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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you be able to see past this?

89 replies

clareblue6 · 11/09/2024 13:50

DH does not drive and will not learn. Refuses and says it makes him too anxious. We have two young kids so I have to do all the nursery and school drops and pick ups.
He has a minimum wage job that he constantly complains about but will not job search at all or says he “needs to update his cv” but never will.
If he has the kids he never takes them anywhere, stays in all day and uses the excuse that he can’t drive.
Doesn’t do anything around the house, bar the bins and the occasional shoddy dishwasher stacking.
No interest in diy / house renovation.

But, we are best friends, get on very well and have a great rapport. He is a great father and the kids love him. We enjoy each other's company and love being all together as a family.

I just feel I need more. aibu?

OP posts:
StonwEd · 11/09/2024 13:53

In what ways is he a good dad? I’m not trying to be argumentative, just I would think cooking, cleaning up after, doing bed times, taking the kids out etc would all contribute to being a good dad and it sounds like he’s not doing any of this.
But in answer to your question, nope, no way. I need someone hands on and ambitious (not necessarily career or money wise but life wise) who wants to go out, explore, have adventures but also pulls equal weight in the household. That’s just me but you did ask.
how long have you been together, how old are you and how old are the kids?

Allfur · 11/09/2024 13:55

He is not a great father if hes not helping their mother more

Original poster
clareblue6 · 11/09/2024 13:56

i’m 37, kids are 7 and 3.

OP posts:
Janeir0 · 11/09/2024 13:56

No I don't see the point in him.

Whatifitallgoesright · 11/09/2024 13:57

Why doesn't he walk, use public transport like every other person with kids and without a car?

Dearg · 11/09/2024 14:00

I would find his general attitude very off-putting. Not just the driving - fine with that if he can and does use public transport- but to hell with being expected to do all the driving, plus entertaining the dc, giving them good experiences ; to hell with doing nothing round the house.

You say you are friends - are you lovers too? Do you still look at him and feel that magnetism?

If yes, then that is worth something, but if no, then I would struggle to stay with him

LemonDrizzle69 · 11/09/2024 14:01

I was with a 'man' like this - thankfully didn't have children with him and I left 18 months ago.
You essentially have three children, or at the very most, 2 children and a baby sitter. What you don't have is a partnership. He isn't pulling his weight in any area of your lives together.
As a PP said, I don't see that point in him either.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/09/2024 14:03

Your best friend wouldn’t let you run yourself ragged would they?

Snowfalling · 11/09/2024 14:04

He's your best friend who does nothing to lessen your burden financially or otherwise

He's a great father who does no parenting

Come on op.

Beezknees · 11/09/2024 14:12

I'm a single parent who doesn't drive but I've set my life up in a way so that I don't need to drive. Non drivers need to do that.

Not doing anything around the house would be a deal breaker.

areallmotherslikethis · 11/09/2024 14:17

"DH does not drive and will not learn. Refuses and says it makes him too anxious. We have two young kids so I have to do all the nursery and school drops and pick ups.
He has a minimum wage job that he constantly complains about but will not job search at all or says he “needs to update his cv” but never will.
If he has the kids he never takes them anywhere, stays in all day and uses the excuse that he can’t drive.
Doesn’t do anything around the house, bar the bins and the occasional shoddy dishwasher stacking.
No interest in diy / house renovation."

This makes him a rubbish dad.

ABirdsEyeView · 11/09/2024 14:19

I've got sympathy with the not driving. Some people just aren't cut out for it and it's better they aren't on the roads tbh. But he should be pulling his weight in other areas - this means doing his share of the housework, entertaining the kids and actively caring for them - it's not enough to sit on the sofa and do nothing to actually look after them. And if you need ,ore money as a household then yes, he should be maximising his earning potential - the bills are his responsibility too and he cannot just abdicate that to you!

TwinklyAmberOrca · 11/09/2024 14:23

@clareblue6 Surely before you decided to have kids together you knew he had a minimum wage job that he had no intention of changing yet moaned about, and he didn't drive so wouldn't be able to help with nursery/school runs?

And I'm guessing pre-kids he only did the bins too??

He is quite happy to carry on just as he was by the sounds of it and perhaps he thinks he is having quality time at home with the kids so why does he need to take them out?!

He is definitely not my cup of tea but then I'd never bother with someone like that. If you want things to change and want better, then you need to have that conversation with him. It's unlikely he will be willing to change so you might need to think of the alternatives e.g. separation. Would that make you happier?

ForPearlViper · 11/09/2024 14:23

It is entirely his choice not to drive, not to change a job he doesn't like, not to pull his weight in the home or with the children. It is entirely his choice to ignore these adult responsibilities despite being part of a joint decision to have a family.

In this context, he is able continue living this life and make these choices because you run around doing everything. And that is your choice.

