To be so tired of the pressure to look 'good'.

[outofbattery]

I've recently come back from a trip to see my aunt. On the trip we an unexpected occasion to celebrate and so went out for a fancy dinner. After some mild bullying encouragement I borrowed some of her make up. I do not usually wear it. The day after she encouraged me to take some of the products I'd used home as 'they transformed my face and make me look wonderful'. I thanked her kindly, but said I wasn't looking for any transformations. I'm very happy with how I look and I don't want to cover up my skin. We spoke about how men don't (or commonly don't) feel like they need to hide the signs of aging and had a whole chat about patriarchy. I'm also really very lazy so just don't want to 😂

Fast forward to today and she's sent me the products in the post as she 'just can't stop thinking about how much younger I looked' and in case I change my mind she's sent them.

I'm not mad at my aunt, it's a generous gesture and I know her heart is in the right place. But arghhhhh that we live in a society whereby this 'younger looking flawless skin' is something I should be apparently striving for because I have a vulva.

If you like wearing make up...great, carry on, honestly very pro choice on how you choose to present your body. Just wish that there wasn't this general media and social pressure for people to pretend they don't have wrinkles, or spots, or redness, or bags under their eyes or anything else you may feel you should be covering up. Can only imagine what it'll be like in a few years when my hair goes grey and I choose to embrace that as well!!

I only wear makeup on 'special' occasions such as going to the theatre (where no-one can see you much anyway) or a posh restaurant.

I do think things have improved though. I can remember a song - it might have been an advert for something. The words were:

Keep young and beautiful,
It's your duty to be beautiful.
Keep young and beautiful
If you want to be loved.

Other people might remember it too, if they're elderly. I can't imagine that going down too well today!

Yuck. Who wrote that, Jimmy Saville?

It's only "pressure" if you give into it. Most women I know rarely or never wear make up - nobody judges us for it. (And if they do, so what?).
Just be yourself and do whatever you want.

I love a bit of make up as I look like death without it but agree it's absurd when you step back from it really

I don't wear make up or use any beauty or skin products and I have never ever felt pressure from anyone

No one is forced to do it and this 'but I feel pressure' only means you need to work on yourself if you don't want to do it then don't it is on you if you do

This is the song

i dont wear make-up at all its just not me.
I dont wear brands i wear what im comfy in.
I dont wear heels at all.

I see some women and they have a face full of paint its so thick and over done and there hair looks a mess.
I mean some just need to tie or clip their hair up they would look so much better than walking around looking like bears in lipstick.
The huge brow no one needs brows that big.

I'm a no make up person. I don't feel any pressure to wear any. I can admire the skill and artistry that goes into it for some people, I can see how it can change or enhance faces, but I feel zero need or pressure to do that myself.
My mum was a minimal makeup person, my elder sister is the same and my younger sister and I never wear makeup.
I do sometimes wonder how women afford it all. The regular costs must mount up enormously over the year.

It does sound like your aunt is trying her best to be helpful and not nasty in her actions, I suppose she's just like the millions of women who are conditioned to think they have to 'make an effort' (to look younger). I'd be inclined to respond with something like: 'thanks - as I said before, I am happy the way I am so you really didn't have to, but I'll hold on to just in case I feel I ever fancy trying it out again'.

I'm 49 and don't feel a pressure to look good, but I like to look good, in terms of my own definition of what that is, just for myself.

That doesn't mean caked in makeup or wearing smart clothes all the time, for me it means looking after myself - trying to get enough sleep, eat a balanced diet and take exercise and I get my nails and hair done.

I wear makeup if I feel like it but not regularly for work. I like clothes and style but my clothes and shoes are always comfortable and practical. I dyed my hair for years as I enjoyed experimenting but also thought I had far more grey hairs then I do - now I have hardly any grey hairs and my hair is in much better condition, really thick and shiny.

Find out what works for you and stick to it.

My 11 year old daughter was asked whether she is going to start wearing makeup by another parent. I felt really hurt as she has beautiful complexion as has my son. Neither need anything but she’s already being conditioned to think she does. I’ve never worn any and am in early menopause and my skin is still in good condition.

Well, my mother (now 79) never worked outside the home, and grew up in a poor, remote community, but she’s absolutely still imbibed the ‘law’ that ‘Thou Shalt Dress Flatteringly’ and ‘Make An Effort’ and ‘It is OK to Criticise Women Who Don’t ‘Make the Most of Themselves’.

She used to get incandescent with rage when Sinéad O’Connor came on tv because ‘She’d be lovely if she Made the Effort’ and because the only thing worse than tearing up a picture of the pope was tearing up a picture of the pope with a shaven head and Unflattering Clothes’…

Nell McCafferty (brilliant, fierce, and funny activist and journalist) used to get a different treatment. In her case, mum felt she should ‘at least dye her hair and wear lipstick’ to show some measure of an attempt to make up for not being pretty.

