

They need to step back and stop with the guilt trips. Organise some days out for half term so they’ve got something to look forward to. It sounds like a mid week visit right now is too much for him. You probably need to be blunt with them. They need to get some new hobbies and be grateful they see their GC as much as they do, as many GP only see their GC 1-2 times per year