It is exceptionally unlikely he will change. So the ball is in your court. Maybe it's a sacrifice you feel is worth making because of everything else he brings to your life and your children's (which does appear minimal). Either way you have a decision to make. Find a way to learn to live with not wanting more or finish the relationship.

LostTheMarble · 11/09/2024 14:24

Sounds like my ex, bar he did get a better job. But it took me giving my full support, giving up work as it was intense full time training and I really believed in it meaning that it would work out because (like you) felt he was my best friend as well as my partner. Made me blind to just how unmotivated, lazy and unwilling to better himself and our environment he was. One day it was like a switch flicked and I got ‘the ick’. No going back from that, he thought I had changed into someone who always wanted lavish things, I thought we were on the same journey to want a better lifestyle. He just wanted a good job and thought everything else would magically work out - and if it stayed the same he didn’t really care anyway.

user47 · 11/09/2024 14:27

This is DH in terms of work, but he learned to drive when I told him it was irresponsible to love where we do and not drive when we had DC. He also does ALL the cooking and cleaning, including ironing. Your DH is not a good dad, he is an agreeable and slightly useless lodger, I would expect more from an adult son living at home.

Saintmariesleuth · 11/09/2024 14:29

I think the lack of general support around the house would be my biggest irritation. Overall he sounds exceptionally lazy.

You say that you feel you need more- can you put your finger on what that is? Support around the house? Support with the mental load? More excitement? Something else?

LostTheMarble · 11/09/2024 14:30

TwinklyAmberOrca · 11/09/2024 14:23

@clareblue6 Surely before you decided to have kids together you knew he had a minimum wage job that he had no intention of changing yet moaned about, and he didn't drive so wouldn't be able to help with nursery/school runs?

And I'm guessing pre-kids he only did the bins too??

He is quite happy to carry on just as he was by the sounds of it and perhaps he thinks he is having quality time at home with the kids so why does he need to take them out?!

He is definitely not my cup of tea but then I'd never bother with someone like that. If you want things to change and want better, then you need to have that conversation with him. It's unlikely he will be willing to change so you might need to think of the alternatives e.g. separation. Would that make you happier?

And I'm guessing pre-kids he only did the bins too??

I find this ‘you knew who he was pre kids’ argument to be a false fallacy. Pre kids most of us do a lot less chores/household admin than post children. As a woman I’d let more things slip than now I have children who deserve a better environment than a lazier single, child free adult living alone. Having kids sometimes is the eye opener of who can really move ahead as people and who wants to live a single person lifestyle whilst still having a family.

Bakingandcrying · 11/09/2024 14:30

Genuine question, is he ok? Everything you’re saying could just mean he’s an arsehole…it could also mean he’s actually quite depressed

BMW6 · 11/09/2024 14:31

He's a lousy father.

Nothing to do with not driving - that's irrelevant.

He does Nothing with them and is not helping in the house either, let alone doing minimal to bring in the ££££.

He's a lazy, self centred asshole and you are enabling him.

Wake up and see him for what he is - a waste of bloody space.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/09/2024 14:36

He doesn't take his kids to their childcare, school or activities.

He doesn't do his best to provide for them as much as he could

He doesn't take them anywhere for fun

He doesn't do anything to actually look after them (clean up after them, buy their clothes, organise their food, cook for them, tidy their toys, wash their clothes).

Why are you thinking that overall, he is a good father? It sounds like he contributes actually less than the bare minimum to family life.

Is there no other way he cab do the school runs (bike?)

SwiftiesVSLestat · 11/09/2024 14:36

How is he your best friend?

He doesn’t pull his weight at home. Doesn’t do things with the children alone.

Doesn’t seem to have a motivation. Surely everyone would benefit if he could get a better paid job (I assume he can, since you believe he could with a bit of effort).

He doesn’t sound like a fully functioning adult or parent. He can’t keep the house running without you. Wouldn’t be able to do anything with the kids without you. He needs you to do the leg work on everything.

That’s not how best friends treat eachother.

What would happen if you were hospitalised or worse? Would he never go anywhere with the kids, never take them to school? Never clean the house or do the washing?

He isn’t supporting you as an equal adult in the household.

angellinaballerina7 · 11/09/2024 14:37

I couldn’t be dealing with him. I just can’t see what he’s bringing to the table, other than he sounds pleasant company - it’s not enough.

Tophelleborine · 11/09/2024 14:39

He sounds really pathetic and he's dragging you all down - it will only get worse. Children deserve parents who can be bothered to make the effort to have fun and do interesting things with them - doesn't have to be car based but that's just a weak excuse anyway. I'd get rid personally.

LoopyLou67 · 11/09/2024 14:40

Everything would put me off.

Except the lack of driving: he just needs to use public transport and that’s on him. I sympathise with anyone who’s genuinely anxious about driving, it’s nothing to do with laziness - travelling on multiple methods of public transport often takes longer, and the responsibility being in charge of a vehicle on the road is huge for some. It’s not for everyone but there’s some weird expectation out there that everyone needs to learn to drive.