To not want to be the sole earner in the family?

[DottyLS]

Dh lost his job two months ago. It was a professional job but not high flying. He turned 58 soon after. He's applied for some jobs but his job search has not exactly been full on. I earn enough that together with using some of our savings we could probably keep going quite a while with no loss of living standards. Aibu though to not want that? He's not really doing that much around the house either, and I'm just not prepared to live like this - him taking it easy while I work and still do a good proportion of the housework. Added difficulty is that he thinks he's doing at keast 50 %!

I would sit down and tell him that if he isn’t going to put real effort into getting another job you either need to split up, or you need to change your lives to accommodate him not being in employment, and that means - He does all the housework so you don’t have to cook dinner in the week, do laundry or clean; and that you cut your lifestyle to one that you can support on your wage without using your savings (and that presumably will necessitate some combination of cutting food and utility bills, no/cheaper holidays, no/less going out, no spending on hobbies, etc.).

And if he won’t even talk about, go see a solicitor about divorce. Don’t let him walk you into an old age you don’t want.

If you're the main earner and 'forced' into a situation you don't like, then you have options. You can leave, with the security of your paid job. I doubt too many men are forced into this position. This is why women are frequently counselled not to give up their jobs, because it's much harder to leave when you don't have paid work.

It's funny though, if this is the case you'd have thought more men would want to be the resident parent after a separation, most men don't want to look after their kids full time though it seems.

Firstly, he's been unemployed for just two months. Secondly, it incredibly traumatising to go through redundancy. Thirdly, he's 58 and it is very, very difficult to find another job at that age.

With all that said, it sounds like he has never pulled his weight at home and if this never been resolved as an issue between you previously so why would he behave differently now?

You need to be communicating with your husband. It's all very well you stating here what you think he should be doing, and getting a whole pile of validation, but you need to be telling him.

You need to decide where the line is in this relationship. What are your expections for this relationship to go forward? What would make you walk away? If he won't do it and you don't walk away, you have no cause to complain. And of course, he may have his own line in the sand.

How old are you op??

Cos at 58 he could easily 'retire'

But if you're 40, that's potentially 25 odd more years of work for you

As others said, when he was the msin earner I was looking after three children, one with SEN, and doing 100 % of the housework

^

In addition to working??

Expected by whom? On MN if an OP isn’t working and doesn’t have children at home to look after or a disability that physically excludes housework, the vast majority of posters will tell her she should be doing it all during the week. With only daily things shared at the weekend.

He wasn't made redundant
He left a secure job in January to start this one, and was dumped after six months.

No explanation given

So not even redundancy payment!
And it's part of what makes me so cross, I never wanted him to change jobs in the first place!

Very sorry for drip feeding, but left it out initially because I didn't think it was that relevant to the general situation.
But I guess it also won't help with finding work!

I presume you're talking about if there are small children to be looked after. Two adults and no children? There's nothing to take over from.

I'm 51

But how can he retire without a pension?

My income came from being a landlady. Sold the place later.

I do hope he is claiming New Style Employment and Support Allowance. That will be a little bit of extra money coming in while he looks for another job.

Has he tried approaching his old boss/employer? He'd have to eat some humble pie but it's probably one of his strongest options. Even if they don't have his old job, they've employed him and know his value

I agree, not sure dh does!
Sorry I know I come across really negative but I feel so exasperated and also exhausted!

He doesn't have to go begging. Just asking to meet for coffee on lunch or similar can often lead to something.

You do sound a bit hopeless, makes me feel like there's bigger problems than his job if communication is so impossible.

I'd set expectations. He's not working so his contribution is 100% of housework, cooking, children duties. You should not come home and have to think about food or anything.

His alternative is to get a job.

Why doesn't he have a great pension? Might be an idea to see an IFA and work out what you need to do for a secure future.

If a SAHM came on here and said her husband did nothing around the house at all when he got back from work he d be crucified.

I'm the sole earner in my family. Dh became unexpectedly disabled last year. He is 58. It's taken months for me to come to terms with it. It will take time. Now he's pulling his weight and will do most of the house stuff. He could probably do a remote job but can't find anything due to age. No pension.
I'm 47 so have years of working ahead of me. I've now come to terms with it.
What really used to be irritating was I'd finish work to be asked what's for supper? I now reply no idea you've been watching YouTube all day you think of something. I still have to prompt for laundry or cleaning but it's so much better now I'm accepting this is my new reality. Dh went from good money to nothing.i changed jobs to a better paid one which helps.

Has he spoken to specialist recruitment consultants for his profession? Lots of people his age work on shorter contracts for really good day money. Jobs are typically for 3-6 months and the years of experience are appreciated rather than him being considered old. If his confidence is low you might need to help him find a couple of companies to phone for a chat but they’ll make his cv look fab and find him short term roles.

You're (deliberately?) mischaracterising MN discourse. The general consensus here is that that both partners ought to end up with equal down time. With a SAHM with older kids theyd generally be expected to do the bulk of housework and be done by dinnertime. Mums on mat leave with 24:7 baby or toddler demands, different story.

What is it with all the MRA posts tonight?

Speak for yourself and about your own useless twat of a husband.

I was in this position 10 years ago. I absolutely hated it, especially as I was self employed so it was just extra pressure.

I asked my partner to do all the household chores and cooking which he did. He looked for work at the level.he was at and got nowhere, mainly due to ageism I think.

In the end I said I was going to stop working too and we would see how we got on. He then got an 'any job'. I hated seeing him do a minimum wage job but at least we had a bit more money and it took the pressure off me.

Something had to give as his new working life was awful and not sustainable long term. We totally changed our lives, moved away and started a business together.

Thanks for that, will
ask him
about it