To not want to be the sole earner in the family?

[DottyLS]

Dh lost his job two months ago. It was a professional job but not high flying. He turned 58 soon after. He's applied for some jobs but his job search has not exactly been full on. I earn enough that together with using some of our savings we could probably keep going quite a while with no loss of living standards. Aibu though to not want that? He's not really doing that much around the house either, and I'm just not prepared to live like this - him taking it easy while I work and still do a good proportion of the housework. Added difficulty is that he thinks he's doing at keast 50 %!

Unfortunately the contracting market has really slowed down and rates have decreased, so without prior contracting experience it's not as easy to get a contract as it was.

However he might be lucky and should also look at fixed term contracts with a set salary. Generally not as well paid, but means you get paid holiday, sick leave and pension accrual.
If he is good, they will likely find another role for him once his placement completes.

I'd encourage him to look outside of LinkedIn as well directly on company sites and for charity sector Goodmoves is where I found my role - one year Mat cover with a great job title and ok salary at a charity.

I would also say that if he is seriously job seeking, it's quite time consuming. It's important to get a good base CV and tailor it for job applications, or sometimes fill in lots of questions. Then reaching out to any contacts and relevant agencies.

Therefore whilst I would also be wanting him to do more around the house, I would be putting my effort- for now- in encouraging him to get a new job.

Because a SAHM is also looking after kids. OP's DH is not.

SAHMs with school age kids are told pretty unanimously on here they should be doing all the housework in school hours.

I agree in principle but he's only applying to about one a day!

If he's not a talker then write down a list for him stating your expectations:
Every day:
Cleaning up, make bed, dishes, dinner
Some days: shops, hoovering, bathrooms, diy , bills etc

Put it all down on paper. Give him a cook book with easy healthy recipes. Tell him this is his new life until he finds employment since you are supposed to be PARTNERS.

This. If it goes on for much longer, a swift kick is needed!

This.

The chorus of boot on the other foot posts are all stupid, because that would require dependent children. What DH is doing is not equivalent to SAHPing. The clue is in the P.

Guess I'll have to, though it grates because how come I can do it all without being given a list?

Have you talked to him? Playing devil's advocate when my dp lost his job it knocked his confidence and there were times he felt quote low. He also may have encountered ageism and be concerned about his lack of progress on the job front.

Gently let him know what tasks you'd like him to take responsibility for and maybe help on the job looking part. A little empathy could serve you better than going in hard.

Sorry if I’ve missed this.

What were the circumstances of him losing his job? Sacked or made redundant? Is that a barrier to him finding new work.

Wtaf. Some posters on here really do hate women.

What people choose to spend their savings on depends on their priorities, that list is just yours.

BUT in a household and partnership, decisions need to be joint. Sounds like you need a good sit down one evening to draft a plan. What do you hope for in terms of his return to work versus him. What do you want him to do in the interim and what are his expectations?

It sounds like you're both plodding along without having a clear plan and expecting eachother to just fall in line. Communication is everything.

What sector is he looking in? I'd recommend public sector/civil service - having worked in both for years, there are plenty of older new starts, in all sorts of roles, including some quite junior. I hired a trainee once who was in his 60s - had taken redundancy and then got bored. He didn't have any direct experience in my profession but was great in other ways, and learned enough to get the next role up within a couple of years, same as others had before him. Compared to everyone else I'd hired for that role in the past, he needed far less training because he was able to draw on previous working experience, even if he wasn't familiar with the technicalities of the job.

My local authority advertises some trainee or junior roles at £25k and up. Might be a big step down initially but it comes with flexibility, pension etc, and usually room for progression, regardless of age. And once he's in, there might be roles in other areas to move into that are more his thing.

This. Have you ever discussed retirement and future finances etc? We are a bit younger and haven't gone into details but we both expect to contribute 50/50 in retirement and are each sorting our own pensions and savings to be able to do that. And we know we want multiple holidays. What are your plans?

When this happened to me - left a secure job for what turned out to be an insecure one - I went back to the old job and they were happy to have me back. Is that a possibility? Could he go for coffee with his old boss and put feelers out?

I think it's worth really pushing on the job front now as the longer it goes on, the less motivated he'll get and before you know it, he'll be depressed and incapable. He doesn't sound like the sort to see his GP and get help, so you'll be even more stuck.

At 58 he's going to be struggling in the job market and his confidence will have taken a knock. I don't know how long he was in his job but it must be pretty daunting to have to start all over again.My DH was made redundant at 30 and retrained as a teacher. He was crap at interviews so he ended up doing supply work for 2 years till he got a permanent post. It was DH lack of confidence that was the main problem.
Lists of tasks and a project of some sort could be a way to help your dh so that he can see he's been productive. Getting him doing all the housework so that the pair of you can do something nice together could be a goal setting exercise for him.It might sound patronising, but it might just lift his spirits and yours to have something positive to show for his day. It may get him to see that he needs to get himself motivated and set targets. I did this with my DH when he was off long term sick, I also made my DH go cycling to get out of the house and it made a big difference to his mood as well as being good for him. Most of all talk to him, this may have hit him harder than you think.

I think the trouble is that I really struggle to have sympathy. It feels like he brought this on himself.

Lol on here it seems every expects the man to work full time then take over kids and housework as soon as get home

My partner left his job at the beginning of December last year and didn't start a new one until March. With my earnings and some savings we managed ok. But he did almost everything around the house for us. And cooked and did the dishes most nights too. He was so much happier out of work. It suited us all to be honest, but it wasn't sustainable sadly.

If he wasn't pulling his weight etc and we were at an age that retirement was in the near future it wouldn't have worked at all. Your DH needs to pull his fingers out

This could be how he feels as well. It must be humiliating for him and he needs to talk to you about what he feels right now. He took a huge gamble and lost and that will have hit him hard emotionally.

Oh no it sounds as if his confidence has been knocked and he's easing his way into retirement. He needs to find a job, any job and go from there.

In your position I wouldn't drain savings to top up because you may need them later.