Page 4 | To be so tired of the pressure to look 'good'.

outofbattery · 2024-09-12T08:14:26+00:00

I've recently come back from a trip to see my aunt. On the trip we an unexpected occasion to celebrate and so went out for a fancy dinner. After some --mild bullying-- encouragement I borrowed some of her make up. I do not usually wear it. The day after she encouraged me to take some of the products I'd used home as 'they transformed my face and make me look wonderful'. I thanked her kindly, but said I wasn't looking for any transformations. I'm very happy with how I look and I don't want to cover up my skin. We spoke about how men don't (or commonly don't) feel like they need to hide the signs of aging and had a whole chat about patriarchy. I'm also really very lazy so just don't want to 😂 Fast forward to today and she's sent me the products in the post as she 'just can't stop thinking about how much younger I looked' and in case I change my mind she's sent them. I'm not mad at my aunt, it's a generous gesture and I know her heart is in the right place. But arghhhhh that we live in a society whereby this 'younger looking flawless skin' is something I should be apparently striving for because I have a vulva. If you like wearing make up...great, carry on, honestly very pro choice on how you choose to present your body. Just wish that there wasn't this general media and social pressure for people to pretend they don't have wrinkles, or spots, or redness, or bags under their eyes or anything else you may feel you ^should ^be covering up. ^ ^Can only imagine what it'll be like in a few years when my hair goes grey and I choose to embrace that as well!!

theundersea · 12/09/2024 14:19

Helloworld56 · 12/09/2024 10:24

This is the song

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It's originally a song from a 1933 film called Roman Scandals.

SisterAgatha · 12/09/2024 14:30

SallyWD · 12/09/2024 12:53

In my social circle (including female relatives) many of the women don't wear make up. I honestly never even notice it, let alone think it's brave!! The only time I notice whether someone is or isn't wearing make up is if someone has very heavy make up on, like bright red lipstick and loads of blusher etc.
I work with two women who I see most days. I honestly couldn't tell you if they wear make up or not. I just don't notice or care.
I find these women who expect other women to wear heavy make up to be quite strange. It's like they're passing their own insecurities to others. I also think too much make up looks very dated.

Sorry but I don’t wear make up because I feel insecure anymore than you don’t wear it because you feel secure. Everyone has their own level of security and self esteem and it has very little to do with the colour I choose to paint my lips that day. You come across very judgemental here seeing as you dont notice or care but seem to notice enough that it looks dated and care that it reveals insecurities. Women are free to do or not do as they choose.

MagpiePi · 12/09/2024 14:49

I somehow don't have the ability to see a full face of make up and think it makes someone look more attractive or well or whatever. It is hard to explain, but to me it is like seeing a wooden chair next to a wooden chair that is painted. Neither is better or has more value in my opinion; one just has a layer of paint on it.

SallyWD · 12/09/2024 14:54

SisterAgatha · 12/09/2024 14:30

Sorry but I don’t wear make up because I feel insecure anymore than you don’t wear it because you feel secure. Everyone has their own level of security and self esteem and it has very little to do with the colour I choose to paint my lips that day. You come across very judgemental here seeing as you dont notice or care but seem to notice enough that it looks dated and care that it reveals insecurities. Women are free to do or not do as they choose.

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Sorry I didn't mean to sound judgemental. Of course women can do as they please. I don't mean that women who wear make up are insecure. I just meant that if a woman is saying to another woman "Oh God, you're so brave going out without make up" it's more about her than the other woman. She feels she can't go out without make up so she's projecting that onto the other woman.

Puckeredseams77777 · 12/09/2024 14:55

I used to enjoy it but now I am sixty I really can’t tolerate the feel of it on my face. Nor can I bear the feel of fake tan or the smell of hair dye. Reckon my liver must be packing up that I suddenly have all of these intolerances. 😀 Can’t drink either!

Sartre · 12/09/2024 15:08

Never been massively into make up and I’m pretty useless at applying it. I used to wear tinted moisturiser until I realised it was making me look older, now I don’t bother. Honestly think it makes a lot of people look far older rather than younger, especially when it’s very heavy make up.

EmeraldRoulette · 12/09/2024 15:16

@outofbattery this might not be what you mean…is it the fact that this pressure even exists that bugs you?

yes I can ignore pressure but the fact that it’s there and getting worse is so annoying.

