To be so tired of the pressure to look 'good'.

[outofbattery]

I've recently come back from a trip to see my aunt. On the trip we an unexpected occasion to celebrate and so went out for a fancy dinner. After some mild bullying encouragement I borrowed some of her make up. I do not usually wear it. The day after she encouraged me to take some of the products I'd used home as 'they transformed my face and make me look wonderful'. I thanked her kindly, but said I wasn't looking for any transformations. I'm very happy with how I look and I don't want to cover up my skin. We spoke about how men don't (or commonly don't) feel like they need to hide the signs of aging and had a whole chat about patriarchy. I'm also really very lazy so just don't want to 😂

Fast forward to today and she's sent me the products in the post as she 'just can't stop thinking about how much younger I looked' and in case I change my mind she's sent them.

I'm not mad at my aunt, it's a generous gesture and I know her heart is in the right place. But arghhhhh that we live in a society whereby this 'younger looking flawless skin' is something I should be apparently striving for because I have a vulva.

If you like wearing make up...great, carry on, honestly very pro choice on how you choose to present your body. Just wish that there wasn't this general media and social pressure for people to pretend they don't have wrinkles, or spots, or redness, or bags under their eyes or anything else you may feel you should be covering up. Can only imagine what it'll be like in a few years when my hair goes grey and I choose to embrace that as well!!

I think it's rude of your aunt. It's not just the sending of the items you'd declined (being unable to take no for an answer), but the badgering beforehand, to which you gave in. You went to see your aunt and you were told your own face isn't good enough.

Totally agree! I only ever see it this way around, people who don't wear make up looking down at people who do.

Yes, exactly this, I only ever see it in this direction!

Is this because you wear makeup?

The whole make-up industry is telling women their faces aren't good enough and need to be covered in their products to look acceptable. Sadly, this attitude is commonly reflected by the women who do wear make-up. Even in the OP we have OP's aunt pressuring her to put the aunt's products on her face.

OP, there is nothing more enviable than a woman being so comfortable in her own skin, that she decides if, when and where to wear makeup!
After a lifetime of covering up my skin (historical bad skin caused by wrong products and advice) in my late 50’s I discovered facial care that worked for me.
The blemishes and blackheads disappeared over a period of 18 months, a scar treatment worked on some of the worst acne scars and suddenly I had the confidence to go makeup free - and - it’s the BEST feeling ever!
Anyone telling me to cover my complexion after my experience is likely to be on the receiving end of a very frosty reception!
I’m amazed at your forbearance TBH😁

It's rather pushy that your auntie sent you makeup when you said you didn't wear makeup.
If that's the main point of your post, then I agree.

However if it's about social pressure on doing makeup, then I don't agree. I don't think women do makeup to appear good for others. They do it to make themselves good. There's no social pressure. It's their choice.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/2018/03/10/wearing-much-makeup-harms-womans-leadership-chances/#:~:text=The%20findings%20are%20in%20contrast,look%20won%20out%20for%20trustworthiness.

This is interesting because it DOES take effort / bravery / rebelliousness as per PP to go against societal conditioning.

Studies like the one in the article have shown that employers / bosses perceive women who wear too much makeup as frivolous. (Maybe a class discrimination element, too?)

And yet - this goes contrary to research from Harvard 2016, that observed women who wear makeup were deemed more competent at their jobs & more likely to be promoted.

And other studies where male bosses said they wouldn't give a job to a female interviewee who didn't wear makeup.

One commentary said that this is an example of how femininity is both compulsory (enforced by social, legal & economic consequences) AND devalued because of misogyny.

I personally enjoy wearing makeup sometimes AND I also resent being valued predominantly for the way I look by society as a woman, because it's the least interesting thing about me.

https://www.sanfordheisler.com/blog/2017/03/gender-discrimination-because-makeup-doesn-t-gro/

Referred to here as the Makeup tax, re. expense, time taken etc.

If you have some degree of financial security & a social network that doesn't place a high value on appearances, it will be easier to be non-conformist & reject makeup, nails, heels etc.

I have been told in the past 'Oh, if I could just give you a makeover '. It uses to upset me because it made me feel like I look ugly as I am.
There is definitely too much pressure on women in every way.

I never wear make up, and couldn't give a shit what others may or may not think.
Why are you letting yourself be "mildly bullied" by her?!
Just ignore her and keep saying no thanks.
If she persists, say "gosh, your memory, I'm a bit worried - don't you remember me saying that I don't wear it?!" 😕😁
Sounds like she's got issues of her own, leave her to it

I would say simply 'I don't want a makeover' it is not hard

Some would say that women who don’t wear makeup look rough. It’s two sides of the same misogynistic coin.

The cosmetic/skincare industry does not care about making you look good, it only cares about making you feel insecure enough to spend money on fixing the "flaws" marketing people invented.

Your Aunt might be well intentioned but she is not respecting your choices. I would send the products back to her. I would not offer an explanation of any kind, you made your feelings clear, you shouldn't have to keep repeating yourself.

I think I do look better with some make up on but I have cut back on how much I wear and it’s quite sheer and more complimentary to my aging skin. I cringe at how bad my make up used to be. I don’t have the best skin so I am not confident to go without it completely at work but my adult daughter has never bought or worn any foundation or concealer and I love seeing her have the confidence to do that I do wish I did have it. I am probably wearing make up so no one asks me if I am ill and I feel pressured to look a certain way at work with clothes too.

