Newborn exhaustion - pls tell me it gets better

[NewMumSleep]

First time mum, c section, baby is 18 days old. Everyone told me newborns sleep loads. Yeah, he does, just not at night and not in his crib and not for long. DH has been super helpful but he goes back to work on Monday and I'm just angry at him now. He could push to stay an extra week at home but he won't because his boss is a cunt.

Breastfeeding has been brutal, I had a private lactation consultant help me with my latch etc so that's all fine but fuck me, it's exhausting being the only source of milk. The cluster feeding is a killer, where are these newborns who sleep 3 hours at a time?

When did it get better for you? Surely it gets better otherwise no one would have a second???

I found pregnancy so so hard, I had so many side effects (from morning sickness that lasted 20 weeks, PGP (I was in crutches in the last few days), the cholestatis was an added surprise I had never even heard about). I was so looking forward to have the baby but now I'm so sleep deprived, I feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've dreamt of this baby for so many years and now I just feel so much pressure to love it and, while I love him to bits, I am finding I'm not cut out for this at all.

It does get better. You're in the trenches just now and all the days will be merging into one but you'll find you go from 4 or 5 night wakes, down to 3, down to 2, then down to one then (hopefully none). My little girl is 5 months and I found that she settled into a good routine after about 12 weeks.

Would you be willing to reconsider breast feeding?

I've bottle fed since birth and I think it saved my sanity to be honest.

Oh you poor thing.

It’s brutal with a baby that does not sleep well or for at least one long stretch. It’s like torture, and piled on top of what sound like quite major pregnancy issues and probably months and months of accumulated sleep debt…

It does get better but it seems like it never will when you’re in the midst of it. Are you able to express anything at all? Or use formula? If so, send your baby out with their dad for a good 5 hours and get your head down.

Oh it can be brutal. The first few weeks of breastfeeding can be so so tough (certainly were for me). My daughter never seemed to sleep, apart from little snatches here and there. Luckily my mum could come and stay as I couldn't really walk for a few weeks after my c section. Do you have anyone who can come to help? People who you might not think of will often be willing.

For the nights, I used to have a little picnic box made up (cut up fruit, sandwiches, biscuits, etc) which was a huge help in surviving!

You might be in it for the long haul with sleep but you'll get there in the end! Lots of helpful accounts on Instagram if you're on that. And if it's not your thing, resist the sleep training pressure.

I gets better, much better, but it will take time. I also had awful pregnancy and awful births that both times ended with emergency c sections. I tried to breastfeed, first time for 4 months, second time for 2 months, but it didn't work.

It got much better when my husband was able to feed baby sometimes during night and I could get some sleep. I know it's not for everybody but it saves my sanity.

I know it is so hard now, but it will be better. And remember, your child has mum and dad, you deserve rest, you need rest.

My DD would not sleep anywhere except for on me. I also had a c-section and she was poorly so we spent the first week in hospital and I ended up having to call the nurses in to walk around with her for an hour every now and then just so I could pass out for a bit. Also really struggled with breast feeding and found it all too much at once so went with bottles.

Wasn't better at home, no crib or moses basket existed that she would settle in and I purchased loads! Partner also no help as she spent the first 3 months screaming if he or anyone else tried to hold her.

It was one big neverending blur but it did get better, she got into a routine and she started sleeping well through the night. You're in survival mode, forget about everything else. Sleep whenever you can no matter what time it is.

About 2.5 with my first and over 3 with my second. It took me seven years to pluck up the courage to have a second. Some people are luckier but babies and toddlers are hard work in the main. You do sort of get used to the lack of sleep but it’s pretty tough going

What have you tried so far? I know it’s not popular in the UK as much, but I’m on newborn #2 (10 weeks, born 4 weeks early) and they both slept well once I started swaddling them and introduced a dummy. That and white noise has made a world of difference.

Also, for us my husband would stay up with the baby until 11ish (I'd go to sleep about 7, just waking to feed), then he'd get up about 5.30 with her so I could get a couple of hours then. It helped massively.

I felt like you did, they don't call it the fourth trimester for no reason! It does get better.

Yes, it does get easier! Promise :) it’s tough as hell at first but it will get easier.

And the feeling of having made a huge mistake is totally, totally normal. Don’t heap shame on yourself on top of everything else.

DH needs to pitch in fully and make sure you get some quality sleep however that happens.He isn’t helping, he is doing his share. It doesn’t matter he’s going back to work. New working dads are sleep deprived too, unless of course he has a truly safety critical job.

Oh OP, we have all been there. The most helpful thing anyone said to me was that 'everything is a phase'.

Can you find something to do while BF that you enjoy? A good audiobook? Books on your phone? Good boxset?

And it's such a truism but if you can sleep while the baby sleeps then do. I never quite mastered that but I wish I'd tried more.

