Feeling guilty for what DC eats. Normal mum or lazy mum?

[Violetangels]

Am I a lazy mum. I feel bad. Friend chatting about all the amazing things she cooks and bakes her toddler.

DC is 1 and 1/2. He’s very fussy with textures and has been since weaning. We also had lots of issues with breastfeeding, although managed to sort them but took months.

I work and so does DH. We have a lot of travelling and leave the house at 6:30am, both get home at around 6:30pm.

During the week DC will have cooked dinner at nursery / grandparents, but at home for tea I usually just do him something quick as he goes to bed at 7:30. Tonight was a cheese sandwich, them baby crisps you can buy and a banana. He then has a bottle at 7pm.

He refuses all foods like soup, spag bowl, pasta dishes. We’ve tried constantly from 6months old. No matter what home cooked meal I make, he struggles with a lot of textures and they can upset him. I offer them often to ensure he has exposer, but most of the time he will only eat dry / crispy things. This is what he ate Saturday:

Wheetabix with mashed fruit. Blueberry and kiwi or banana usually.
Snack fruit / yogurt
Lunch Cheese sandwich, chicken bites, no salt crisps and fruit
snack something like a baby biscotti
dinner fish cake, broccoli and potatos. A Heinz baby custard for pudding.

Other than the fruit/veg everything else he eats is pre packaged, he never eats any food that I make from scratch.
Friend made a comment about me should start making more of his foods and now I feel awful this evening.

You sound like you’re doing what you need to do to get him to eat as much healthy food as you can while making sure he’s getting enough food and trying not to cause any more issues around food. Not all children are the same and you are doing a great job with the hand you’ve been dealt in this situation. Your friend sounds like she’s a judgmental nob.

Their appetites get a lot smaller at this age.

Be careful you aren't giving big portions of easy palatable carbs with familiar textures (like weetabix) or lots of milk/yoghurt/other dairy, or he won't get hungry enough to enjoy trying new things. Remember you often need to offer new things 15+ times before they are accepted so offer something new/healthy with every meal.

Deconstruct family favourites.

instead of spaghetti bolognese, offer pasta pieces he can easily pick up, small homemade meatballs made with beef/pork mince, with carrot & celery batons and a homemade tomato sauce that he can dip things into.

For a curry, instead of a mixed sauce, offer plain rice, with tikka flavoured chicken chunks on the side, and a dipping pot of smooth/mild curry sauce (homemade - jars & sachets will be packed with sugar & salt) - my kids liked almondy/coconut ones like korma.

Do roast dinners as these work well for serving "separates" without sauce - roast pork, roast potatoez/parsnips, carrots/broccoli/peas all steamed, offer some apple sauce on the side or gravy in a pot.

I think it's bad but i wouldn't call you lazy. You admit you're struggling, trying to improve the situation and busy with work.

I only every used those prepackaged snacks in out and about emergencies. Mine would get 3 a month maybe. I think they're junky and processed, even the minimal ingredient ones aren't exactly fresh. Neither of my kids had crisps, custard etc. at 18 months It's not needed empty calories. I actually consider nursery food the junk easy days so made sure every other day was proper homemade food especially when so young.

Why's he still on a bottles? He's over 1. Perhaps he's not eating as he is able to fill up on milk? I'd try batch cooking snacks at the weekend- lots freeze well
You can make crunchy/ drier ones very easily.

Also if he "chicken bites" then he'll eat chicken? It's the same texture inside. If he eats custard, then blitz soups to the same texture. You don't have a texture issue- he ate a full range of textures today. From custard, to squishy bread, crunchy crisps, mushy fruit, soft biscuits, potato, fish cake, brocoli- these are all very varied textures.

Do you sit with him and eat the same food at the same time? Make meal times a happy family time.

When is she meant to find the time to do this? Making a curry sauce dipping pot and coating chicken tikka chunks

Also are you eating meals with him? What are you eating?

Its better you eat with him and have the same food, don't make "toddler food", let him choose from the family meal on offer and make sure he's seeing you choose and enjoy lots of fresh, home cooked foods rather that processed packaged food. Packaged foods have an unnatural uniformity to them thats appealing to toddlers, its what makes them safe and familiar. You need him to see eating normal less uniform food and understanding its still familiar/safe/ tasty if its slightly crispier today, or the meatballs are a bit wonky, or it has a different sauce with it.

DH and i both work & i have two kids and i managed by batch cooking. Its easy to roll mince into meat balls & freeze. Its also easy to mix up a huge jar of curry spice then all you need to do is add a spoon in some yoghurt and mix it into diced chicken & throw it in the air fryer. I make curry sauces in a big batch and freeze in large cube trays.

Then you are doing great!

Take the pressure off yourself OP….he’s eating. Lots of kids that age are hugely fussy.

Be kind to yourself. This parenting stuff is hard and there’s always something to worry about!

