Would you be able to see past this?

[clareblue6]

DH does not drive and will not learn. Refuses and says it makes him too anxious. We have two young kids so I have to do all the nursery and school drops and pick ups.
He has a minimum wage job that he constantly complains about but will not job search at all or says he “needs to update his cv” but never will.
If he has the kids he never takes them anywhere, stays in all day and uses the excuse that he can’t drive.
Doesn’t do anything around the house, bar the bins and the occasional shoddy dishwasher stacking.
No interest in diy / house renovation.

But, we are best friends, get on very well and have a great rapport. He is a great father and the kids love him. We enjoy each other's company and love being all together as a family.

I just feel I need more. aibu?

Best friends? A best friend who is such a lazy fucker who lets you do everything? How on earth did your bar get that low that you settled for this.

Not driving is fine, there is public transport. But you, you are a fool and he knows it.

Yeah sorry I have to agree with the others - how can be a great father when he contributes fuck all to the household and doesn't take the kids anywhere?

And how can he be your best friend when he does absolutely nothing to help you? Form the fact you have posted you clearly resent him and are unhappy - not sure that's really a great sign of family life and best friends to be honest...

He's a loser
Why did you marry him?

You need better friends if that's how the best one carrys on.

A great dad wouldn't do what you have described. He may be a good friend to you, but that doesn't make him a good dad.

My DH does everything he can to make my life easier or better.

He's still in Lazy teenager mode.
Do you really want one of those as a partner and Father of your DC?
I certainly wouldn't

No, I would not be happy at all having to do all the children related driving because he couldn't be bothered.

My DH can't drive due to a medical condition and it is annoying being the only driver, but it's not his fault. I'd be really annoyed if he voluntarily was making all of that my job.

@clareblue6

FWIW, my DP does the following:

Works full time in a very physically demanding job, pushes himself for promotions and payrises to support his family.
Cooks dinner for us every night and washes the dishes afterwards.
Drops the dogs at daycare in the morning and picks them up after work.
All DIY / home improvements.
All car related tasks (filling up washer fluid, Ad Blue, tyre pressures, valeting)
We both drive but he does most of the weekend and holiday driving despite doing a lot more mileage during the week.
He also puts washes on, hangs them out, changes the bedding, puts the bins out.....

I probably get the better end of this deal (!) as in return I -
Do the food shopping
Clean the house
Tidy the garden (ish!)
Feed the dogs and sort all stuff related to them (vets, food etc)
Manage all bills / bank account
Take care of all arrangements / book holidays etc.

He has always said that if he can have someone running his life (he hates any admin or financial stuff😂) that he is happy to do everything else in return so that's the deal we struck and it works for us. We both walk the dogs, drive DSD around and have our own hobbies too.

Obviously every couple is different but come on, there's got to be at least some equality for it to be a successful, functioning relationship, surely?!

And also, how can you even find a man attractive who does absolutely fuck all?!?!?!

This!

He's not a great father. He's a lazy fuck.

If he's your best friend I'd hate to meet your worst.

Um, what? I live with my partner and we don't have kids, and we each have our own chores we're responsible for. We don't just live like slobs because we don't have kids, we also want to come home to a nice looking house.

Yes we do fewer chores overall because we don't have kids throwing spaghetti around or spilling milk or leaving toys everywhere.

But his chores are: emptying the bin and the recycling, putting the bins out and taking them back in on the correct days, vacuuming, mopping the kitchen floor, physically organising and paying the bills and letting me know how much I owe, buying and collecting takeaways at weekends, cooking the evening meal week days, soaking pans and roasters after use, telling me what needs to go on the shopping list for the meals he's cooking, spider catching (!), cleaning the extractor fans, and calling people if we need jobs doing. He also does all his own laundry and is responsible for keeping his hobby room clean and tidy.

Neither of us drives. But we live in a city because neither of us drives.

How is he a great father? They are still quite small, but it won't be long before you need to be taking them to activities etc, and with that age gap, ideally there will be a divide and conquer approach. So he needs to be able to do that - whether that's walking, public transport, or bus.

But putting aside the not driving thing, if he can't/won't drive, why can't he take them to the park? When he's at home with them is he actually engaging - helping with homework, playing in the garden, doing crafts? I will put. money on him not doing any of the other bits that can be done from home - engaging with the school, booking appointments, online shopping for clothes/uniform/other randomshit etc etc etc.

and as for you, while he's at home with them all the time, why can't he do some chores or make dinner?

As @GladBlueSlug says, my DH tries to make my life easier. He doesn't earn very much money, but he steps up in other ways. And the same is true for me to him. It has to be two way.

Sorry I pressed the wrong bloody one!!

YANBU!! I wouldn’t put up with that.

Would I see past it? Knowing me probably yes. Because he's not done anything catastrophic I'd plod along miserable missing out on a life full of freedom and fun because it would be easier than leaving. And I'd probably regret it, resent him and leave once my children were gone and I'd wasted my best years mothering a man child.

In answer to you question OP, no I couldn't see past this AT ALL.

I’m not saying ‘living like a slob’, but having kids is so much more than emptying the bin, cooking for two and the washing up that comes with that. You have to be on the ball 24/7 thinking about meeting their needs. It’s really not comparable to two child free adults living together, throw kids into the mix and things can become unbalanced fairly quickly.

It usually happens over the first year of having a child, when typically the mum is on mat leave. Because she’s not out of the home working for a while, what was a balanced two adult household becomes more of ‘her job’, along with now caring for a child and the extra that comes with that. Many times the balance isn’t readjusted and it’s only after having the children and somehow slipping into this ‘new normal’ that you look back and wonder how the fuck your past life pre kids became this unwanted tradwife situation.

God no, I couldn’t live like that. Lazy as fuck.

How is a great father when he does nothing for his kids? If you were as ‘great’ a parent as he is, the kids likely wouldn’t be alive.

Wow. He sounds exceptionally lazy and selfish. Mind boggling. You deserve better. x

You are living with a lazy, selfish user and you call him your best friend? Time to up your standards, OP.

He's a lazy arse.
Stay as long as suits you but long I would be making plans to co parent.

Lazy arses are not great fathers.

Your best friend? Would your best friend watch you run round like a tit in a trance whilst sitting on her arse doing bugger all? Mine wouldn't.

Make a list, what does he do....like actually do.....to make your life easier.
What do you love about him.

I had this with a friend of mine a few weeks ago. She was moaning about her partner like she has for years and I asked why she was with him and she said because she loves him. I asked her what she loved about him......she couldn't come up with one single thing, not one.

Time to start asking yourself some harsh questions OP.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. He needs to pull his weight. I would feel so drained being with somebody like that OP