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Original poster

To think his wasting my time?

77 replies

user2312 · 11/09/2024 18:29

Hi, was with my ex for around a year and we split, his choice, in the time together he told me he loved me saw a future blah blah blah. When we split he said he saw no future had no feelings etc. A couple of months after splitting we became FWB, said he had no feelings. A couple of months later he said he had feelings and wanted to give it a go how bad he'd treated me etc etc. fast forward 6 months of trying we've had a few big rows and now his saying he's struggling to get past them and his feelings now aren't as strong because of the arguments. But he believes they can grow and we can make this work. Am I just being deluded?
When I broach the topic of what he's done wrong he makes me feel I'm the bad one. It's almost like everything he did has to be forgotten and I have to try get him to now want me! surely this isn't right?

OP posts:
DrFosterWentToGloucester23 · 11/09/2024 18:30

Bin him off. You can do better.

Hatty65 · 11/09/2024 18:30

He's just after an easy shag without commitment. And everything will always be your fault so that he can bullshit you for longer.

Dump him and move on.

Original poster
user2312 · 11/09/2024 18:33

This is what I think too about the No commitment but I have suggested the FWB again and he isn't keen? We've got a holiday booked also for next year. Feel like I'm on edge all the time.

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 11/09/2024 18:34

As above and no effort or commitment required.
Get rid and be with someone that's a pleasure to be with and actually likes you.

Thevelvelletes · 11/09/2024 18:35

user2312 · 11/09/2024 18:33

This is what I think too about the No commitment but I have suggested the FWB again and he isn't keen? We've got a holiday booked also for next year. Feel like I'm on edge all the time.

Bugger that and ditch the holiday.

MounjaroUser · 11/09/2024 18:37

Why would you want to be FWB with someone who has treated you like this?

Have you always suffered from low self esteem? Were you treated badly as a child or in previous relationships?

Original poster
user2312 · 11/09/2024 18:39

I do think I have low self esteem. I also think part of it is just being comfortable with someone and not wanting to start again with dating etc.

OP posts:
JustFinishedCleaning · 11/09/2024 18:41

Classic, blowing hot and cold. Don’t waste any more time on him.
He’s controlling you by using this behaviour, if you don’t accept his (shitty) behaviour he is ‘not sure’, ‘has lost his feeling’ etc. But he can work on it as long as you accept anything.

This is crystal clear from outside. I bet he just wants a shag and nothing serious and wants to keep a way out if he finds someone else. It’s always going to be your fault and you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to fit his needs (so that he ‘has feelings’ for you, according to him).

You deserve better.

JustFinishedCleaning · 11/09/2024 18:43

Out of interest, what were those rows about? And what has he done in the past? I smell a player here…

Original poster
user2312 · 11/09/2024 18:47

JustFinishedCleaning · 11/09/2024 18:41

Classic, blowing hot and cold. Don’t waste any more time on him.
He’s controlling you by using this behaviour, if you don’t accept his (shitty) behaviour he is ‘not sure’, ‘has lost his feeling’ etc. But he can work on it as long as you accept anything.

This is crystal clear from outside. I bet he just wants a shag and nothing serious and wants to keep a way out if he finds someone else. It’s always going to be your fault and you’ll tie yourself in knots trying to fit his needs (so that he ‘has feelings’ for you, according to him).

You deserve better.

The hot and cold is so true and also tying myself in knots! I feel constantly anxious! I put so much effort in but feel like why do I bother? Yes so when we split it was so out the blue and he went from love you so much to I'm done my feelings are gone somethings changed in me within 24 hours. I was treated quite badly so when I agreed to try again he said il do all I can I know it'll take time so when we've argued it's been me feeling like that's not true or feeling like the effort has stopped from him. I've agreed to put the past in the past and not talk about it etc again but only 6 weeks ago he said he loved me now because we argued his feelings aren't as strong. We do have dates and don't always have sex and he knows my family I've met his etc but something feels off and I know I should leave but I think I'm just deluded when it comes to him

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 11/09/2024 18:49

If it is right you bith have the same ir very similar feelings. Stop flogging a dead horse, he keeps telling you he's not interested so listen to him.

