To think this level of saving is extreme and I’m right to question it?

[ITru]

My DP earns 3,800 after tax. Although we live together he also owns a home and so our finances have always been separate and we just split food bills and heating for my place. Anyway…

it recently came to light that DP is saving 1,500 from an income of 3,800. He never asks me to sub him or anything so that’s not the issue… the issue is he has often said let’s go somewhere cheaper for dinner or let’s go abroad one less night etc. he’s always trying to cut costs. Now I know he’s saving this it’s really annoyed me. Like I say he does pay his way so that’s fine but I can’t understand why for example we went somewhere average for my birthday dinner recently or why we couldn’t have split the cost of a swanky hotel when we went away in summer rather than camping like we did!!

I know everyone has a different perspective on how to spend money and what to spend it on but AIBU to think this is extreme?

It’s been said on here many times the cocklodger would have no claim on the house should he start paying rent.

Maybe she doesn't want the argument if they break up. It's very clear. Your house. My house.

I don't see this as a problem. It's his money. Unless you're married it's not really your business IMO.

I think he's sensible.

I do think you are subbing him though.

My DP is very similar. I used to find it a bit strange, but after nearly two decades together, I’m grateful to him for being so sensible (and so used to him being tight that it doesn’t bother me!). It means when we’ve needed a bit extra (private SEN assessment for child, emergency house repairs etc) it has never been a worry.

Exactly that. It’s bonkers.

How long do you think £77k would last someone in retirement without taking a hit on lifestyle? That's a handful of years of a safety net being realistic about it.

What so he has an empty house that could be getting a rental income yet he is saving £1500 pm by going camping instead of to a hotel and having cheap meals out?

I’m internet dating again, yes a real insight into personalities and spending habits.

The vast majority of men have nice sports cars, especially if children are grown up. I had 3 dates with a man who rented a penthouse flat in an exclusive area but was very much into high risk investing and he was kicking himself for not buying a previous flat in the same development, he says he has the money for this. He pays extortionate service charges though.

Another man I am about to have a first date with, he’s divorced with an adult daughter but he likes travel and concerts, preferably together.

Lots of men save or are property rich, cash poor.

I can’t see a huge amount here but if your spending habits are different they won’t magically change for him as he’s “saving” and that’s what he wants to do. Either you’re happy with that or not.

Is it an inherited house? I do know some people who’d rather their other property remains empty if they don’t need the money. After dealing with letting agents and properties I jointly own with relatives we don’t use letting agents. Yes it’s a pita but so are letting agents.

He’s paying his own mortgage

They BOTH have an asset that is 100% theirs. Why should he have to pay 1.5 mortgages?

because he’s able to avail of some benefit (that op seems reluctant to disclose) from his property. Either it’s appreciating massively; he’s letting an ex / child live their in lieu of maintenance; or there is some other benefit.

he’s able to do that because he doesn’t have to pay rent for his own living and is additionally able to put away £1500 pcm.

if he was paying his fair share to OP she could save that additional money. It’s not her problem that he has liabilities that’s he’s offsetting with his own house

In regards comments about OP's partner not paying rent to her . At the moment he is paying a mortgage on his own property - which he is not renting out (from what I can gather). It sounds to me as if it's a bit of a trial of spending time together in one house before formalising this with a complete sharing of costs and the other property being let . That's what it sounds like to me . And very sensible - OP is already finding areas of incompatibility regarding finances .. better to find out any issues before things are more formal and it's far more difficult to return to separate properties .

@ITru

YABU. First off, it's his money and he can do what he chooses. He doesn't need to 'splash out' simply because you want to 'upgrade' an experience. If you want the upgrade, you pay for it.

Saving is always wise. IMHO you can't have 'too much' savings unless you're eating cat food or making your DC wear rags to do it. Nor should you do without the basics; food, warmth, shelter. But putting money by that you can afford to is smart. Let me tell you, retirement is expensive. DH and I saved hard during our working years and are very comfortable because of it. We didn't 'do without' the necessities, nor a few of our 'wants'. I was the 'saver' and he was the 'spender' but we managed a compromise. But we were and are married and that legally ties our finances together in a way that being partners doesn't so we had to find that compromise. Partners can plan for their futures individually and that sounds like what your DP is doing.

