AIBU if I tell my husband’s girlfriend what he’s like?

[CandyColouredEggshells]

Me and STBXH separated in April, I left him, he was abusive (never physically but lots of other ways) he has of course categorically denied any abuse and done his best to turn his family and our friends against me.

For about two months (we were together 17 years) he was trying to win me back, and then suddenly met someone else, removed all traces of me from the house and practically moved her in. Introduced her to our DD, and although I made my feelings on that VERY clear he didn’t care and carried on, having his new GF to stay when our DD was there and taking her for sleepovers there.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago he asked if I was sure there was no way back for us and there was nothing he could do to change my mind. He wants us to be a family and he thinks he rushed into things with his GF. I have never wavered and always maintained that it’s over. I’ve said this is inappropriate conversation when he’s in a relationship with someone else, but several times now (over the phone or in person when I’ve had to fetch things from the house) he’s asked again and got all emotional over it. His new GF is still going round and staying over a couple of times a week (I’m still signed into the doorbell camera app) and when he has DD on a weekend they’re still always going on days out like a brand spanking shiny new family. My DF said I should message her on Facebook and tell her what sort of man her BF is.

I'd let it come as a lovely surprise.....but I am aVengeful Cow

She`s wearing the rose tint glasses just like you did when you met him.
Let them get on with it.

YABU purely because she won’t believe you and it’s something she needs to find out for herself.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

All I can say is where I live a woman was warned by her partners ex wife he was violent to women and drank.
She took no notice.
He's now in prison for serious assault. Kids haven't gottheir dad and witnessed his violence in the home.

She should have walked away when she was told.
I don't know what it is, maybe some women think they can change them.

Sorry but lawyer up and divorce him and sort your finances properly!

"As for the doorbell app I have turned the notifications off but do check to see if she’s there"

Why do you need to know if she's there, OP?

Cut yourself loose, love. Give yourself a new lease of life by walking away.

House is on the market, divorce has been accepted by the court, just waiting until I can submit the order (have been told by the court I can’t yet). I just really don’t want to pay for a solicitor and so far so good

Hard ‘nope’

She’s big enough to figure it out - she’s doing you a massive favour taking on your ex… leave well alone!

Yeah you need to stop spying on them, you’re trying to justify it, but it doesn’t wash and it’s weird and creepy.

and no you can’t tell her so you can split them up. As let’s face it that’s the only reason you’d tell her that.

whuch makes me wonder if it’s true, as coupled with the stalking it looks like you want him back and not as you’re playing it.

why? do you actually want him back? if not.. then delete his doorbell app because thats actually stalking! and the only reason you would tell her about the conversation is to upset the apple cart.

you say you have moved on.. then move on and them him too his antics

It really doesn’t sound like you’ve moved on at all op. You’re spying on them and now thinking of trying to split them up. You even write brand spanking new family like you’re jealous.

it doesn’t really tie with him wanting to get back with you and you saying no. It reads like you’re jealous as fuck and stalking them.

Ignore the ‘stop looking’ posters. Easy for them to say! It’s your house & up to you if you want to check what’s going on. So many bloody saintly people on here but I bet they’d do the same. I stalked my abusive ex’s social media for ages afterwards. It was cathartic not creepy.

I was the ex who told the new GF - he just painted me as the nutter as he did to me about the ex before me!! There’s no point in telling her - the truth will out eventually.

Completely not. Have already said I’m going to log out of the cameras, think it was a way of trying to maintain some sort of control over the situation. He lies. A lot. And seeing that she was staying round so often when he was telling me they weren’t serious and he wanted to fix us just reinforced my thinking that he’s lying. To both of us. It’s so incredibly stressful to think you’re starting to be able to rebuild your life and be rid of him for him to start trying to lure you back in to feeling sorry for him.

I didn’t really want to tell her, someone told me I should, and it made me wonder if I was not being very “girls support girls” by not telling her that her new amazing boyfriend was trying to convince me to go back to him and sort things out.

Also, I could have him back if I wanted, he’s made that plainly obvious, I don’t want him. I left probably about 4 years after deciding I’d had enough and I was deeply unhappy, I tried probably 6 times to actually leave and he wouldn’t let me, in the end I left with the assistance of a domestic abuse charity. Since leaving I’ve never wavered and never once woke up and regretted it in the harsh light of day.

She won't believe you.

Ok then log out, it doesn’t matter how many times she stays. And you know full well telling her she will either not beleive or dump him. And you’re answer of it’s inappropriate question to ask when he’s in a relationship when he asks you back, also indicates if he dumps her you’d say yes.

im glad you’re away but it isn’t coming across as you intend.

Don’t bother 😂
he’s not your problem any more. What have you got to gain by doing this

Yeah I get what you mean about feeling less alone. My ex was crazy and when I first got with him he painted the picture of his ex being the mad one etc (which she was - but so was he). And I remember a few years in when he was really getting abusive, I suddenly remembered some of the things she had said about him and was like ahhh she was dealing with this shit too.

then when we broke up and he got with someone else I was so sad that he didn’t treat her badly and stuff but then saw them together and overheard him talking to her like crap the same abusive shot he’d done to me and I felt like I wants to just warn her, comfort her even, tell her I knew what she as going through but I know she wouldn’t be pleased for it - I’m now the crazy ex he’s spinning lies about.

but wouldn’t it be good if we had something - a private women’s only review site (that wasn’t hideous and mean) for boyfriends so we could help weed out the bad ones haha.

It’s crazy isn’t it. Mine has been gone since end of May dropping in occasionally trying to get me back. I know he will meet someone if he hasn’t already (was on tinder 2 days after moving out) and yes I get sad and it hurts that the next girl will experience all that good and amazing feeling but then I remember she will also get gaslit to fuck, pushed to the bottom of the pile, verbally and emotionally abused and she to will think wtf? His next girl didn’t take my man, she took my problem. I already feel for her. I think his abuse will be worse next time because his ex isn’t really confrontational, me however I was loud about the fact he was an abuser so now I have seen through him and the ex did, I pity his next victim.

yes that would be good but women are very emotive and I doubt facts and emotion could be separated

in cases where there are children you may be entitled to more than the 50%. On the basis you are already worried that he is going to try to diddle you out of 50% you really should get advice at least as to what you should be getting by way of financial settlement . Fkr example there may also be some form of pension equalisation due too.

Spending some to get this advice may save you thousands. It also ensures there is no come back later for claims against you. Do NOT finalise divorce unless you have sorted finances or applied for a financial order! Please get legal advice .

I wish my late husbands ex wife had told me that the night before our wedding he'd been to her house,begged her to take him back and told her he'd not turn up at our wedding the day after if she would. Would of saved me 15yrs of my life I won't get back. I found out at his funeral. Do her a favour. Second best is not a place I'd recommend for anyone.

This. It is what they do. Crazy ex, blah, blah, blah. She'll find out in due course. Some men are just shits.

This