To think his wasting my time?

[user2312]

Hi, was with my ex for around a year and we split, his choice, in the time together he told me he loved me saw a future blah blah blah. When we split he said he saw no future had no feelings etc. A couple of months after splitting we became FWB, said he had no feelings. A couple of months later he said he had feelings and wanted to give it a go how bad he'd treated me etc etc. fast forward 6 months of trying we've had a few big rows and now his saying he's struggling to get past them and his feelings now aren't as strong because of the arguments. But he believes they can grow and we can make this work. Am I just being deluded?
When I broach the topic of what he's done wrong he makes me feel I'm the bad one. It's almost like everything he did has to be forgotten and I have to try get him to now want me! surely this isn't right?

You only get one go at this life. Is this really how you want to spend it?

Ditch him and never go back. He's using you and stringing you along. He didn't find anyone new as fast as he hoped, or he's not scoring regularly, so you're the safe and tested backup plan for the time being. Nothing more. Please stand up for yourself and move on. Block him.

He's using you and the way he speaks about his constantly changing 'feelings' for you is just him being a disrespectful manipulative twat. Why should you linger around hanging on the fact he may or may not have 'feelings' for you.
If he cared about your feelings for even one nanosecond he'd stop fucking you about and leave you alone to find a decent man.

You will never be able to trust him. Why put yourself through that? FWB only works if you are both on the same page. Not if you are being downgraded in terms of treatment, hanging around for scraps.

Have some pride woman. Walk away, be single for a while - catch up with friends and family. Enjoy the successful relationships in your life and then meet someone worth your time and effort

This guy is an exhausting head fuck. It doesn't surprise me in the slightest that he's getting divorced and that his ex despises him.

He gets off on treating you like shit.

Tell him you're done, then block his number.

In effect he just told you that he doesn't even want to sleep with you. This is no longer a relationship. Block him and move on.

And please raise your standards. He's awful and it sounds like he gets off on watching you ride an emotional roller coaster. Get away today!

What a wanker. You would do better with a mechanical sex aid, some female erotica, and a ham sandwich. Cheap, constant, arousing, and fulfilling. Why bother with this kind of asshole?

Next time accept a man as ling as nothing is too much trouble and he absolutely will do anything (within reason) for you and as soon as he starts blowing cold and finding you too much trouble just bin him off. There’s plenty of good fish in the sea. If one stinks—throw ot back. Don’t ever give a man two chances to fuck you over.

Ugh, it’s all about “his feelings.” He sounds like a complete drip.
bin him, and make it absolutely rock solid. Be very strong and do not let him back into your life. Your self esteem will grow by leaps and bounds if you make the decision to cut off completely someone who is pulling you around to feed his boring ego and moaning on about how his silly little feelings change with the weather.

You are an empath and he is a narcissist. He will mess you around for months and then discard you for someone else. Trust me, get out now.

He's a waste of organs and doesn't know if he's coming or going.

He's like a constipated. yo-yo and he's messing with your emotions.

Next time just say no because he doesn't know what he wants.

He's a user. It will never improve... he'll string you along til he finds someone he wants to commit to...

He sounds vile... FWB is supposed to be fun...

Please don't waste any more of your precious life /thoughts and feelings on someone treating you with contempt!

Good luck!

He's using you.

You're letting him.

You need to be single. Develop self esteem and do not let men use you like this.

Don't be afraid to be single.

Bin him. He's not good to you. He's taking the piss.

Take some time alone.

Find someone who is really into you and you into them. That's the magic part. Not this ridiculous panto.

Well you have told us a lot about what he thinks.
You have asked for opinions and had responses about what MN think (which are pretty unanimous I’d say)

But it’s what you think that matters OP. And the reason you are struggling is because you put the thoughts of others above your own.

The best advice is to listen to your own instincts, consider them carefully and then act decisively on them, with confidence. The more you do it the more confident you become. That’s how self-esteem is developed properly. It’s how you feel about yourself not about how others feel about you. Aim to know yourself.

I think you are on the right track to better self esteem when you talk about dumping him.
But on the wrong track when you look for ‘a glimmer of hope’ to keep you stuck in this self-destroying pattern.

I hate to be blunt, but … going backwards from a relationship to FWB, back to a relationship and suggesting FWB again when the arguments start …all with the same person who is still married to somebody who despises him is really very self-destroying OP. The exact opposite to improving your self esteem.
FWB is very damaging to somebody with low self esteem.

This ‘relationship’ is going nowhere good for you.
You really would feel the rewards of being single and free and not being used any longer by this man. Don’t wait for him to dump you again. Make yourself unavailable for his use.

So, ask yourself how his actions and conduct make you feel. What is your true instinct. What advice would you give to yourself? what sort of life do you want and deserve?
Act on that and do it with confidence like you mean it.
All the best to you for your future.

A complete loser. Bin him off.

Yep you’re deluded!

but not really, he’s using some tactics that are a slippery slope to abuse.

get out now! You can find better sex - with a nice person. I promise!

Oh op! Don't do it to yourself, just tell him he's right it's not gonna work. Go silent, know your worth. Otherwise you will just be stuck in this cycle, what happens of he meets some one else while being FWB? You'll be heartbroken, save yourself the drama and chuck him now.

Thanks for all your responses.
I've carried things on and they are going okay, however I do think you're all right and I'm building the strength to just walk away from it all. I know everyone is different but he says he has love and respect for me but isn't in love with me yet and has no feelings as yet but does feel they could be 🤷🏼‍♀️ I was previously with him for a year so says it all. I'm fed up of being his unpaid therapist and feeling used in many ways.

Stop wasting your time with this loser. You only have one life - is this really how you want to spend it?

@Noseybookworm absolutely not. I need to put me first and work on myself. So I finally realise what I deserve 🤷🏼‍♀️

The longer you leave it, the more control he has over you and the harder it becomes to leave.
Your resolve to leave him is weakening by the day. I can feel that in your words and he can feel it too I’m sure.
if he thought you were leaving, he would be love bombing and sweet talking you again to keep you at his beck and call. He’s got you exactly where he wants you. Serving his needs and giving him therapy ….all attention on him the way he likes it.

He isn’t somebody you should be with a moment longer.
Next time you feel the impulse to leave, act on it quickly and decisively.
Sending you energy to do just that.

OP you deserve better than this. He is using you and messing you about. Worse than that, it is stopping you meeting someone decent. Change the holiday, or cancel it and don't waste any more time on him.

He’s totally leaving a way out for himself with all this nonsense about no feelings/potential feelings/not quite there feeling etc. It’s actually really upsetting to be told something like this and leaves you feeling confused/not good enough/insecure. Keeping you in this state allows him to then destroy your self worth further which is exactly what he is doing.
I think you need to accept that you will feel sadness, hurt, even miss him once you break off. It’s inevitable, you’ve been together for a while and despite his crappy behaviour you have some feelings for him as it’s natural to develop attachment once in relationship. The sooner you will break off, the sooner you will be free, after dealing with all the sadness. Staying is just postpoining the inevitable and it won’t be easier, you’ll still have to go through it.
Face it head on, when you’re ready and honestly, in 6 months time you will read this thread and see exactly what we all see. And you’ll be glad you got out.

It’s hard to see what you see in him, OP. He sounds self absorbed and quite unpleasant.

I'm not sure what I do see in him. Others see all the flaws and I'm not stupid I know they are there but I believe what we have is something. Then I wonder am I staying out of routine and loneliness. I don't understand how someone can have no feelings for someone they've known dated on and off for almost 2 years but says he believes they could come.

It’s just to keep you hanging on in hope.
He doesn’t want to risk you seeing sense.