To be so tired of the pressure to look 'good'.

[outofbattery]

I've recently come back from a trip to see my aunt. On the trip we an unexpected occasion to celebrate and so went out for a fancy dinner. After some mild bullying encouragement I borrowed some of her make up. I do not usually wear it. The day after she encouraged me to take some of the products I'd used home as 'they transformed my face and make me look wonderful'. I thanked her kindly, but said I wasn't looking for any transformations. I'm very happy with how I look and I don't want to cover up my skin. We spoke about how men don't (or commonly don't) feel like they need to hide the signs of aging and had a whole chat about patriarchy. I'm also really very lazy so just don't want to 😂

Fast forward to today and she's sent me the products in the post as she 'just can't stop thinking about how much younger I looked' and in case I change my mind she's sent them.

I'm not mad at my aunt, it's a generous gesture and I know her heart is in the right place. But arghhhhh that we live in a society whereby this 'younger looking flawless skin' is something I should be apparently striving for because I have a vulva.

If you like wearing make up...great, carry on, honestly very pro choice on how you choose to present your body. Just wish that there wasn't this general media and social pressure for people to pretend they don't have wrinkles, or spots, or redness, or bags under their eyes or anything else you may feel you should be covering up. Can only imagine what it'll be like in a few years when my hair goes grey and I choose to embrace that as well!!

It is frustrating. I got told by a friend I was "very brave" for going on a night out without makeup on, accompanied by the sympathetic head tilt. Not brave, just lazy, and actually, despite the fact I have never been good looking, I have actually grown to quite like my face as I've got older.

Each to their own I say. I don’t pretend to understand the no make-up wearers, lol, as I love make up and feel better wearing it. But I totally respect peoples choices.

I agree with you OP.

I really hate the obsession with looks and the way society regards aging almost as a crime. The pressure on women to always look young and unblemished would be ridiculous if it weren't so damaging.

I admire you for resolutely being you.

I understand your frustration, but also your aunt's excitement at thinking she had done something of a make over on you😆 I do wear makeup myself - mostly to cover my dark circles and I do feel psychologically better/more confident for putting on a 'mask' to face the day, albeit one that's not very different from my real face! Maybe if I was a man I'd grow a beard to hide behind instead. I don't use anti aging stuff and my hair is pure grey (and not cut into some sort of chic, neat style to compensate - ie it's a bit wild🤣)

I do think your aunt should have left well alone and, once she did talk you round though, just mentioned how nice you looked, rather than basically chasing you with products. I also think the general obsession with looking younger is sad and quite toxic.

I do wear make up, do my hair, make an effort with my clothes. I’ve found that on the days I don’t (my hair is wavy) people ask me if I’m ok. Or say “you look how I feel” and I think oh dear, my natural state must be subpar 🤣

But I don’t feel like a different person on either day. I love make up and how it changes my face, the colours etc. I love wearing slightly edgy clothes. Im told I look a bit like a famous woman that some people notoriously call ugly and some call beautiful. She’s always described as striking. So I’ve decided I cannot (and don’t want to) please anyone else, just me 🙂

My mum always comments on "how good!" I look whenever I've lost a bit of weight. Currently going through morning sickness (she doesn't know yet) and struggling to eat and keep things down and she keeps saying how great I look.

I don't feel great. I don't look great. I look thin. It's not the same.

It's not easy but we can step away from the pressure any time. Women are humans. Not ornaments.

I'm with you... I often get told I'd look so much better/younger if I made an effort and wore makeup/fashionable clothes... I'm clean and tidy, I don't like makeup and fashion doesn't suit me and isn't practical for me. Plus I'm out in all weathers and in mud etc, I doubt I'd be looking young and fashionable then, more like a melting clown who crawled out of a bog! I do admire those polished, well dressed women, but it is not me, so I don't even try.

By step away do you mean ignore it? If so yes you're right it's very much not easy. Because even though I choose not to act on the pressure it's most frustratingly still there. Even in kind hearted gestures from well meaning aunts!

YANBU for not wearing make up or using products you don’t like. Of course. I don’t either and I like seeing my own skin, which is not perfect at all. Everyone deserves to be comfortable, whatever their preferences.

YABU using the key specific phrase for protecting the right of women to make their own a choice on abortion though, (‘pro choice’) in a discussion about cosmetics.