I do care about my skin I didn’t look after it for a long time so I use various products to keep it hydrated and repair damage but I don’t spend very much on it. Looking after your skin I think is important and I wish I had when I was younger as I would be less likely to have clung to my full coverage foundation for as long as I did. I see girls now doing all these skincare routines with lots of chemicals I’m not sure so much is good for you either

I have never truely mastered make up. When I was a teen I wasn't in a crowd of friends who wore it (and most were male). I tried as a young professional but i hate having foundation or powder on. Eye make up irritates my eyes. And lipstick feels horrible. I gladly stopped when I was pregnant and just getting through the day was hard enough.

Now I live overseas where it is so hot and humid that hardly anyone wears makeup and its nice not to feel any pressure.

I did get positive comments when younger on the odd occasion I wore makeup. But I also learnt that when I was exhausted and feeling crap after a sleepless night (2 DC with SN), my posture and smile (or lack of) could create positive or negative comments just as much. If I projected happy smiley me full of energy then no makeup didnt matter. If I slumped then I got comments on looking exhausted.

Women often look like a parody of themselves. Men get to look like themselves but women don’t. Makes me angry and in my opinion it’s a huge sign of ongoing oppression.

So this is from 2013. Hopefully attitudes have changed some. They're unlikely to have changed to 0%, as it would be for men.

<a class="break-all" href="https://web.archive.org/web/20131021171713/www.telegraph.co.uk/women/10385501/Bosses-admit-they-would-discriminate-against-women-not-wearing-makeup.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">https://web.archive.org/web/20131021171713/www.telegraph.co.uk/women/10385501/Bosses-admit-they-would-discriminate-against-women-not-wearing-makeup.html

"More than two thirds of employers admit they would be less likely to employ a female job applicant if she did not wear makeup to the job interview."

"A similar proportion of company executives admitted they would discriminate against female staff who did not wear cosmetics on a regular basis, with almost 61% saying it would have a detrimental effect on the woman’s promotion prospects."

These are the ones who ADMITTED it. How many others have it affect their unconscious bias. But all men are free to bring their actual normal human face to work without fear of it affecting their business opportunities.

The survey was for a beauty brand and this short Telegraph write-up doesn't give how many responses they got. Hopefully it overstated the issue even for 2013. But in any case we know it got some responses saying they would discriminate against women for not wearing makeup.

I don't think it's makeup and it's more like the first impression and it applies to men as well. There's always bias and I think regardless of wearing makeup or not, if you have good skin, healthy looking skin, you'd give a good impression to other people. The same definitely applies to men.

I wear unmatching clothes, don't wear perfume, wear crocks, wear shorts with long socks pulled up, take 30 seconds to get ready. If out for a meal I wear either smart jeans and a shirt or blue trousers and a shirt. Occasionally my wife or daughter pulls me up and tells me "dad you can't wear that"
Loads less pressure us guys have, I've also got greying hair and a bit of a gut. Not bad but not judged.
Sorry for you lot.

That sort of comment is quite normal where I live and within the community - think East Enders. People might even say “big night last night, was it?” Or “looking a bit rough today Carol, everything alright?” It’s definitely not ok but it does happen to women across the board, either as blatantly as this or in other more subtle ways.

The celebrity lookalike thing I’ve thought about a lot and there are only a couple of friends who mention it and they also both ruminate on what celebrity they look like too. I think some are more prone to this than others.

In my social circle (including female relatives) many of the women don't wear make up. I honestly never even notice it, let alone think it's brave!! The only time I notice whether someone is or isn't wearing make up is if someone has very heavy make up on, like bright red lipstick and loads of blusher etc.
I work with two women who I see most days. I honestly couldn't tell you if they wear make up or not. I just don't notice or care.
I find these women who expect other women to wear heavy make up to be quite strange. It's like they're passing their own insecurities to others. I also think too much make up looks very dated.

I never wear any make up, I look exactly like myself.
Instead of getting angry that you don't look like yourself, just don't wear it?!

You say you're not mad at your aunt - but you should be. Never mind the "hearts in the right place" - in reality, she has been indoctrinated all her life that as a lady, you should look good, and if you don't then you are failing. The world has changed, You don't hold fast to the same beauty standards that she holds dear, and she wont listen.

If it were an uncle doing the same, everyone would be calling him out for being a misogynistic old gammon.

I hear you. While I enjoy makeup, I’ve had meaningful discussions with multiple women recently on how we feel problems are being created now, mainly for our friends to sell things. Products to smooth every stray toddler hair or stray new growth hair. Products for under the eyes. For the eyelashes. Teeth whitening and pigmentation lightening and hair smoothing and oh, I don’t know… every time I see a new one promoted I go “wait, I’m supposed to feel self-conscious about THIS now?”

Never have I ever felt compelled to purchase a specific product to slick down any tiny hairs on my hairline. Certainly not for $20. I have zero interest in making my eyelashes grow and great doubt as to whether an EIGHTY DOLLAR serum would help anyways. But, it’s usually presented as of COURSE any self-respecting girl would TOTALLY worry about that so here’s the solution (and a code to shop the link).

It gets wearying. So here’s a vote in solidarity.

I don't think its about being sad, I think its more about confidence in yourself, whatever works! I always feel better with a "face" on

Who is doing the oppressing?

I have never worn makeup and I have never felt any pressure to do so.