OP, it’s hard entirely to get away from gendered, prescriptive scripts about self-presentation even when you choose to not abide by them.

A friend of mine was once told by a junior colleague at a departmental Christmas party, that she was ‘very brave’ for not dyeing her greying hair, but she could ‘get away with it’ , and even, barely, the lack of makeup, because she was ‘so thin’ and exercised (so her body, apparently, compensated for the hair and face — if she’d been fat, she’d have had to ‘make more of an effort’).

I think this judgmental attitude is far uglier than someone looking like a ‘bear in lipstick’ (???). Totally fine that you don’t enjoy makeup, but putting down those who do is just infantile imo

I agree with you. I never wear makeup - I like my skin - but do dye my hair. Just not ready to "embrace the grey" (which can feel like a pressure in itself) yet and see no need to.

Most women look the same tho.
Its hard to say what i mean like the hair the make-up they all look the same all seem to have the same look.
But some women do over do it and some look rough.
No more judgmental than what others have to say on this website.

I've been mulling this over and thinking about a conversation I had with DP a couple of days ago. We were watching a few eighties videos and were interested at the number of men wearing full makeup. More than I remember. As usual the men were in control of things, because they weren't under societal pressure to wear makeup. They chose to do so for reasons of theatrical aesthetics or personal whimsy. I don't imagine Nick Rhodes from Duran Duran was stressed out about uneven skin tone or dark circles (like me) when he was slapping the foundation on! I'm not saying every woman who wears makeup feels compelled to do so, but there is a general attitude that wearing it is the norm and that all these other women who go rogue and choose not to, are being either lazy (letting themselves go - the horror) or otherwise rebellious/brave/non conformist.

I'm not into make-up, mostly due to being lazy and a bit clumsy with it. I have friends who use it really creatively (not just caking it on to fit a conventional look) and I admire them though.

To an extent it's natural to want to look "good" but I am sick of "good" only being equated with "thin" and "young" for women. Aging is natural, fighting against it is stupid and a woman can look great while still looking 45 or 55 or whatever. She can also look great even if she weighs a bit more than she did 20 years ago. Looking the best version of yourself means accepting your actual face and body for what they are.

The obsessive fixation we're meant to have on thinness and youthfulness is so tedious. I can't fathom being so preoccupied with either that I'd inject toxins and drugs with unpleasant side effects into myself, which is totally normalised on here.

And even once you acknowledge that wanting to look nice is natural, it's still so far from the most important thing about yourself. It really can fall by the wayside and that'll be OK.

Meh - do whatever you want. She feels she was doing you a good turn, you're annoyed by it - just chuck the make up if you don't want it, or save it for an occasion you might want a bit on.

My aunt is very keen on Botox and yoga and regularly suggests I'm ruining my life by doing neither.

@SeaGlasses Reminds me of a Viz letter, something like: 'If that Sinead O'Connor would grow her hair and put a nice dress on, she'd make someone a lovely wife...'. 😂

I lost 1.5 stone suddenly through illness - the praise/jealousy I got from some other women was insane, especially as I was underweight for my height and felt dreadful, weak and depressed... I would explain this, but it was seen as a worthwhile price to pay for the Holy Grail of Thinness... 😣

Yep, the times I've been complimented the most have been when

... I've been ill.

I am too lazy to do makeup. Started putting on makeup at 13 because I wanted to look older. Stopped at 30. Now at 45 I should probably wear it to look younger but I can't be bothered. Not interested a iota in fashion and looks, it bores me to death. I make an effort for a wedding etc but no way I would do that every day. My DH says I'm so beautiful I don't need it. And before you think I'm pretentious it's about the way he sees me not necessarily an objective fact:)

I quite like the ritual of wearing make up when I can be bothered (rarely) but it really doesn't agree with my skin and I always break out afterwards despite fastidious cleansing!
Usually I'm just clean and moisturised, which feels nice. I used to wear bright lipstick, but an acquaintance commented on someone else looking lazy for only wearing lipstick with nothing else (foundation etc), and I must admit it dented my confidence in doing so. I don't think people always think about the effect their words have!

The last paragraph is very much where I've been heading in the last 5 years. How I look is not the most important thing about me, yet for decades it's been the thing which is most commented on which could be perceived as being the most 'valued' aspect as it gets the most attention!

I dont wear any make-up because my skin will wont allow it i have so may allergys.
Im allergic to a lot of things that will blister my skin.
Im not lazy i just can't.
But i do have a lot of good creams.
Even to shampoo hair care body wash everything that comes in contact with my skin i have to becareful.
Or i will blister itch scratch for a week.
But you do make some good points.