Newborn exhaustion - pls tell me it gets better

[NewMumSleep]

First time mum, c section, baby is 18 days old. Everyone told me newborns sleep loads. Yeah, he does, just not at night and not in his crib and not for long. DH has been super helpful but he goes back to work on Monday and I'm just angry at him now. He could push to stay an extra week at home but he won't because his boss is a cunt.

Breastfeeding has been brutal, I had a private lactation consultant help me with my latch etc so that's all fine but fuck me, it's exhausting being the only source of milk. The cluster feeding is a killer, where are these newborns who sleep 3 hours at a time?

When did it get better for you? Surely it gets better otherwise no one would have a second???

I found pregnancy so so hard, I had so many side effects (from morning sickness that lasted 20 weeks, PGP (I was in crutches in the last few days), the cholestatis was an added surprise I had never even heard about). I was so looking forward to have the baby but now I'm so sleep deprived, I feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've dreamt of this baby for so many years and now I just feel so much pressure to love it and, while I love him to bits, I am finding I'm not cut out for this at all.

It honestly gets better. My son is one and still doesn't sleep though but you adapt to the tiredness, crazily. You also get them I to a better routine with time, but atm you're in the hardest bit where you're up in the might thinking what have I done, this isn't for me. Despite an ivf pregnancy I still had some moments of regret in those early days, I felt like I'd lost all of myself too and he had severe reflux so couldn't go in crib after a while for longer than an hour at best, and couldn't breastfeed due to a severe tongue tie too. Those days seems ten years ago, it's nuts it was omly 9 months ago it was the hard days!

Hang in there, fit sleep and naps in wherever you can and take care x

I'm a FTM with a 4.5 month old and still breastfeeding and it will get easier breastfeeding for me once I got to 7 weeks just clicked. I had a awful start with it as he had a tongue tie that wasn't picked up straight away, we were sent back to hospital for a few days due to a drop in birth weight and put on a feeding plan. It was so tough but I am so pleased I persevered although just do what's right for you! Left over from the feeding plan we were on my little boy gets one bottle of formula on a evening as I have never got large amounts pumping but it gives me time to have a bath or shower or just have time to relax.

When you're husband goes back to work get comfy on the sofa, have the remote in reach a box of snacks and a big water bottle or multiple and don't stress about housework and enjoy the contact naps.

Not sure on your area but some places have free breastfeeding social support groups often in sure start places. They really helped me speaking to other new mam's going through the same and helped build my confidence in feeding in public.

Hope things get better for you soon x

Of course it will get better. And when you are exhausted and fit for nothing, so what? Do nothing. These days that seem endless will quickly pass. You have so much to look forward to together.

It’s really hard. When DS was tiny he pooped during every single breastfeed so I had to change him three or four times a night! Which meant he was wide awake and roaring and would take me another 40 minutes to get him back to sleep… for him to wake 40 minutes later. 🤪
You’re doing great.

Are you in Kent? If so private message me and maybe I can help you.

It gets so much easier and so much better ❤️ I exclusively breastfed both of mine, and it takes a few weeks to get established and cluster feeding is all part of it. Take everything else off your plate. Your job is to rest with your baby. Husband’s job is to do everything else. That gets harder of course when he’s back to work but he can still prep food for you for the day, make sure the washing is done etc. Surrender to the contact naps. Even if you can’t sleep while he’s sleeping you can set up on the couch and watch box sets. It won’t last for a long time and then you won’t get a chance to watch TV because you’ll be running after a toddler 😅 Or you can safely co-sleep. and you can still split the night with your husband even if you’re breastfeeding. You can have him bring baby to you every two hours and you just feed, he does the resettling so you’re still getting good sleep. Don’t stress about ‘bad habits’, that will all sort itself out. You’re in the trenches and you just have to get through it. ❤️

The breastfeeding will get better .. but in my experience they don't sleep through the night until about 2 years. My youngest is 14 months. I see light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't slept properly since 2018.

The early months were brutal for me but it does get better - or at least different. Every stage has its challenges but as you recover physically from giving birth hopefully you get more energy. And more sleep once the baby sleeps a bit longer.

Safe bedsharing is the answer, life changing.

Especially when combined with feeding in the side lying position (can take a few weeks to crack that while baby’s mouth is tiny).

It’s the biological norm, practiced in most countries as standard (and those countries don’t have SIDs - bedsharing actually prevents it)

Safe sleep seven, James McKenna’s sleep lab and lullaby trust are great sources of evidence.

Incredible work getting through the BF struggles 💪

When did it get better for you?

DC1, the minute I saw through the misinformation started bedsharing at 6 weeks

DC2 and DC3, bedshared from day 1 and it was a dream

Newborn babies are weird. They don’t know what they want. We don’t know what they want. But it does get better!!

Our DS took a while to sleep in his bassinet and we had to take turns holding him through the night then, one day, he just figured it out. There was no logical reason, it just happened.

The cluster feeding… Yep… I can’t stand all the ‘just you waits’ that people love to bombard you with during pregnancy but this is the one exception. Everyone talks about how tired you’ll be but why does no one tell you about cluster feeding?! It exhausting, but it is short-lived (even though it might not feel like it) and gets easier. But if you don’t think breastfeeding is for you, that’s also totally fine! There is absolutely no harm in introducing a bottle. Maybe you could try combination feeding for a while and see how you feel?

Same here. I have 3 , and BFing my first for around 3 weeks just about broke me. I was a new person once I switched to FF and went with ff with the others from birth. Its not a faff in the night - I used ready made bottles.

It is totally awful.
I remember wanting to scream into a range when a (lovely) friend would tell me that she just put her baby down in the cot and he’d just go to sleep. Just like that. And within about 3 weeks he was sleeping 8 hours at night.

my experience was a bit like yours, twice. Was awful.

