Newborn exhaustion - pls tell me it gets better

[NewMumSleep]

First time mum, c section, baby is 18 days old. Everyone told me newborns sleep loads. Yeah, he does, just not at night and not in his crib and not for long. DH has been super helpful but he goes back to work on Monday and I'm just angry at him now. He could push to stay an extra week at home but he won't because his boss is a cunt.

Breastfeeding has been brutal, I had a private lactation consultant help me with my latch etc so that's all fine but fuck me, it's exhausting being the only source of milk. The cluster feeding is a killer, where are these newborns who sleep 3 hours at a time?

When did it get better for you? Surely it gets better otherwise no one would have a second???

I found pregnancy so so hard, I had so many side effects (from morning sickness that lasted 20 weeks, PGP (I was in crutches in the last few days), the cholestatis was an added surprise I had never even heard about). I was so looking forward to have the baby but now I'm so sleep deprived, I feel I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've dreamt of this baby for so many years and now I just feel so much pressure to love it and, while I love him to bits, I am finding I'm not cut out for this at all.

It got better for me when we cracked feeding lying side by side. I have a baby that still doesn't sleep longer than 2 hours at a time at almost 10 months old. For most it has gotten much better. For me, we cosleep. I can snooze while he feeds. I do trade offs with DH. He gets up at 6 and keeps baby until he leaves for work at 9 so I can get some more sleep.

C section recovered well, I still exclusively breastfeed (though he's on significant solids now!). We got into a routine and out and about quickly.

You're in the worst of it now.

I'm just listening to an audio book by Lucy Jones called Matrescence the part about post partum is all of the feelings, worth a listen when you have the energy

You're going through a huge shift, your brain is literally changing

Things will get easier with time, but they will never be like they were

Also, people compare toddlers to babies but there is no comparison

Sleep is better with toddlers, my 3.5yo wake once a night now, bit different to those early days I can tell you!!

She's more self sufficient but emotionally more trying

Pregnant with my second and feeling apprehensive about going in again 🙈 god help me

You will be ok OP, just roll with it, don't fight it, everything is temporary

This is so true

Feeding laying down and co sleeping changed my life

Agree so much with this

We didn't combi feed, it was something I considered though. It's not all or nothing, you can do both and make it work for you

It does get easier, or at least he will sleep for longer stints enabling you to. You’re doing an amazing job, your feelings are 100% natural and will feel more positive soon.

All babies are different, but these things helped us survive our twins during the newborn stage/after my c-section; dummies, love to sleep arms up swaddle suits, switching to formula/bottles, a really rigid feeding regime, prep machine in the bedroom (took sterilised bottles and measured out tubs of formula up with us).

No. Your toddlers slept better than your babies.
My babies slept far better than my toddlers.

Not all are alike.

Congratulations on your new baby x
With new babies, for some reason, Mother Nature expects you to be the most on the ball you’ve ever needed to be at your most sleep deprived. Oh, and just add in the mix the MAJOR surgery you’ve just had (!) so yes it’s soooo hard.
It won’t always be like this. Babies are born without their circadian rhythm’s so they have no idea when to sleep. I’m told your night time breast milk contains the melatonin which helps going forward to develop.
Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s ‘The Sleep Book’ was an absolute godsend to me. She firstly, acknowledges the brutality, then explains why babies have trouble doing the long stretches and then gives some great solutions to help going forward.
I found it helpful because, in some ways understanding it all made it easier to cope with. She encourages different habits at night time and is emphatic that it takes time for baby to adjust and eventually I saw an improvement.
(using a red night light at night time so as not to interfere with sleepiness, white noise etc)
One thing that helped me also was at 6 weeks, I expressed some milk and my husband helped with the night feeds. Even just doing one feed gave me a long enough rest (3/4 hours) to make me feel a bit human again.
Newborn tummies are tiny and quickly need refilling 🥴
I’ll be honest, with my 2nd, I spent the first few weeks in bed. Barely moved because I was in pain and knackered. She never slept in her Moses basket either.
Also, I would definitely recommend a cranial osteopath for a c section baby. Took my first to one and the guy was absolutely fascinating and it helped my son no end.
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself though and take each day as it comes. Eventually you will see the little wins. I remember my midwife coming round and seeing me at the end of my tether. 10 years later I can still remember her saying ‘it won’t always be like this’. It’s hard to see it at the time but it does get better xx

An unorthodox approach maybe...