If a family member did this to me I’d be furious, I think you’ve been incredibly kind there.

autumnbake · 12/09/2024 15:48

YANBU!!

My mum is very much a glamour puss. Loves makeup, nails, getting lashes done,fake tan, latest clothes, always dying her hair. I naturally grew up and thought I needed to wear lots of makeup too from around the age of 15, and fake tan my naturally pale skin.

Now i'm pregnant (with a girl), i've realised how ridiculous it all is at 31. I don't want my daughter growing up caking her skin in layers makeup, using awful chemicals from beauty products for years on end, I want her to be comfortable in her own skin, and her own beauty. I want to model/reflect that as she grows up and looks towards what i'm doing.

I've stopped wearing make up, minus a bit of concealer for my acne, and it feels so freeing. I hate the way makeup feels. I can't believe my mum ever encouraged it really, when I so obviously did not need it. I've also embraced my pale skin the past couple of years and honestly love it now.

Women can obviously do as they please, present themselves how they choose, but family members shouldn't be encouraging the continuous pressure of the beauty industry to 'look young/good/beautiful' on other female family members no matter how old they are.

bazoom · 12/09/2024 16:02

JoanCollected · 12/09/2024 12:32

Women often look like a parody of themselves. Men get to look like themselves but women don’t. Makes me angry and in my opinion it’s a huge sign of ongoing oppression.

This is actually bs, just stop wearing it. Women choose to wear it to hide their blemishes and try to be prettier than the next woman. Men do not demand it, beauty is only skin deep and all men know this.

minipie · 12/09/2024 16:22

I wear makeup every day and have done for 30 years. The irony is that I’m very much a low effort, casual kind of person and would by character be make up free. However I’ve had acne for 30 years and I’m not comfortable with showing that off (unlike ageing which doesn’t bother me). Maybe I should be more ok with it but the mental scars from teenage acne run deep.

TBH I think some of the comments from non make up wearers on this thread are as judgmental as the comments from makeup wearers that the OP is complaining about. All this “caked in” etc. I don’t like the pressure on appearance but I also don’t want to be made to feel shallow or try-hard or overdone just because I wear some makeup.

acupofteamakeseverythingbetter · 12/09/2024 16:32

I always get comments on how tired I look when I don't wear makeup 🙄 I have dark circles genetically and so do "look tired" but I don't need to be remind of the fact when I decide to go make up free. But those comments cement that fact that I need to wear make up to look better to others. I once got asked when I was younger if I'd been in a fight!

YogaForDummies · 12/09/2024 17:05

It is awful how ageing is seen as so undesirable. Do you know what's even less desirable than growing old and wrinkly? Dying from cervical cancer in your 20s or breast cancer in your 30s. Being killed in a car accident as a teenager because your boyfriend was driving recklessly. Being killed by your partner at any age because he was jealous/possessive of you. Statistically this is how many women in our society die prematurely and I promise you it is a LOT more ugly than a few fine lines.

Thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2024 17:16

I personally like make up and wear it most days and it does make me feel more confident.

But I wouldn’t presume to pressure someone else to wear it and bang on to them about it when they had expressed that they were not interested.

I dislike it when anyone gives me unsolicited advice about any aspect of my appearance though.

Partylikeits1985 · 12/09/2024 17:18

Your aunt's just being a busy body. Post them back.

FinallyHere · 12/09/2024 19:34

My DM totally internalised the message that women really did have some responsibility to 'look good'. She encouraged me to adopt these values and, of course, I rebelled.

Focused on a back office role jn IT, where good staff are in short supply and literally no one cares what you look like.

DM had fewer choices, in the early 1950's, had to stop working when she announced her engagement. Her standard of living was entirely dependent on DF. They did pretty well together though always stuck to their traditional roles. We have so many more options nowadays.

I'm sorry that so many esp young women still think they have to "maintain standards" by wearing makeup. My young and very beautiful manager whose skin really is exceptionally lovely even talks about looking dreadful and needing to wear makeup to avoid disgusting other people. So sad.

And yet, and yet, I've recently lost a lot of weight and have more fun buying and wearing clothes whose colour and style are flattering. I'm constantly amazed by how much more friendly people are to me now.

