AIBU if I tell my husband’s girlfriend what he’s like?

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Me and STBXH separated in April, I left him, he was abusive (never physically but lots of other ways) he has of course categorically denied any abuse and done his best to turn his family and our friends against me.

For about two months (we were together 17 years) he was trying to win me back, and then suddenly met someone else, removed all traces of me from the house and practically moved her in. Introduced her to our DD, and although I made my feelings on that VERY clear he didn’t care and carried on, having his new GF to stay when our DD was there and taking her for sleepovers there.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago he asked if I was sure there was no way back for us and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. He wants us to be a family and he thinks he rushed into things with his GF. I have never wavered and always maintained that it’s over. I’ve said this is inappropriate conversation when he’s in a relationship with someone else, but several times now (over the phone or in person when I’ve had to fetch things from the house) he’s asked again and got all emotional over it. His new GF is still going round and staying over a couple of times a week (I’m still signed into the doorbell camera app) and when he has DD on a weekend they’re still always going on days out like a brand spanking shiny new family. My DF said I should message her on Facebook and tell her what sort of man her BF is.

I understand the temptation but she won't believe you. She will paint you as a nutter, tell him and he will agree and it will just end up making everything even worse.
Go grey-rock with him.

You really need to stop spying on his doorbell camera.

I don't think you should message her, she's unlikely to believe you and the last thing your daughter needs is to be in the middle of a drama caused by you messaging the gf.

Stay out of it and delete the app.

She won't believe you, so what's the point?

Good point about her not believing me and me being painted as a nutter.

As for the doorbell app I have turned the notifications off but do check to see if she’s there. Get why people are saying not to, but it’s my house and I’m still paying half the mortgage whilst we try and sell it.

Ok I was the new gf, ex tried to warn me. Some I absolutely didn’t believe some made me question. It would turn out she wasn’t lying. I didn’t want to believe it tho, she put up with his abuse for 10 years. I did 2.5. Somethings I thought bitter ex but the things that I thought hmm ok maybe played on my mind so much. Her warning didn’t make me end it though, it just made me feel less alone when it did end. I knew I wasn’t the only one and he will likely to it again. I was the first propa relationship after their split, so that’s two serious women he has abused, he will absolutely continue to do so. He will not accept he is abusive instead says he is sorry I feel that way, it was never his intention but the truth it’s, I am the abuser 🙄

id say you could tell her but she’s unlikely to believe you, if you happen to build a bit of a relationship then maybe, the fact she’s a rebound is not great for her.

rock and hard place.

id say you’ll know when he starts abusing her because the kids will tell you.

thats how his ex knew he’d done it to me and i think she was also happy it wasn’t just her and he did it to me too.

What sort of excuse is that for spying on them? 😳

There's no reason and no excuse.

Just that it’s still my house and I’m still paying the mortgage so I feel if I want to know who’s sleeping there, especially the same time as when my DD’s sleeping there I’m entitled to.

Also, if I’m being truly honest it’s probably a bit of a habit and trauma bonding. He would lie about things incessantly, this is just a silly example but I’ve taken photos of things like wrappers in his car when he insisted I hadn’t bought a packet of m&m’s and then I saw the empty wrapper in his car. It’s nonsense really and ridiculous but that’s what these types of relationships do to you, you doubt your version of reality so much that it gets to the stage of taking photos of chocolate wrappers to prove to yourself that you did actually buy them. And perhaps it’s an invasion of privacy, but it just cements to me the fact that I’m not mental, and he truly is telling me he loves me and wants me back when he’s acting all loved up around her.

She won't believe you. He will have painted you as crazy. This will confirm it in her mind.

Let her find out for herself. And log out of the doorbell app. For your own sake.

If you want to look like the crazy ex and become a joke for them to laugh about, potentially in your child’s ear shot, then yeah do it. If not then just stay quiet and take the high road. The reality is she wouldn’t believe you anyway and you have nothing to gain either way- just leave it. He’s not your problem anymore and be glad of that!

She’ll find out. Some people need to learn the hard way.

Terrible advice from your father.

Keep out of it. Delete the app. Move on

No way, he'll just make you out to be crazy. I'm sure she'll find out soon enough.

She likely already knows.. but if she’s two planks short of a loghouse she’ll disputed til blue in the face. Let her learn the hard way.

He'll have already told her you're the crazy ex to preempt anything like this from you. I understand why you'd want to, if I'd been through hell I'd feel awful knowing someone else was skipping blindly into it on my way out, but she'll have to find out on her own what he's like. Hopefully she'll find out quick and get out quicker before she ends up pregnant by him.

Well done you getting away. It's not easy 💐

If they don’t know you have access you are spying on them. Don’t tell her - there is no upside to anyone if you do - but especially you.

Stop paying the mortgage if you're not living there.

It won’t make their “shiny new family” hurt less.

Log out of the doorbell. You’re giving him too much headspace and frankly, it makes you sound like an obsessive stalker.

Stop spying on them. It's creepy that you are watching a woman that you don't know and she has no idea. There is a good chance he does know and is getting off on you not being able to let go. Free yourself from him and go and live your best life, that is the best revenge.

OP I understand this. I had such a temptation to do similar in this type of situation when I knew a man was a serial cheat. But in all honesty she won't believe you, you'll be painted as crazy, so there's no real point. She'll learn eventually!

Gotta be honest, I wasn’t expecting so much push back from the doorbell camera thing (to clarify he does know I still have access) but I’ll take your comments on board and delete it I think.

Oh, and I’m still paying half the mortgage because it’s on the market, and I don’t want to give him any reason to say I’m not entitled to half the proceeds of sale, I can’t afford a legal battle over it.

I wish I'd listened to the ex, she was bang on about everything. Probably why my ex avoids me meeting any of his current gf's, the truth would bite a bit. They work it out on their own though, and they don't seem to stick around long.