I can’t tell you when it did get better but can assure you it did. The bit around the time the husbands finishing pat leave is the worst. For ages afterwards my dh did the night shift at weekends letting me just sleep through the night which was a Godsend. (He slept in the spare room during the week for months!)

This is the only way. Lots of snacks and box sets and comfy couch. See if anyone can help with chores or if you can afford cleaner. My oh most vital role was in making food for me. Don’t forget to eat and drink. Find your local bf support group

It all gets better after the first 12 weeks. Another more experienced mum muttered this to me a few weeks in. I used it as a mantra and found it to be true.

Oh and safe co-sleeping yeah. I resisted for weeks with ds1 but it eventually happened. I’d place him on the bed and let him latch on sideways to settle to sleep after a feed and once asleep rolled over to the other side of the bed

co slept with ds2 from the very first night.

I always say this on these posts but I promise it does get better. I absolutely fucking HATED having a newborn with my first.

He didn’t stop crying, I didn’t stop crying and I forgot what sleep was! The next two babies were so much easier, I think because I was more relaxed and less lonely.

Now 20 odd years later, I’m still scarred but he’s now delightful!

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Those early sleep deprived days are brutal and so lonely. It feels like it'll never end and like nobody else understands just how much you're suffering. But it does get better, slowly but surely.

I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my life after my first too, she was an awful sleeper. But I went on to have another two, so it really is survivable. Co-sleeping saved my sanity with the younger two, is that something you could try?

Hang in there

you don’t have to like it ' it’s fine just to survive these first few months.

Bf is much harder at the beginning than bottle feeding but much MUCH easier later on. Once you and baby are out and about ( I know it’s hard to imagine you will ever do that but it happens ) then Bf is so much easier, never having to make up bottles, have enough with you , find somewhere to heat them up m feed them at the correct time etc .

so yeah in terms of work , it’s swings and roundabouts. Both are work in their own way.

It’s really tough. You are doing well. Be kind to yourself. You are the life support for a new person. You’re recovering from pregnancy and birth. It’s exhausting and could stay exhausting for a while. Just take it step by step.

OP, my reply to you is what I wish someone would have said to me when I was in the exact same boat as you 4 months ago.

The newborn stage is absolutely shit, there is no level of exhaustion like it. Being a new mom is not a wonderful experience for everyone, and you get to feel all these feelings. If you don’t feel overcome with love and joy, that’s absolutely fine!
Your body has been through an ordeal, and you are providing nutrients for your child, the personal cost of which cannot be underestimated. I exclusively pump milk and I am exceptionally exhausted, but this is a choice I made and stand by.

The sleep gets better at about 2 months or so. I am so sorry that you’re having a hard time but I promise it gets better. SLOWLY but surely.

I strongly recommend you ask your GP for a referral to the perinatal mental health team. They have a variety if different professionals who can provide you with support to make this a bit easier - I needed the help!
Wishing you all of the best x

If you don't feel like shit at this stage the en you are doing something wrong.

It does get better. You know your baby better each day and get into a rhythm

You will survive this

Did make me laugh though the comment about your husbands boss 😂

It will get better. I took my midwife’s advice and slept when the baby slept in the day - by feeding lying on my side in bed. And after a few weeks, I co-slept at night after the first wake up. I think I’d have gone nuts otherwise.

It gets better. The newborn stage is overwhelming and intense. With my first, feeding didn’t go well at all and she was actually starving until we switched to formula. That made everything much better. She still contact napped for a long time but was much happier and less miserable. I was also in a lot of pain for a good few weeks and had heavy lochia until week 8 which made me feel like shit on top of the tiredness. It all got so much better from about week 10.

My second was in many ways an easier baby but needed to be timed like a grenade about to go off. She got utterly overstimulated and overwhelmed by about 7 in the evening. If she wasn’t down and asleep in a dark room by then, she’d spend the next 4 hours screaming solidly until she’d make herself sick and conk out.

I really loved the point with my babies when they could sit up, develop a personality and be a bit less delicate. Newborn stage was a bit of a punishing phase for me to get to the good bits.

Honestly, cosleeping! With my first we took shifts and I definitely fell asleep holding her on my shifts which was obviously dangerous. She was an awful sleeper up until 4ish. My second is 5 months and we've coslept pretty much from birth. He goes in his next2me but from the first wake he comes in with me. Learning to feed laying down is a game changer even if you don't coslept but do look into the safe sleep 7

Those first weeks are so hard, but as everyone's said, it gets better.

Good advice from other posters which I second -

• Get a good, constant white noise machine, it was an absolute game changer with my son.

• Pump, if you can, so your partner can feed. Get a really good double pump. I found giving him a big expressed bottle before bed meant he did a decent 3 hour stretch at the beginning of the night. Then I'd hand him over to my husband at 5am (4 if it had been a bad night! And he'd give him another bottle at 6/7ish. I'd have another 3 or so hour sleep and wake up with boobs full of milk which would pour out of me ready for the next day's bottles.

• as above, work in shifts over night. Get your partner in the spare room/sofa if you can, so he gets a proper chunk of sleep without disruption, then agree a time you can take the baby into him. That way you don't feel guilty when it's his turn!

Also, no one ever told me that newborns are NOISY sleepers. I only realised a few weeks in that half the time I was picking him up thinking he was awake and he was just in 'active sleep' - wriggling and grumbling but not actually awake. Once I realised this, it got easier and I didn't pick him up unless he was actually crying, I just rested my hand on his chest until he moved into a deeper sleep again. This was also easier when DH was in the spare room because I was less worried about DS waking him.

Hope this helps. I know how tough it is, but I'm about to do it again in a couple of months so it can't have been too awful for too long 😬