Newborn exhaustion - pls tell me it gets better

[NewMumSleep]

First time mum, c section, baby is 18 days old. Everyone told me newborns sleep loads. Yeah, he does, just not at night and not in his crib and not for long. DH has been super helpful but he goes back to work on Monday and I'm just angry at him now. He could push to stay an extra week at home but he won't because his boss is a cunt.

Breastfeeding has been brutal, I had a private lactation consultant help me with my latch etc so that's all fine but fuck me, it's exhausting being the only source of milk. The cluster feeding is a killer, where are these newborns who sleep 3 hours at a time?

When did it get better for you? Surely it gets better otherwise no one would have a second???

I found pregnancy so so hard, I had so many side effects (from morning sickness that lasted 20 weeks, PGP (I was in crutches in the last few days), the cholestatis was an added surprise I had never even heard about). I was so looking forward to have the baby but now I'm so sleep deprived, I feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've dreamt of this baby for so many years and now I just feel so much pressure to love it and, while I love him to bits, I am finding I'm not cut out for this at all.

I breastfed each child for 18 months....but I topped up with formula or I would have gone insane.

I used to go to bed just after supper, maybe around 6pm. Husband would have baby and give him formula as required throughout the evening. I would quite often wake up and take over at around midnight. Those 6 hours uninterrupted sleep were a god send.

Find something that works for you. And it does get better.

Yes it gets better. I had a c section too and felt like I'd been hit by a bus for several reasons when DS was born. The first few weeks were the ones I found the hardest and you need to find what works for you to get through it. Personally I lasted a week breastfeeding as I realised I needed to share the load with DH over night so we both got rest. As someone else said I went to bed at 8 and slept through to 1. Then I did the 2 feeds before morning. DH did a feed around 11 before then going to bed and sleeping until getting up for work. Getting a block of sleep even for 4 or 5 hours I felt human and able to function.

Its hard now but it wont be for ever look at the good bits and enjoy it as much as you can.

First 5 weeks breastfeeding my first was hellish. It did get a bit easier after that in the day because he was a good day napper but continued to wake 1-2 hourly at night to feed back to sleep for 10 months. I was a caffeine fuelled zombie. I had my second 10 months ago, vowed I would never conventionally breastfeed this time round and ive exclusively pumped from day one. It's been a million times easier, from day one she slept so much better than my first and I didn't feel like a dairy cow. Also stuck a dummy in her mouth as soon as she came out the womb because my son didn't take one and i ended up being the dummy😂

You're doing brilliantly! It feels like forever now, but the newborn stage will soon be over and things will start to settle a little more.

One thing that has helped me with both of mine has been my husband giving a bottle at bedtime (either expressed milk or formula). It gives me 10 mins to just relax in bed without a baby attached to me, but it also helps baby to sleep for a longer chunk of time at the beginning of the night, as she is so full of milk.

Mine have all been 3 hour at a time babies but I formula feed from birth. I agree with pp that it saved my sanity. I’ve never gone downstairs to make a bottle in the night either.

Dummies, swaddling and white noise helped too.

Just sending you all the solidarity and remembering how bloody awful this bit was for me too after an EMCS and having to give up on breastfeeding. I loved my baby but truly, truly hated my life in these early days. It felt like I'd made a dreadful mistake and was failing. Bollocks I was! It got better for me but not at a definitive moment I can point to.
They are 7 and 9 now and god, it's good fun.
Best bit of advice anyone gave me on a terrible non-sleeper was a friend with four under six who said "sometimes, you've just got to surrender to it". She was talking about all my obsessions with finding the winning formula of naps, swaddle, white noise, sleep pod, books, apps.I had a weird "special" pattern of how I rocked his pram and was convinced no nap would occur without it....

I’ve got an 8 month old and I was just like you, the lack of sleep was such a shock! (Also had a horrific pregnancy!)

It got better around 6 weeks I think, she wasn’t sleeping through and rarely does even now but I found there was a bit of a routine to her wakings so 11pm, 3am and then up at 7am and because she established her routine my body just adjusted and I got used to the sleep pattern.

I didn’t breastfeed until 6 weeks I just pumped as she wouldn’t latch (also saw an consultant) and I think that actually made nights a bit better as I could see when she had finished her bottle. So I was up just 10/15 minutes in the night, so a bottle then back to sleep. But pumping takes a lot of discipline and organisation. I just breastfeed her in the night now but she only feeds for a few minutes and then I can put her back to sleep.

