To not want to be the sole earner in the family?

[DottyLS]

Dh lost his job two months ago. It was a professional job but not high flying. He turned 58 soon after. He's applied for some jobs but his job search has not exactly been full on. I earn enough that together with using some of our savings we could probably keep going quite a while with no loss of living standards. Aibu though to not want that? He's not really doing that much around the house either, and I'm just not prepared to live like this - him taking it easy while I work and still do a good proportion of the housework. Added difficulty is that he thinks he's doing at keast 50 %!

At 58, and if you're around the same, then you need to be hanging on to your savings for retirement.

If you're really not prepared to live this way then you have to tell him to shape up or ship out. It sounds like he is quite happy to let you carry everything, including him. Do you want to do that for 20 or more years?

Incredibly cheeky of him to not even taken on the housework and chores. You should be coming home to an immaculate house and dinner cooked

The least he could do is to do ALL the house work while you are working outside. I'm a sahm and I see it as my job to clean/laundry/cooking as well as taking care of two DC school age (one SEN) doing all school runs and homework etc.
If your demands on housework increases maybe so will his efforts in trying to find a job:)

YANBU, he should be doing all the housework and cooking at least.

Presumably he can't afford to retire yet?

Nowhere near enough to retire

Was he the main earner through the rest of your marriage? If so it's a bit cheeky of you OP to decide now the shoe is on the other foot that you don't like it if he's had to do it for years (taking the housework out of the equation). But you should set out boundaries and be clear to him what is expected of him housework wise - for a bloke in his late 50s to suddenly have to start keeping house he probably doesn't know where to start

I wonder how many men don’t want to be the main earner but people accept it as being ok?

Usually when women aren't working it's because they are looking after kids, and they usually do all the housework as well.

Presumably at 58 years old he isn't looking after young kids, and OP says he's not doing housework either.

My husband got made redundant at a slightly older age. He spent 12 weeks doing DiY and being generally useful to us, plus job hunting. He then started in a new job. I would not want to be the sole earner, at least until he retires. That was even given that he did a huge amount that was really helpful. I don't want to be the one with all the burden.

Has your husband signed on for help with looking for work. Is he even remotely trying to get a job?

But the OP is the sole earner now, not the main earner.

I wouldn’t like this either, especially so close to retirement when you don’t want to burn through savings. Honestly, I’d expect him to find something, even if it was part time.

Yanbu. I'd expect him to be doing nearly all the housework.andnl cooking and also getting on with DIY etc in the meantime.

Good idea. In fact I'd stop doing anything for him. No laundry, no cooking...just look after yourself. Don't clean the house or do the washing up....leave it and when you come home to it, look puzzled and ask why he couldn't manage it?

YANBU. I hope you find a solution, because being sole earner is stressful even when it's by mutual consent, as it was for me when the DC were younger and the nature of my job meant that the most practical arrangement was for DH to be a SAHP. It's going to put a terrible strain on you and on your marriage if you're forced into that position, especially if your DH isn't pulling his weight at home.

The difference is that when men are at home all the time, they're almost always bone idle fuckers who don't lift a finger in the house. They get in the way, they don't stop chatting shit (when you're there trying to do what they couldn't be fucked to do when you were out,) and they generally dominate everything with their big booming voice and MAN presence. Everyone has to know he's there, he follows you around everywhere, and his mood often dictates the whole mood of the house.

I fucking HATE my DH being at home all the time. Some of the time is fine and we have good times together, but when he has had multiple weeks in a row off (off ill or covid lockdown) he has driven me fucking batshit. Most women I know feel the same. Men stuck at home all day are a fucking nuisance.

No, I wouldn't want it either.
Screw 🪛 that.

I don't think this.
This issue caused the breakdown of my husband's first marriage.

I assume now that there are no small children to raise?

As others said, when he was the msin earner I was looking after three children, one with SEN, and doing 100 % of the housework.
Could forgive the housework more if he was doing DIY at least! He's painted the utility room and done a couple of small bits, but not much to show for two months

He may have been the main earner. OP is sole earner.He’s not working at all.

Men Have to step up when a woman is having a baby and needs to go on mat leave. Thus women have to stay off work for a period of time to give birth and look after newborn.
This often impacts on career and woman’s earning potential so man may find himself as main earner.

It’s not as simple as “shoe on the other foot”

This

He needs to do everything with regards to household chores while you are working!! That's just the way it should be, end of!!
Meals, washing, laundry, shopping, ironing.......everything..... dinner on the table when you get home, etcetera ...
It's only fair until he gets a job

Have you asked him why he’s not properly searching for a job? Is he limiting himself to a similar role/industry to his previous job?

At his age, and if you both agree you can afford it, then I’d be looking for something that isn’t necessarily a profession or career, but pays enough that you don’t have to use savings. Postman, supermarket work, etc. Will he do that sort of thing or is he feeling the pressure to stay in more of a “career”?

Not all men are the same. DH has always done at least 50% of household and child related tasks. We have both always worked full time. I regularly had to work away from home but nothing slipped as DH picked it up - party presents and school shoes still got bought, dentist appointments attended and sports events supported.

Do you actually like your husband?

What a load of disgustingly sexist bollocks.

Just because you've lumbered yourself with a useless cunt, don't just assume every other fucker has too.