Perfect strangers and people I've known for years: I've always been friendly and smiley, I get so much more back since looking more 'attractive'. Pah. The people I care about are those who showed their love for me however I look.

The rest of the world is sadly very different.

Women don't owe you pretty

Original poster

outofbattery · 13/09/2024 08:57

EmeraldRoulette · 12/09/2024 15:16

@outofbattery this might not be what you mean…is it the fact that this pressure even exists that bugs you?

yes I can ignore pressure but the fact that it’s there and getting worse is so annoying.

If a family member did this to me I’d be furious, I think you’ve been incredibly kind there.

Yeah basically that it exists at all.

I think I'd have been angry with some people but it's hard with my aunt as she's just an adorable kind soul. Be like getting angry with a puppy!

OP posts:

Disturbia81 · 13/09/2024 09:26

FinallyHere · 12/09/2024 19:34

My DM totally internalised the message that women really did have some responsibility to 'look good'. She encouraged me to adopt these values and, of course, I rebelled.

Focused on a back office role jn IT, where good staff are in short supply and literally no one cares what you look like.

DM had fewer choices, in the early 1950's, had to stop working when she announced her engagement. Her standard of living was entirely dependent on DF. They did pretty well together though always stuck to their traditional roles. We have so many more options nowadays.

I'm sorry that so many esp young women still think they have to "maintain standards" by wearing makeup. My young and very beautiful manager whose skin really is exceptionally lovely even talks about looking dreadful and needing to wear makeup to avoid disgusting other people. So sad.

And yet, and yet, I've recently lost a lot of weight and have more fun buying and wearing clothes whose colour and style are flattering. I'm constantly amazed by how much more friendly people are to me now.

Perfect strangers and people I've known for years: I've always been friendly and smiley, I get so much more back since looking more 'attractive'. Pah. The people I care about are those who showed their love for me however I look.

The rest of the world is sadly very different.

Women don't owe you pretty

Yes it's amazing how differently people respond, and surprisingly it's equally men and women. How can I as a human being be treated differently with something as little as makeup and different clothes?
I wear makeup every day just because I love it for myself, but a side benefit is I get treated well. It's not right

DappledThings · 13/09/2024 09:30

outofbattery · 12/09/2024 09:42

By step away do you mean ignore it? If so yes you're right it's very much not easy. Because even though I choose not to act on the pressure it's most frustratingly still there. Even in kind hearted gestures from well meaning aunts!

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Who else is pressuring you? I haven't worn make-up for at least 10 years. Nobody's ever commented on it or made me feel I should. Your aunt sounds well-meaning but ignorable.

Lourdes12 · 13/09/2024 09:53

I think a lot of the time make up makes you look older. Look at photos of celebrities on google with make up and without make up, you'll see

boating32 · 13/09/2024 10:04

I get this. My Mum is always trying to pretty me up. Literally goes out and buys clothes for me. I don't feel comfortable in Lloyd of make-up and overly feminine clothes. I don't mind a bit of mascara and blusher on occasion though. Other people love it and that's great. Live and let live I say.

Original poster

outofbattery · 13/09/2024 13:26

FinallyHere · 12/09/2024 19:34

My DM totally internalised the message that women really did have some responsibility to 'look good'. She encouraged me to adopt these values and, of course, I rebelled.

Focused on a back office role jn IT, where good staff are in short supply and literally no one cares what you look like.

DM had fewer choices, in the early 1950's, had to stop working when she announced her engagement. Her standard of living was entirely dependent on DF. They did pretty well together though always stuck to their traditional roles. We have so many more options nowadays.

I'm sorry that so many esp young women still think they have to "maintain standards" by wearing makeup. My young and very beautiful manager whose skin really is exceptionally lovely even talks about looking dreadful and needing to wear makeup to avoid disgusting other people. So sad.

And yet, and yet, I've recently lost a lot of weight and have more fun buying and wearing clothes whose colour and style are flattering. I'm constantly amazed by how much more friendly people are to me now.

Perfect strangers and people I've known for years: I've always been friendly and smiley, I get so much more back since looking more 'attractive'. Pah. The people I care about are those who showed their love for me however I look.

The rest of the world is sadly very different.

Women don't owe you pretty

Yes this is all sadly far too true!!

OP posts:

MzPixie · 13/09/2024 18:53

I rarely wear it I like makeup but I'm to lazy to do it daily lol