Edited to add I also had a c section and my husband went back to work similar time to yours. I was so worried but I think it was a good point for him to go back as any longer and I think I may have found it harder building up my independence and my own routine.

It's so relentless and hard isn't it, you must be exhausted. Between 2-3 weeks was the most intense breastfeeding wise for me due to the cluster feeding. It was a bit better after then, and then 6 weeks was a real turning point. I think that's quite typical. Just keep doing what you're doing, always have a big bottle of water and some decent snacks to hand and just spend the next few weeks watching telly and skin to skin. Get out for a walk each day in the middle of the day if you can to get baby used to day v night. Being mobile will help with your section recovery too. Make sure you have a safe sleep setup in case cosleeping is something that would help. But most of all - know that you're doing brilliantly, it's bloody hard but normal, and it's temporary!!

Well it gets better in some ways but different challenges.
The first year was the most difficult. The constant crying/ feeding of the first few months got better but not the sleep.

It clearly did get better because we had another two years later.

The baby stage was not the best bit tbh. From age 2 onwards it got better each year including teenagers.

It gets better OP, you are doing an amazing job. In the meantime:

DH prepares you high fat high calorie breakfast every morning.
Allow yourself to just rest as much as possible. As long as you are both fed and nappies are being changed nothing else is that important. Rest is still valuable even if you don’t sleep.
Look into safe co-sleeping or at least a next to me crib. sleepsacks, white noise, blackout blinds.
Ask anyone you can for help, friends, family. Just an hour break can do the world of good.

It gets easier and you are not alone in finding it hard.

I exclusively breastfed and tbh the main thing that helped was cosleeping, if it's something you'd be comfortable with. I followed Lullaby Trust advice.

So much easier not having to get out of bed. DC would always wake up if I tried to get them in to their cot but stayed asleep if I just rolled them off the boob on to my mattress.

You are in the hardest slog of it at the moment and it will feel like it will never get better, but it will. I would say it takes about 6-8 weeks to really establish breastfeeding, you’ve done amazing to get this far so well done. After that point you will find that feeding is a lot easier and it won’t be so painful and relentless. Sleep wise, every baby is different. My third is 4 months old and she spent the first 10 weeks in my arms day and night and would not go in the crib. Now I’m happy to say she will feed and go straight back down again at night and we are getting better at naps in the day as well.
I have always introduced one bottle of formula every evening not necessarily to give me a break but to ensure baby will take a bottle if need be. For me, expressing would be an extra thing to find time for and I only ever got minimal amounts so formula works just fine. You could think about doing that in the evening at some point and let baby’s dad give it. Take that time to have a bath, sleep, cook or whatever you need just to feel like you again for short periods. It may help with your sanity.
Just be kind to yourself, it’s really early days and it’s your first baby. However you expect it to be, it’s always very different. Try not to have expectations and then you will find it easier to cope. And don’t compare babies as it will drive you insane! And if some days you really don’t enjoy motherhood, that’s ok too! We all feel like that at times, just not everyone is brave to say it out loud x

OP I remember those days so well (DS is now nearly 3). It is so, so hard but you’re doing brilliantly.

it gets better and better, don’t worry!! It feels like it lasts FOREVER when you’re in that stage but with hindsight it feels short. Sleep deprivation is just a total killer.

For me everything was good from 6 months (we night weaned, sleep trained and also fewer feeds during the day as he started taking solids). For the time before that, it just goes in phases. So you’re in a sh1t phase now but a good one will come unexpectedly when baby randomly sleeps 6 hours in a row and you’ll suddenly feel so much better. Our baby slept through the night when he was 3 months for a whole month! (Then all hell broke loose at 4 months when he started waking every hour ).

it’s a rollercoaster but just do whatever you can to get through. Sack off housework, just make sure you have a daily shower (even if in evening when DH back), grab a snack and drink before every feed, to give you energy, get out for a walk every day and use every nap time to just lie down and have a rest. You can do this!!!

before you know it you’ll be in my position, replying to other knackered mums of newborns, safe in the knowledge you’ll be getting a full night’s sleep every night.

It does get better, take one day at a time, don't set yourself tasks and goals that you'll feel frustrated at not completing. Sleep when baby sleeps. Have faith, it will pass.

