AIBU if I tell my husband’s girlfriend what he’s like?

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Me and STBXH separated in April, I left him, he was abusive (never physically but lots of other ways) he has of course categorically denied any abuse and done his best to turn his family and our friends against me.

For about two months (we were together 17 years) he was trying to win me back, and then suddenly met someone else, removed all traces of me from the house and practically moved her in. Introduced her to our DD, and although I made my feelings on that VERY clear he didn’t care and carried on, having his new GF to stay when our DD was there and taking her for sleepovers there.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago he asked if I was sure there was no way back for us and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. He wants us to be a family and he thinks he rushed into things with his GF. I have never wavered and always maintained that it’s over. I’ve said this is inappropriate conversation when he’s in a relationship with someone else, but several times now (over the phone or in person when I’ve had to fetch things from the house) he’s asked again and got all emotional over it. His new GF is still going round and staying over a couple of times a week (I’m still signed into the doorbell camera app) and when he has DD on a weekend they’re still always going on days out like a brand spanking shiny new family. My DF said I should message her on Facebook and tell her what sort of man her BF is.

I’d say don’t do anything that might jeopardise your divorce or financial settlement/house sale. He’s been abusive before so likely would again. Put yourself and your children first.

Do you honestly think you will get 'thank you for telling me' and what has paying the mortgage got to do with anything?

That’s horrible ypu were told at the funeral and seems a spiteful thing for someone to do, I’m not sure I’d beleive it.

I think your daughter has to be the priority here. How do you think it would affect any co parenting relationship you've got with him,if you tell his gf what happened and she tells him?

If you really think she should know, it get a third party to tell her 'without your knowledge'

He was abusive and originally pestered you to get back with him, but now he's moved on to a new woman?

Give thanks, and move on yourself.

I like to think of Kant in situations like this. If everyone did the same as me, would the world be a better place? So really if you think telling her stuff to jeopardise their relationship would be okay, you are also saying you wouldn’t mind if your ex privately messaged any new boyfriend of yours and started talking rubbish about you. I’d keep out of it and stay well rid of him.

His next girl didn’t take my man, she took my problem

excellent line will remember that one!

yes we are-I almost said this in my last post but thought I’d get flamed haha. Being honest, every dickhead comes with red flags. I/we just ignore them. Or hindsight is wonderful. Even with an ex who wasn’t all bad but did do some bad stuff, he came across as all green flags but I do remember actually saying to a friend before I got with him that he gave me secret wife beater vibes. Not in an obvious way, more in a sad ‘pathetic nice guy’ way. And he did end up going weird and attacking me. But I had felt there was no justification for this so pushed the thought away.

Agree our gut is so powerful, we should trust it more!

His version of you probably already paints you in a bad light. She won't believe you

She watches their ring door bell for comings and goings. If the cap fits....

I understand why you want to but it’s a bad idea. If he had messaged you any of this so you had proof it may be different but since it was all in person, you will just look like a massive shit stirring, jealous liar and it isn’t worthwhile. Let her discover what a prick he is by herself.

Gently, you can't afford nontoxic have legal advice. Had yu stayed put in the house with DD you may have been able to stay there or have been eligible for more than 50% of everything. You know 50% includes assets like his pension?

Doesn't make your crazy person though. @CandyColouredEggshells might be struggling to deal with the fact that he says he wants her back, but continues to see someone else. At least she knows he's a lying shit as she can see it for herself. Now she knows for sure, it is probably time to snooze it when her child is not there.

Sounds like she is doing you a favour to be honest. Leave her to it.

OP, you're still logged on to your ex husband's ring doorbell to check how often his new girlfriend is staying over.
However you try to spin it, that's stalking.
You say you don't want him back, yet go on to say you could get him back any time you wanted.
It really doesn't sound as if you've moved on as much as you say you have.

She knows he is married with a child and getting divorced, don't give them headspace. Their relationship will fizzle out, he has made a mistake, let him stew and deal with his own problem. Who cares what she thinks.

Completely this, thank you.

Gonna be honest though, 17 years of emotional, verbal, financial and sexual abuse, gaslighting, retroactive jealousy and coercive control, probably has made me a bit batshit 😂 but I’m getting there.

No need to warn her as he will eventually show his true colours . Not your problem anymore, he's the ex .

I wouldn't say anything as long as you're married. Once the divorce is sorted I'd re-evaluate telling. You don't want to make life harder for your self at this moment.

Also, I just need to say this once, because a couple of comments have prickled me. I left an abusive relationship. One of the things the DA charity wanted to help with was making sure I had a support network to ensure he wouldn’t manage to talk me round and convince me to go back to him with love bombing and false promises, as abusers always do and how he had done before.

I honestly think I’m over him, in the sense that I don’t ever want to be in a relationship with him again, but yes he probably still has some sort of hold over me, and he’s still trying to mess with my emotions and get a response out of me.

Don't really appreciate the comments saying I want to reconcile or sound jealous of his new girlfriend.

I would have thought she will think you're making it up. I'd delete the doorbell app and let her find out. And keep him at arms length.

Don't let them posters get to you OP, they just don't understand trauma bonding. It's all black & white to the . Just ignore it.

You ll the psycho ex.