Playdate parent has an issue with lower social class!

[Popcornlassie28]

My 7 year old has recently got quite friendly with another child in their class. The other child asked her Mum if they could have mine for a play date (at their house) and she didn’t seem overly thrilled but said yes and I’m yet to arrange this with the parent.

At a child’s birthday party (in their class) prior to them getting super close, I was chatting to the parents and this Mum was talking about her recent house move and saying it was because ‘She paid a lot of money for her previous home on a new estate and in the end was placed near social (council house) tenants’ and she went on to say how much she hates council house people and that she didn’t deserve to live near them so they moved.

I grew up from a council house background and found the comment quite off hand as I think it’s pretty small minded to judge someone on their possessions and financial status.

Anyways, I will have to stay with my child at the play date at their home and I know in turn I will be expected have them back at mine. My home isn’t fancy, it’s functional and cozy. I’m happy with it. I’m just worried she will judge us based on what we have. I would rather not have her in my home at all with her attitude, it’s not welcome. I don’t care if someone has a cardboard box, they are equal to me.

Am I being unreasonable to not want to arrange this play date? I just don’t want it to affect friendships but I really was not best pleased with her opinions and attitude.

Thanks!

I've lived in 3 new build houses on three different new build estates in the last 20 years - all with social housing on the estate or nearby.

Never had an issue.

Come across some snobs who think like this though.

I can't see the issue you don't know what went on with her neighbour's it's a fact some people who spend hundreds of thousands on a home don't want to leave near people who might not care for the property they are given.

I've seen brand new homes trashed by social housing tenants, parking nightmares and then not caring about neighbours in general.

I'd just say "sorry I am really busy, DC is welcome at mine but I can't spare an afternoon for a playdate at yours" and leave it at that

Always tricky - I'd be inclined to be a bit busy, encourage play dates with people you do get on with? Tbh, the mum has poor social skills to have made a brazen comment like that to someone she doesn't know.

I tend to think the majority of people would think twice about it in reality but would keep quiet in a conversation.

Just drop the child and leave. No need to stay at that age. If you have to, make up a last minute excuse to not stay.

People don’t think like this out of nowhere, or merely because they’re snobs.

”social renters experienced between double and ten times the national average household crimes depending on their area of residence, and specifically:

70% more household thefts
40% more criminal damage
50% more burglaries (including attempts)”

https://www.ntu.ac.uk/__data/assets/pdf_file/0028/480817/Should-you-accept-40-more-risk-in-social-housing.pdf

I live in a new build next to a council estate, never had a single problem. Made quite a few friends there with communal food shops during lockdown.

OP has this woman said why you need to stay? It sounds nuts.

I am never having another 'play date' again, my house got trashed and the poor dog was a wreck. So I don't blame the women for being concerned 🤣.

I've always taken the approach that my children need to learn to handle all sorts. Maximum exposure. I'd send her, stay with her if I needed or wanted to, come home and talk about any issues with my DD afterwards. They're 7, this isn't going to be a lifelong friendship in all likelihood.

I have said to my DS before words along the lines of "that's not the sort of environment we appreciate, children shouldn't be making comments on the size of your house and where you go on holiday. I think you'd prefer spending time with boys who talk about football rather than this sort of stuff, don't you?".

Presumably you would not be expected to stay. At 7 years old, this would be unusual.

She sounds like a ridiculous! Is she for real?

‘She paid a lot of money for her previous home on a new estate and in the end was placed near social (council house) tenants’

so did she have social housing? or buy somewhere?

She sounds like a fecking nightmare. Just say you can't stay with your child at hers but welcome to have them at yours and you don't need to stay. Or even arrange to take them out somewhere.

Same here.

Anecdotally, I frequently come into contact with two estates on a regular basis.

There's a "new" estate near my parents' place and it's riddled with issues even more so than the 50s council flats block down the road. Smashed windows, fly tipping furniture, rubbish etc. Teenage boys hanging around the street harassing passers by.

There's a new estate 2 minutes walk from my house and it's only been up 2(?) years and already the fences are damaged, trees and shrubs have been snapped and ripped up, rubbish dumped everywhere. It's depressing to walk past, can't imagine what it's like to live there.

I know, I know it's not everyone but it's enough to leave a negative impression. Also you don't know what she had experienced - must have been serious enough to want to move away.

Why not get your playdate offer in first (assuming you want to encourage the friendship)? And make it clear you don't expect Mrs Bucket to stay with her child. It's nice if you get on well with the parents of your DC's friends but not essential.

This

It’s a strange comment to say to someone she doesn’t know!
We lived next to a street of social housing and they were a nightmare, we had a very negative experience and when we moved house to a new build I checked on the plans where the social housing was going due to previous experiences. I wouldn’t assume everyone in social housing should be avoided though! Especially as plenty of people that own their own outright are absolute assholes!

I live on a "new build" estate that is a mixture of social housing, private renters and privately owned. I've lived here (in a social housing house) for 17 years, I've never been burgled, had anything stolen or any criminal damage to my property or on the estate. We live in a pretty bad area in Liverpool, the estate is like a little oasis in the middle of a ghetto. The only trouble we've had has come from private renters and it's been mainly noise.

You'd hate living next to me for not fitting into your stereotype then. We're dead quiet, we even have teenagers who aren't thugs! 😱

That's wonderful, we should clone your family and move them in to my parents' neighbourhood so that they can walk to the shops in peace

There are always people like this.

DS once had a friend who he was desperate to ask for a playdate. I'd met his mum who to put it politely seemed rather aloof. I asked her if her DS would like to come round after school sometime and was absolutely flabbergasted when she said "Sorry but we only allow him to have play dates with suitable families" Thankfully DS was not about to hear - he was far to busy running about with her son.

To be fair her first language was Russian so its possible that something was lost in translation but I was very glad when her son left to go to another school

Try not to give it a second thought. Just support the friendship and have her over with her kid. Be polite, make superficial conversation. You have nothing to hide. As the kids are close, maybe stay for the first playdate to get a feeling for whether you want to leave your DC with her in future.

I have to agree. This isn't about all social housing but the small minority that ruin it for everyone else.

Opposite is a man was a major druggie kingpin and moved in with a single mum and then the house became pickup and drop off for all kinds of shady characters. He stole our hire car one evening then returned it. Then stole it again and dumped it. (All recorded on camera). Then there were armed raids by police with all sorts of riot equipment.

Another house is so out of control with clutter piled up outside they had to have a fence erected in their front garden. The mum always had different unsavoury men arriving and leaving each day.

Obviously in addition to this there were lots of lovely families who didn't do anything wrong but I have to admit I was glad to move off the new build estate so this wasn't opposite my house anymore.

YADNBU

DON’T do anything you’re not comfortable with

One of my best friends at primary lived in a council house, a tiny place shared with two Alsation dogs, a chain-smoking mum, a dad who worked shifts and was frankly a bit scary, and 3 big brothers (well, two as one was in and out of prison and his gf’s house). You couldn’t sit down for mess and ashtrays and dog hair. My bff was adored by her whole family and I was treated like a china doll when I went round to play. I remember her mum screeching “stop scaring the girls, stop swearing you’re all too loud!”

I absolutely loved going there and I suspect they thought I was a stuck up little prig, but they were far too polite to do more than tease me.

Happy memories. Tough it out Op, it’s good for this sheltered child - she deserves a richly diverse group of friends.