All that being said, if you feel your 'money styles' don't mesh then you need to give serious thought to whether or not this mismatch is going to work long term. I don't know your ages nor your plans for the future, but if you're envisioning marriage and/or children with this man, you may want to think again.

I personally couldn’t be with someone I felt was stingy. We just wouldn’t be compatible. I have been a saver since a child but both my husband and I live life on the principle it could be short after losing close family members when they were pretty young. This means lots of family days out and experiences, meals out to nice restaurants and holidays to different destinations staying in good hotels as we are both in industries known for their lack of work-life balance. Of course life could be long too, hence we save and have investments and pay attention to our pensions.

Is he otherwise an ideal partner for you?

@ThisOldThang not sure why you would think that. I save around 600-800 a month and have done for a while. I do know the importance of savings but 1,500 from a 3,800 pay packet seems extreme to me.

I’m sure it’s been said but in my experience (and I’m sure the experience of many!) miserliness tends to be ten times worse in retirement. I’d be asking myself if you really want to spend those years with someone penny pinching, pore tially/probably so much worse than he does already? My grandparents always insisted they’d suddenly enjoy their hard-earned savings in retirement. Nope, they live as if they are poor. I think I’d rather cut my losses and, if you wish, meet someone you’re more compatible with.

Potentially*

Yes, it's extreme, how are you going to question it? What do you think will happen?

I used to think my dad was the meanest man in Christendom but this level makes him look like a spendthrift @ITru. While he never frittered money away, they had holidays and meals out. I couldn’t be doing with this kind of penny pinching, especially when he’s letting his biggest asset that could be washing its own face sit doing nothing. Leaving a house empty while paying the mortgage is the height of fiscal incompetence.

His money, OP.
As someone with a DH who has a lot of debt I would absolutely love it if my partner was this savvy with money.
I agree that you should save as much as you’re able to. You never know what awaits!

Leaving a house empty while paying the mortgage is the height of fiscal incompetence.

I disagree, renting out your home isn’t an easy thing to do.

There's lots of speculation on this thread about things we don't have information about, like how long the couple has been together and how much they have actually discussed finances. If it's a new-ish relationship it makes total sense for the DP to have kept his house, and kept it empty so he can return to it if needed. And not all properties are that easy to rent out, either - it could be in bad shape, or in the middle of nowhere, maybe he can't get a rental mortgage, etc. etc.

OP, in answer to your question, no - I don't think saving that much of his salary is excessive. It may be that he doesn't have much of a pension pot, or has a huge mortgage he needs to clear, or whatever. The issue is only one of compatibility, and it sounds as though you haven't told him clearly that his frugality bothers you. You should discuss it with him and work out the right lifestyle between you. If you can't do that, then there is a compatibility problem, but it sounds like it's never been raised.

Far rather a partner who over-saves than one who over-spends.

Working backwards if he's on 60k, assuming there isn't room for significant wage progression (if he was a trainee lawyer at a City firm the numbers would be going up very fast!).

If say there's a big challenge to get to the next step up, he may want to keep his options open and having savings is a good way to do this.

Agree with pps it actually makes perfect sense what he's doing... especially if he still has a mortgage to pay himself. If anything he could be more frugal!

I don't think this is about money though - I think it's feeling not a priority?

Maybe it's an age thing but I now only am interested in men who indicate my wellbeing is top of their priorities (happy to be screened out by men who don't like this dynamic).

Is it that he's spending on other things so the "birthday restaurant" is the same or worse as the "night out with mates" restaurant?

And camping is fine but he pays for other things for himself which are higher end?

Some people are frugal overall so they genuinely are into that lifestyle and it applies across the board.

However, if someone was "nice things for me and my friends, scrimp and save with the partner" that's a massive red flag for me

@ITru have you asked him about eating somewhere more expensive?

If you don’t have kids or any other dependents the I don’t think it is ridiculous unless you’re about to tell us his mortgage is 2k so he’s only spending 300 a month or something. Basically he just doesn’t want to do lavish things like you do as they don’t seem worth the money to him.