1. Me and DH used to celebrate when we got through a night without throwing DS out of the window. "Morning love. How was the night?" "I didn't throw him out of the window." "Congratulations. My turn."

(Spoiler: I never actually thought I'd throw him out of the window. And if I did he'd have landed on a soft hedge. But it was a good way of recognising the extent of our sleep deprivation and love for him at the same time).

1. Formula. It isn't poison. Breast feeding is great, but not worth killing yourself for. In a way I was fortunate that I was in ICU for a while (baby fine, me not so much) so it was an easier decision. Formula or death. He didn't starve and is now a thriving 8 Yr old with excellent eating habits and good gut health. My midwife tried to tell me I'd feel like I failed if I gave him a bottle. Fuck her, she was so wrong.

1. Imagine you're 18 days after surviving a major car crash. Then evaluate how good a job you would be doing of all these things, and how much grace you would afford yourself. Not saying your lovely baby is like a car crash, but what your body and brain has been through is similar. Give it a break.

1. Know that no one finds this easy or gets it right. Anyone who tells you they do is lying. There's no such thing as right. In this phase, you do what it takes to survive. As a parent, you get to make the rules. It's scary but also liberating.

1. One day, I promise, your baby will be a little person telling you about their day and giggling at poo jokes and all the things you worried about in these days will seem trivial. You do get through it (because what's the alternative?), it gets massively easier, and you have a person to parent, not a baby.

Remember: you have already done a super human, miraculous thing, and made a WHOLE NEW PERSON. Give yourself a massive pat on the back and licence to do what ever the hell you need. Women are amazing.

Thanks everyone! I really appreciate every single reply. I met DH a bit later in life and this baby is so wanted, I really thought I was SO prepared and the reality of it is very different.

I already felt like a failure for hating pregnancy so much. It helps to know I'm not alone.

My baby hates swaddling (tried every swaddle and sleep sack on the market) and dummies (tried 4!) but maybe that will change, I'll try again in a week or two. I bought an elvie pump already but haven't tried it yet, I need to read up on how to use it if I still want to breastfeed.

Again, I appreciate every reply and I'll probably keep re-reading this in the coming weeks when I feel low.

@NewMumSleep it's so common, I'm such a steady and happy person and was shocked how depressed and catastrophising inwas when I finally had my much wanted ivf baby in my arms. A traumatic birth and emergency section didn't help but I cried buckets, felt like inwas going insane. The hormone let down is nuts, I was warned by friends but still wasn't prepared for the freight train hit me. My husband and I swore never again, ever ever, reinforced in that he's a bad sleeper still, but yet we are now starting to miss the baby stage and talk about another 😅

I found joining an app like peanut really helpful to chat to other mums currently at same stage while i was trapped in a hot dark bedroom with my unsettled newborn, and to be on WhatsApp alot chatting to friends and family about it all and other things as a distraction.

Swaddles increase risk of SIDS and suffocation. Especially after 1-2 months as they could roll for the first time without being able to roll back.

The safest way to sleep for breastfeeding babies is cuddled up in the crook of your arm, following safe bedsharing guidelines (away from pillows, duvets etc.). This is also the way babies tend to sleep the best, for the longest time. Makes sense as they are biologically programmed to be attached to us. Bonus is you can feed them without even opening your eyes, sleeping through cluster feeding is miraculous, and it’s just really lovely.

You are doing so well and are not alone. Agree that pregnancy is awful! Does not make you a failure! Just someone who doesn’t enjoy pain/tiredness/sickness/discomfort/hemorrhoids/indigestion etc etc.

