AIBU if I tell my husband’s girlfriend what he’s like?

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Me and STBXH separated in April, I left him, he was abusive (never physically but lots of other ways) he has of course categorically denied any abuse and done his best to turn his family and our friends against me.

For about two months (we were together 17 years) he was trying to win me back, and then suddenly met someone else, removed all traces of me from the house and practically moved her in. Introduced her to our DD, and although I made my feelings on that VERY clear he didn’t care and carried on, having his new GF to stay when our DD was there and taking her for sleepovers there.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago he asked if I was sure there was no way back for us and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. He wants us to be a family and he thinks he rushed into things with his GF. I have never wavered and always maintained that it’s over. I’ve said this is inappropriate conversation when he’s in a relationship with someone else, but several times now (over the phone or in person when I’ve had to fetch things from the house) he’s asked again and got all emotional over it. His new GF is still going round and staying over a couple of times a week (I’m still signed into the doorbell camera app) and when he has DD on a weekend they’re still always going on days out like a brand spanking shiny new family. My DF said I should message her on Facebook and tell her what sort of man her BF is.

I believed it, his brother and sister confirmed it! His ex should of been woman enough to tell me when it happened. I'm sure I would of

If you've moved on then do so. Get off his doorbell camera.

I think you need to stay out of it.

Remove the doorbell app. As long as your child is being well taken care of, then what they with their father during his time is not your business unless it would fall into an area where both parties need to consent.

She will soon find out what he’s like. Then it’s up to her how to deal with it.

Put the focus and energy into your own life. You cannot control what he does, who he does it with or how soon it happens.

Speaking from experience, you need to let her find out for yourself. She’s in the throes of a new romance. It’s exciting and given what he’s probably told her about you, she won’t believe you anyway. It will literally get you no where.

She won't believe you so I wouldn't bother. You will be labelled the bitter desperate ex, saying all this nasty stuff to split them up and try and get him back, she will tell him what you have said and then he will talk her round and then he will just have a go at you and then it could get nasty and like you said, you can't afford a legal battle - just keep her sweet and he will eventually show his true colours

Sounds like you are well rid.

I'd still be checking the ring door bell if I'm honest, my house I want to know what goes on there - It's not like its an indoor camera, now that would be cause for concern 😂

Are you me?! I could have written this years ago - minus the involvement from the GF as she wasn't allowed on days out with my kids (his choice). I'd just leave it well alone - let her work out what she's getting into.

The messenger gets shot.

No. Nature will be take it's course in their relationship. You will just seem like the bitter ex. Just focus on your daughter and moving on with your new life.

My ex did the same (no kids with him) asking me back repeatedly when he was dating someone new, but he's been with new gf a year now - I've moved on, they moved on.

unless you have proof in writing that you can show her she won’t believe you and will think you are the bitter ex trying to destroy her wonderful new relationship with the amazing man 🤣🤣

honestly leave them to it, Karma will do it’s thing eventually and it will be glorious

my lying cheating narcissistic ex used to call me mental all the time then when we split up and all the lying and cheating came out he was already with some properly mental welsh tart (we are Essex based btw) she has bipolar and basically every condition in the book, she has manic episodes and he even had to call the police on her one night and get her locked up in the cells 🤣🤣🤣 I think by calling me mental all those years he almost manifested it for himself - what a shame 🤣🤣

The petty in me is dying to get come out on this one!

I'd tell him I'd only consider the chances of trying again if he finishes with GF first and tells her honestly why. Ie he wants you back.

Then when hes done it, say, " I considered it but feel its not right. "

It'll show her what he's like without him painting you as crazy!

But I'm in petty mode 😆

Don't think your being unreasonable. I disagree with most of the comments and I would definitely tell the new GF, unless you think it's going to affect the relationship between your daughter and him as that should be your priority. If you think it will cause major drama, maybe don't, but next time he propositions you, I would threaten him that you will tell her.
You clearly douged a bullet ( well 17 years- kinda) I'm one for justice but if it's going to have negative affects on your daughter, maybe access that too.
Wishing you all the best

Why don't you let his girlfriend find out herself?