He has very long days in childcare. Could you consider one if you starting earlier and finishing earlier, and one going later and and getting home later, to shorten his day?
12 hours 5 days a week is very long for an 18m old and it won't help if he never eats a meal with mum and dad or isn't clear who his trusted primary caregiver is.

Neither of my kids had crisps, custard etc. at 18 months It's not needed empty calories.

This is rubbish re custard. proper custard made with egg and cream and not too much sugar is nutritious for young children who need fats. If you make it at home it really does not need to be wildly sweet.

You do what you have to. My youngest son went through a phase where all he would eat was blueberries. Then a couple years later he had a phase where all he would eat is Rice. He did end up being diagnosed with Autism and stayed very picky about food until his late teens (btw I'm not saying that I think your son is autistic). We do what we have to when we have a kid who would rather starve then eat something that is not on their "list" of foods they like. Oh and he is now 21 works in a restaurant and tries all kinds of new foods. Dont let your "friend" make you feel bad

Also food should be fun. If custard is fun then so be it

This is rubbish re custard. proper custard made with egg and cream and not too much sugar is nutritious for young children who need fats. If you make it at home it really does not need to be wildly sweet.
He gets Heinz baby custard. Not home made proper custard.

Nothing wrong with that

An odd packaged treat isn't the end of the world if its part of a diet of mainly fresh healthy foods. The heinz custard is an issue when all the food is processed/packaged.

I wouldn't pay too much mind to your friend and Mumsnet experts who don't have experience with kids with sensory issues etc. My kids were raised on exactly the same baby led weaning, eating at the table with parents, a little of everything on their plate to try etc etc. basically everything they tell you to do. Both neurotypical. One is a great eater and will try everything like their Dad, one is a fussy little so and so like I was at the same age and really reluctant to eat anything that isn't a set selection of foods. You know your child, you've worked with the health visitors. I think fed is best probably applies far beyond the breastfeeding/bottle debate age if you have a child who would genuinely become malnourished or might become even more resistant if you forced the issue.

I have read through my posts and can’t see where I put he still has a baby bottle in any of them, he has a straw cup and has cows milk twice a day, only 4/5oz a time. A few people have commented about him being on bottles but I am sure I didn’t write this, maybe I did am I’m blind but he has a straw sippy cup

Both mine are.pretty fussy, they only eat plain pasta, no sauce. At one point my eldest was living on pasta and cucumber 😅 They aren't big on veg but I always do tomatoes, carrot sticks, cucumber and pepper with their dinners.

Sounds totally fine to me and for someone with sensory/texture issues that seems a great range of food. I would be delighted if my DC ate that much different stuff. It is exhausting when they have those issues and everyone else has an opinion about what you feed them but we have had advice from experts that the most important thing is calories in. You can work on food chaining which is gradually trying to expand textures and tastes based on what they already like. Definitely don't stress about it though maybe see if you can get any help from health visitor/occupational therapist for sensory issues

It is in your original post that he has a bottle at 7pm.

I think that sounds fine!!!. It's got fruit and veg in there. Honestly, I think people often hold others to much more ideal standards than they realistically achieve themselves. It would be easy to pick holes in it, according to ideal nutrition standards, but the reality is he's eating a variety of foods and it includes fruit and veg. Sometimes we just have to be good enough.

Thank you so much for everyone’s replies. I am taking a lot on board and will try the deconstructed meal idea. So basically I am part time but I have been doing 5 day weeks for the last couple of months and until end of October, then back to 3 day weeks. So will be able to go back to trying to make him foods. Honestly, I have tried a lot of foods over 50-100 times and he still won’t try them / gets upset at texture or feel.

He is really good with his cutlery and eats food himself, we have had sensory issues there which we are working on and honestly I think I should just be happy he eats a varied diet. I can’t imagine how stressful it would be if he only ate a few foods like some commenters have said.

again, thanks for all the advice x

Oh yeah I see, he has a tum tum straw cup for that

Thank you, my friends child will eat ANYTHING. Anything he can find he puts in his mouth. My son, completely different. She can be a bit funny or make a bit of a competition with it “oh my DC eats all the home cooked food I make, why don’t you try this (food that my son won’t touch or even look at)

Different kids need different parenting and your LO needs you to work with the sensory issues he’s barely able to articulate, not serving up home made shepherds pie with a side of peas and smug self-satisfaction.

You’ve found a range of foods your LO will eat and he’s getting fruit and vegetables. Sounds like you’re doing a good job and as long as he’s healthy you don’t need to change a thing.

One of my siblings survived on Rice Krispies and tomato ketchup sandwiches for most of our
childhood 😂🤷‍♀️

I think that's an ok mix of foods. You could cut out the biscuit crisps and custard I guess but as a proportion of his diet it's not excessive processed stuff. If he's under average weight I would leave it in. Plenty of fruit and protein. Will he eat eggs?