Does it get better? Sometimes they start to sleep. Does it get easier? Yes, you get more used to it.
I've got two kids 5 and 2.5 and I'm 20 weeks pregnant and just getting over hyperemesis which has coincided with the 2year old deciding he likes to get up in the night, it's knackering but nothing compared to how you feel with your first newborn baby waking every hour for a feed in those first two hormonal weeks where you're in pain and learning yourself.
Best thing we did cos my husband didn't get paternity was he'd take the baby from the feed closest to 7pm and hold her to sleep for as long as he could in another room to me (usually multitasking playing computer games) sometimes he could keep her asleep/settled until 11pm and honestly those 4 hours solid sleep saved me in the first couple of months.

I also coslept but not sure if that's an option for you.
I hope you get some sleep soon. It's hard x

It got better for me when i started co-sleeping and dozing through the feeds by lying on my side. it simply wasn't sustainable for me otherwise, i was really losing my mind. i do think that this solution is miles better than getting up to make bottles in the night.

Agree with PP. Any new mum will struggle with BF at first. But you have had a terrible end of pregnancy, extreme pain, a brutal delivery, and you need help. Baby will be happy as long is it’s fed.

Look into safe cosleeping, particularly having had your csection. And it is much easier to feed lying down. Cluster feeding is entirely normal, the baby is trying to bring up your milk supply to what he needs. Ignore the folks trying to put you off breastfeeding. It is much easier in the medium to long term.

Best thing your partner can do is bring food and snacks and drinks for you and hold him so you can have a shower and a rest when you get a chance. It does get easier and relatively quickly although it doesn’t feel it at the time.

My advise is- if you can pump (2 pumps - 1 on each breast at the same time) then do that. Fill up bottles and then other people can feed your baby while you rest.
2 pumps are definitely better than one as you get more out and your breasts work to express a larger amount at the same time (if that makes sense)
Your other half can then feed the baby during the night and you can get into more of a schedule once you start to pump/ feed at the same hour. So you can up the hours between feeds.

Oh OP. I promise it will get better - everything is a phase. If breastfeeding is painful or difficult, please consider formula or a combination of both to give yourself a bit of a break. You could also try co-sleeping following safe sleep principles if you have space. Lots of love.

It’s so hard, 30 odd years later I still remember the broken nights, not even having time for a bath, washing hair etc., My DH was at home helping for a couple of weeks and we were arguing so much that I was glad when he went back to work as I could get into a routine and as I was alone I just had to get on with it. My DS was an awful sleeper, would only sleep for 30 minutes at a time, that’s when I ran around cleaning up, getting dressed, sorting out food etc. He wouldn’t go down to bed at night until around 11.30 pm and woke at 5 am, fortunately DH would get up with him so I got a couple of hours peace before he went to work. Getting out walking with baby really helped me to cope, just being out of the house.

This bit is absolutely brutal. The cluster feeding and contact naps. I found I had absolute rage at my husband because I couldn’t be angry at the actual person who kept me awake all night 😂

it does get easier, mainly because even if they don’t sleep at night, they start sleeping longer and more reliably in the day so at least you can nap then.

if he naps okay in the pram, walk up and down the road til he drops off and then immediately come home and stick the pram in the hallway and have a sofa nap 😂

also remember it’s okay if you’re not head over heels in love with your baby yet. Keep him alive, cuddle him and know that the love will come. It took about six weeks for me to feel the intense love for my first, the next three it was instant the second they were in my arms. I just kept thinking “just keep him alive, it’ll happen.” And it did 😂

Taking shifts helped - so DH would take baby as soon as he got in from work and I had 3 hours of not being on call. Being able to switch off made a massive difference. We wheeled the crib into the spare room one night a week and he slept with her in there so I had a night off each week too (combi-fed baby).

Getting fresh air and daylight every day. Being stuck at home just made it worse and baby much less grumpy when out. She also slept better in the pram on the patio in the fresh air.

Reading a book whilst breastfeeding. I loathed what it felt like so the book helped to distract me from it!

I never got up to make bottles in the night tbh. I would take a sterilised bottles and a cow and gate ready to feed up to bed with me and would just reach for it when she woke up.
I appreciate that they are quite expensive but we bought them in bulk from Costco and saved us listening to her screaming the place down while we boiled the kettle and waited for the bottle to cool.

i feel this. 8 weeks pp following an Emergency CS. The anger towards partner will just come about in other ways, it’s normal!

Would you consider introducing a bottle and pumping? It saved me. I pump and feed from boob and knowing he can feed in the night and I can leave to have some sanity has made me ok. It also made my nipples feel better!

I haven’t yet got more than 2 hours sleep and I can’t nap in the day, but you do start feeling normal. Take all the help you can get!!

I’m not joking when I saw this but a chiropractor who specialises in baby cranial work has just changed my life. I wish I brought my now 5 month old when she was a newborn. See can you find either an Osteo or chiropractor local to you and see can you get your baby in. They’ll check for any birth injury that’s not really obvious but is there.

12 weeks is the magic number.

It gets so much easier xxx even just in a couple of months you will be able to get out and about more. You are doing amazing xxx