FinallyHere · 11/09/2024 18:57

Yeah. Do yourself a favour and ditch him.

JustFinishedCleaning · 11/09/2024 19:05

So your gut feeling is already telling you this is wrong. Because it is. Listen to it.

You have argued about his feelings not being strong? That is a strange argument to have because if he had feelings there would be no such argument… Your gut is telling you he is using you but in an argument he is trying to explain away that whatever crap he pulls on you is ‘love’? That is so odd. I bet it’s creating cognitive disonance because his behaviour is not matching up to his words! All serves to keep you confused and questioning yourself.

So what that he knows your family, to me that just shows he doesn’t value any of it and is playing his game because so far it has worked. You might think that knowing your family signifies a step into a more serious phase of relationship whilst to him this is just another trick to keep you accepting his crap.

Incidentally, what does your family think of him?

pictoosh · 11/09/2024 19:07

Look, after a year together he ditched you citing no feelings on his part and no future.
Now call me a diva, but to me, if a man I am in a romantic relationship with surmises that after a year in my company, then he is free to go. What use is a man who doesn't fucking like me?
Excuse me, but I want to be adored thank you.
Don't you?

StormingNorman · 11/09/2024 19:11

He’s a time waster. You’ll be on and off until he finds someone he wants to settle down with. You’ll still be licking your wounds while he’s tripping the light fandango down the aisle six months after your last shag.

Montydone · 11/09/2024 19:13

It’s so easy to see from the outside and so easy to get sucked in when you’re on the inside. The thing about blowing hot and cold is that it’s a sure fire way to keep someone interested! Think about gambling….. lose lose lose win!! Lose lose win!! Lose lose lose, etc.
Do you want to be in this position in 5 years time, with a fuck buddy who blows hot and cold?

Original poster
user2312 · 11/09/2024 19:13

No we argued because I was calling his behaviour out and him not making effort etc and then because of a few weeks of arguing his feelings then weren't as strong.
I also forgot to add this man is currently getting divorced!

OP posts:
Original poster
user2312 · 11/09/2024 19:15

A year ago he couldn't do enough for me, nothing was no trouble! Now He hardly makes an effort for anything it's all me that does it or plans stuff

OP posts:
JustFinishedCleaning · 11/09/2024 19:26

He’s a mess. Unless you enjoy all this drama, you know what to do.

Thevelvelletes · 11/09/2024 19:28

Going through a divorce,this situation just gets worse.
If you have any sense at all as all pp have said..ditch him.

DadJoke · 11/09/2024 19:39

The whole point of FWB is fun sex without drama. This man’s emotions are all over the place if he isn’t just straightforwardly manipulating you. DTA.

Original poster
user2312 · 11/09/2024 19:41

We aren't currently FWB. We're pretty much
Together. I've suggested going back to FWB as he's said due to our arguing he's finding it hard to move forward and the arguing has caused his feelings to not be as strong but he's sure they can grow again.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 11/09/2024 19:46

Men will make an effort when they want to. He’s just not that into you. There just aren’t any other options on the horizon right now.

You need to get out of this holding pattern.

suburberphobe · 11/09/2024 19:47

the arguing has caused his feelings to not be as strong but he's sure they can grow again.

He's giving you the run-around. Just dump him, especially a man going through a divorce. It's all one big mess.

BackForABit · 11/09/2024 19:48

user2312 · 11/09/2024 18:33

This is what I think too about the No commitment but I have suggested the FWB again and he isn't keen? We've got a holiday booked also for next year. Feel like I'm on edge all the time.

Do you think when he says that he doesn't want to be FWB he wants you to keep asking him or basically beg to inflate his ego?

Leave him and block.