You say he lies all the time move on
You would always be confused and you could find someone who is straight with you

I've been on the cusp of messaging my ex's new girlfriend so many times. But I figure what's the point, he's already painted me as a nutbar, it would just make me look bitter and ultimately I don't want to rock the boat as my kids really like her. If it all goes tits up it will be because she's figured him out.
Delete the app. Hopefully the house will sell soon and you can be truly free if him.

Keep out of it unless she’s in some kind of danger. My ex moved in with someone else and much as I wanted to tell he she was seeing a p3ado she wouldn’t have believed me and she had no kids so I kept out of it.

Having been in two abusive relationships I totally get why you don't want another woman to go through it.

The day after I left abusive BF 1 his ex wife called me about their son's weekend visit (she preferred to talk to me, and didn't know I'd just left)
She described the abuse he delt her and it was as if she'd been a fly on the wall in our home. The wording, the physical behaviour, she couldn't have made it up.

Was introduced to abusive ex 2's ex girlfriend, guess what.. exactly the same!

These types of men are not going to change.

Of course I want you to be safe, physically, mentally and financially divorce wise, do you have anyone mutual? Or perhaps could you anonymously inform her about Claire's law, and 'the right to ask' the police can give information re his abusive history.

Lastly well done, for leaving, for getting into the refuge, getting the right information about your mortgage, and being a roll model for your daughter. X

I just hope your DD is not emotionally harmed any more about this. You don't say her age (and we do not need to know) but what you describe about this man is unlikely to have not been noticed by her.

This is probably the hardest thing to deal with, DD (9) loves her dad, and even though I feel seeing him unsettles her (she’s tearful and sensitive when she first comes back to me) she’d be heartbroken if I tried to put a stop to it. Coupled with the fact that he’s doing an amazing job at convincing some people I’m this cruel nutter who left for no reason (his family, all of our mutual couple friends) I know I would come out of it terribly. I’ve never condoned people using children as a weapon (not saying that’s what I’d be doing) but I must admit now I’m on the other side of it I feel I’d be shielding DD from an emotionally abusive, controlling, manipulative AH, and the majority of people would see it as I’m trying to keep a loving father from his daughter, and I should be grateful because there are so many deadbeat dads out there.

I'm in a similar situation to you, left my emotionally abusive, gaslighting partner after 25 years. He has a new partner (one of my DS's best friends mum!). The kids don't know and I really want to warn her but I won't because I know she won't believe me and I will look like the crazy ex that he has painted me to be.
I've also lost mutual friends who have taken his side because he is so charming on the outside. It drives me mad and I want to scream from the rooftops everything he did to me but I will look jealous and crazy, which is exactly what he told me I was for years.
Just hold your head high and move on- it's hard- I still look at his whatsapp profile to see when he was last on, even though I try not to. Interesting what you say about traumabonding...big hugs x

I wish my husbands ex had!!

but I hate when women are called crazy for shit their partner pulls, so I would’ve heard her out, observed, and then chatted with him.

I have really reigned myself in lately, same as you none of our mutual friends are speaking to me, god knows what he said to them, I know he told anyone who’d listen that I was mentally unstable when I left, because he told me I was because he’d told everyone and they all agreed with him 🙄 when he was first having his new GF staying round our house whilst insisting he couldn’t help with the estate agent or divorce because he “needed to concentrate on getting himself better after the shock of me leaving for no good reason” I went round a couple of times, just to do things like take photos for rubbish removal quotes and his new GF was in the house, he said he wanted me to stop coming round and I just said this is still my house.

I remember he said to me that I couldn’t control him any more and I needed to accept he’d moved on and let him live his life. I think I actually started at him open mouthed 😂😂! After all the times I tried to leave and he threatened to kill himself, all the badmouthing of me after I left and refusing to help with anything practical because he needed to concentrate on himself. I really think they believe their own nonsense. I also want to shout from the rooftops, call his GF and all his friends, post all over social media… but I know the more I try and justify myself and explain what he’s like the more I play into his hands of looking like a nutter. Which is also very frustrating when he’s still telling me he thinks we could be happy and wants to give us another go.