I agree, the whole beauty industry and pressure to keep looking young all the time drives me mad. I wish we could change the narrative. I like looking older, getting older, it's a testament to the life I've lived and that I'm lucky to still be here living it. That's the message we need, not fillers and botox.

What I can't understand is why these people you talk about feel they have a right to comment on your looks. Saying "you look how I feel" is just down right rude to me.
Also people telling you that you look like some one famous? It just seems so overstepping normal behaviour. How does it come it in conversation even?

Yes quite! I was looking at my body in the mirror yesterday thinking how astounding it is. It's softer and rounder than it used to be but I'm proud of it. However once I put it in clothes I tend to be wondering if the cut is 'right', noticing that something feels tighter than last month or whatever. Mostly considering what others will see when they view me, because when I'm at home I'm perfectly content. Try not to let that change how I dress and what I wear anymore than the make up and greys thing, but the thoughts and feelings are there more with clothes .

Make up is also often full of horrible chemicals - I was reading on the BBC the other week that a woman thought her cancer was down to asbestos in her make up, face powder i think it was.

I hate wearing make up and am not interested in dying my hair either OP. When I was young I felt obliged to wear it but getting older is very freeing! I don't like the feel of it, I don't like they way it migrates (into my eyes), I don't want to be ingesting it (lipstick), and I think now it often just makes me look older than I am.

My Mum is a bit like this, I think it's partly a generational issue. My Mum's working life included working as an air hostess, where she was weighed before every shift and not being slim was totally unacceptable. It would have also been unacceptable not to wear make up. She was at work in the 70's and if you think about the culture then, I suppose it's not surprising that she can't detach from the importance of appearance. Unfortunately for my Mum, I have seen how difficult it has been for her to get old. She hates it in a way I suspect I might not (because I place less importance on my appearance than she did / does).

You say it’s “not easy” to step away from these pressures, and yet, you - and millions of others - do. And good for you. All power to you I say.

When I’m ill I don’t wear makeup so people I’m dying of TB and everyone is appropriately sympathetic.
Whereas actually I always look the same without makeup, ill or not. It’s just the comparison, not that we actually look subpar without it.

I like wearing makeup..I don’t wear much but what I wear makes me feel better and I love a bright lipstick in contrast to “the barely there” rest of my makeup.
I do dislike the pressure some women feel to adopt it. I really disliked the over contoured over filled and botoxed , false eyelashes look … seems to be less fashionable now ( at least where I live deep in the Southern Hemisphere!)

Make up generally just slides off my face and I don’t particularly want to use a setting spray product every day - I mean, what could that contain - adhesives, silicone, formaldehyde? So I generally only bother with lipstick and just wear facial makeup on rare special occasions.

I have never had any issues with my appearance (or attracting men!). However, I do admit that I am fortunate enough to have dark brows and lashes, so can see that it might be different for women who have paler features.

I do feel psychologically better/more confident for putting on a 'mask' to face the day

I think it's sad that you feel you need a mask to face the day.

Wearing make up (which I occasionally do because I feel like it) is fine but it's sad that many women wouldn't go out without it.

I've never met anyone that tells other people that they should wear makeup or judges those that don't.
I have met lots of people who judge women who do wear makeup and have strong opinions about it.
Your aunt is rude and a bit odd tbh. This would put me right off visiting her.

I really hate how much better I look with makeup

I do genuinely look about ten times better spending 3 minutes a day doing it

It's so fucking annoying that I've been conditioned to appreciate clearer skin, cheekbones and eyelids enhanced.

It always amazes me how people feel they have the right to comment on women's looks like this and to expect women to look a certain way (wear make up, wear specific type of clothes).

I stopped bothering about what people think a long time ago.

I dress and cut my hair in a way that fits my lifestyle and personality, not to fit with society's idea of what a woman should look like.

I no longer bother wearing make-up most of the time.

Instead I focus on my health, well-being and being happy and active.

I am always clean/tidy with clean clothes because those are the standards I set for myself.

Beyond that if people don't like what they see when they look at me, that is entirely their problem.

Yes, this is one of the reasons I don't wear make up.

I also think that dying your hair can't be great for you either.

Absolutely agree! Our society has been brainwashed by the cosmetics industry and people are so blind to it. Make up is actually ridiculous if you think about it.