I does get much better, honestly before you realise they’re down to 3 set naps a day, then 2, then 1 etc. It all depends on the baby how soon it all happens unfortunately - I remember being dumbfounded by people saying their newborns were sleeping through the night at just a few weeks old, mine took until he was a year old to do that 😅

I have to say though, pregnancy and the newborn stage (actually, all the way up until my DS was about 18 months) put me off ever wanting another one. I cannot imagine going through all of that again, it’s an absolute no from me 🥲 Not sure how anyone does it!

Same here. People say you forget (same with childbirth) but I absolutely have not and DS is almost 6!

I really wanted a second but similarly had a difficult birth (my uterus ruptured and I lost 4 litres of blood so had to be transfused then ended up in ICU with sepsis) so I had birth afterthoughts and then talked it through with the hospital and was assured of a planned c section at 37 weeks. I did end up having that and it was soo much better it completely helped with overcomjng the trauma and memories of the first birth. I also dreaded the new born stage as first child cried and projectile vomited incessantly...and then my second was so calm and slept like an angel!!!! (Terrible twos made up for that though!!)

I shared a bed with my newborn. Was breastfed tho.

When I fell asleep standing up at 4 months, we started cosleeping following all the safety advice we could. I was terrified to do it but he wouldn't sleep without me so it was c-curl, no pillows and tits out on demand that got me some rest.

As PP have said, everything is a phase. Do what you need to do (as safely as you can) to get some sleep.

Oh op you could have described me. I hated hated fucking hated the 0-2 year age. Did I mention how much I hated that age?

Sleep deprivation was brutal, I felt it destroyed a part of me that I will never get back. When people said "pop them in a sling, they are so portable, they nap all the time" I truly mentally pictured bashing their heads in because that's how much shit they spoke.

I had a colic, reflux baby. And then my second was the same. These types of babies don't sleep, they are high needs, and oh so difficult.

I am past that stage now and I literally can tear with joy that we have passed the small baby/toddler stage. The second time around we were able to hire a nanny, sleep trained as soon as we could, prepared as much as we could. I think the experience with my first traumatised us so much. Anyway, I think having some help might relieve you. I do know lots of my friends had the same experience as me too.

Oh and I also had a private lactation consultant did everything I could but gave up bf after a month. Absolutely saved my sanity.

Oh love, this sounds exactly like when my DS was a baby and I remember feeling very similar to you. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I promise it does get better. Realistically I think at about 8 weeks for us, but every baby and family is different. Sending love

I’ve not forgotten and my son is 20. I will never forget how miserable it was.

It will get better.

Pumping saved my sanity with the cluster feeding. My DS (who is now 3 and sleeps through the night in his own room beautifully) would clusterfeed from about 9pm till midnight or 1am. I usually go to bed early, while my DH goes to bed late. He tried his best to help me, but ultimately I was the one with the breasts. I'd be in tears from exhaustion, dehydrated and my blood sugar all over the place. I finally gave up, bought a pump and expressed some milk that my DH could give our DS in the late evening while I slept. I'd then usually get up just once to pump in the night (as that's more effective) and then once more in the early hours of the morning to breast feed. I still felt like my DS was exclusively breast fed as he only had my milk, but I also got some sleep.

Whatever turns out to work for you, I hope you find your solution. It does get better with time!

Just wanted to come back and post in case someone else searches for this topic (I know I did before starting the thread). We're at 6 weeks and just started talking about when to have a second baby 😂 so things have gotten significantly better. Breastfeeding isn't painful anymore, bub sleeps 2-3.5 hour stretches reliably (sometimes 4!!!) and it all seems a bit more doable. We have some family coming so will have extra help for a few weeks now.

Thanks everyone for your support, you really do need a village, in ways I hadn't expected.

Ah excellent this is good to hear! When you're in the thick of it it's so hard to imagine how things will change. We're still 1 child and done though!!

Thank you! Looking back, I should have either lined up a helper or a relative to come stay with us from the start. DH and I were so exhausted! We live abroad so we've had no one to pop in ever for an afternoon and I had not appreciated how relentless it would be.

And baby has just given me a huge smile which really helps 😃