Oh and forgot to say I had a breakdown around 8 weeks, telling DH I couldn’t do it anymore. The feeding and crying had become too much. The next day we had a lovely day out in the sun with friends where I sat feeding baby in the park while people handed me drinks and food and it was like a re-set. I felt so much better afterwards. Still lots of bad days after that, but at least I had been brought back from the brink.

co-sleep if you have to, add a bottle of formula if you have to, sleep train at 5/6 months if you want to. Whatever gets you through! And agree with taking all the help you can get - an hour to yourself makes all the difference.

If you want to continue breastfeeding I'd recommend looking into safe bed sharing-look up the 'Safe Sleep 7'. Bfing laying on your side in bed means you can sleep whilst baby feeds. Honestly it was a life saver, and much safer than the risk of falling asleep with baby in an unsafe place or position due to exhaustion.

Most babies especially at this age just want to be next to you and will not sleep in a cot or moses basket as its instinctively wrong for them. If that makes you too anxious perhaps investing in a next to me crib if you haven't already would help? My daughter settled really well for the first few weeks in one but I appreciate every baby is different.

If not I guess the option of bottle feeding could mean your partner could help?

It does get better honestly. Mine are 2 and 1 now and it’s so much easier to manage with some sleep.

What worked for me in the newborn phase was DH taking baby from when he came in from work until about 11. I would go to bed at 5-6 and sleep through until DH went to bed. It was rubbish literally being passing ships but short term it gave me enough unbroken sleep to function. You’ve got to get through it any way you can!

Yes it gets better, feed baby at 8 and place on daddy’s chest, get 3 hours while he holds baby. Gets the night off to a good start. The bf gets easier t about 4 weeks, then you will be glad you aren’t washing and sterilising every nap time. Have you got a next to me? I could feed without sitting up or opening my eyes after about 6 weeks, makes you feel like less of a broken night. Baby stirs, pull towards you, feed, roll them
back. Keep nappies and wipes in reach. Gro egg for light enough to function/fumble a change if needed.

oh bless you! it is hard! its bloody hard!.. i kept telling my daughter.. get to 3 months, just get to 3 months.. 12 weeks!

i know everyone says it, but sleep when baby sleeps, don't try to be the perfect mum or the perfect wife/partner. ask for help, and take help!

i does get better.. it really does and before you know it, they will be all grown up with babies of their own!

you're doing amazing

The days are long, the years are short. Repeat and repeat. It is brutal at the start, and you are right where the hormones wear off that were masking your sleep deprivation. They do find their schedule and regulate day from night at about 9-12 weeks (I think). I heard sticking to a strict night routine from day 1, feed, bath, swaddle, bed etc. helps when they do correct. Keep the nursery bright during the day, use an orange/red night light with white noise etc. Also try "le pause" when they get a little older and give them a second to see if they are connecting sleep cycles or genuinely hungry before jumping in. It does get much better, then a bit worse when they go through regressions, and then they are suddenly up and running and talking. It feels like an eternity at the time though. Congratulations on your bundle of joy (and exhaustion)!

6 weeks was when it got better for me, baby went to only waking once a night for a feed and at 9 weeks she started sleeping through the night. When I got the 5 hours of sleep in a block at 6 weeks is when I started feeling human again and around 10 weeks was when I stopped crying from stress. Baby is 14 weeks now and I'm absolutely loving it and want her to stop growing so fast! She's so wiggly I miss the still cuddly newborn. Babies newborn phase will be over before you know it hope you feel better soon.

Yes this.

Also I would just focus on you and the baby.
Dads job is you and then the baby. The house can sort itself.

Don't try and be all things. You are your babies whole world so they have to learn they can sleep, feed and be awake and mum will still be around somewhere.

It's unbelievably hard. Hang in there. 🩷

Breastfeeding to start off with is so challenging as you’re the only one who can feed, but it does get easier!
Have you swaddled, used a Moses basket, hot water bottle before baby goes down to warm it up and something that smells of you in the cot? I used a t shirt tucked in like a sheet
Have you got anyone who can look after baby in the day so you can have a nap?
Could you afford a cleaner so your home feels comfortable?
i would prioritise sleep and looking after yourself over everything, don’t worry about the housework etc
Also although DH can’t feed he can do the nappy changes, burping and resettling which would give you longer rest
It really is brutal but it does get easier!