Do some mums just not like working?

[Dragontooth]

I know this sounds awful, and judgey but I'm trying to understand. I am not a benefit basher and I used to be on benefits, also a single parent.
I'm on a lot of 'being skint' forums, I was on UC but now I have quite a lot of experience in various things so I like to try to help.
There are a number of mums who were previously on legacy benefits who are terrified by UC and the work search appointments. Lots who are unemployed and some who do very part time jobs, 10 hours or less.
I don't understand why they are so resistant to finding work or better paid work. Having been on benefits, it is a horrible existence. I was paid £850 per month. Clearly it would only take a MW part time job to make me so much better off. And they pay for childcare/ holiday club.
It literally changes your life. You can pay for things to have a better, easier life like driving lessons. Not only that but you are back in the work place so it's not such a shock when your children leave home.
I feel these women are so anxious, they can't see how their lives could look with more money/ options. Not only that but a lot of them have their heads in the sand about retirement, will we even get a state pension? Then there's the fact that it's so much harder getting back into employment after five or ten years out, I think that's what UC wants to avoid. I'm not saying it's a kind or person centred system but in reality is taking years out of the workplace really in these women's best interests either?
Disability/ disabled children obviously excluded.

I can forget to pay my bills for a few months and it just goes over my head. It’s like living on the edge lol

I've been lucky to work through raising both children. I've been able to build my career and have stability for the last 25 years. Going back to work at 6 months with each child.

I was flexible as was my employer. I was allowed to work part time school hours when they were old enough to each school age. Not everyone has that flexibility. It was still hard when they were sick but my husband and I shared the care - he would work the first half of the day and I'd then go in for the afternoon. We had no family help. The costs for nursery fees for both children was ridiculous but it was something we had to do.

I feel for those struggling to get back after having time off but it was not something I wanted.

I had this issue at one point and with the help of a support worker I got everything set up as direct debits and anything in arrears she helped me set up a debt plan with each one individually as going through a place like stepchange they wanted to consider my PIP disposable income to pay debts when it is already set aside for care needs etc so she helped me by calling each one once I’d given consent for her to do that on my behalf

If I needed more support I wouldn’t hesitate to ask social services for an assessment as they have been nothing but helpful to me in the past and I would be confident they’d support . With my first they did parenting assessments and I saw them a few times plus the HV was amazing I felt very supported and never judged .

I think some people don't want to work. Some people want to sacrifice to be with their kids. Some people want to work but are scared of putting their kids in childcare for either the experience or the expense. Some people have no family support so the hours simply can't fit round school pick ups/drop offs and the costs of after-school and holiday clubs are scary. Some people also don't want to have their kids in school and care that long in the day.

But yes, I think some just don't want to. In the same way some don't want to stay at home.

I’d love you to make your own thread about your experiences and all the help you get and how you manage.

I know many women who will have another baby and keep doing this, just so they don’t have to work.

For some it’s definitely pure laziness.

But for many it’s probably anxiety and the worry of being around other adults etc.

There’s probably also the worry of having to work but continuing to do everything at home too.

I assume most SAHMs are quite conscious about putting on weight or aging and spend time during the day to exercise, dress nicely etc and perhaps are worried about their DHs leaving them if they’re coming home exhausted and less pristine.

There are also many men who don’t like their wives working because they don’t like them having their own identities.
It may not be talked about or very obvious to the outside world but the wife is probably aware that it could cause issues between them.

I don’t judge SAHPs (even though I think they’re mad because I enjoy working and it worries me that they don’t have their own finances).

But I do judge ‘housewives/house husbands’ because I think these people are lazy and spongers.

Rightly or wrongly I think this is always the best tried and tested method of getting a job anywhere, especially when you are first starting out.
We didn't have any Tesco connections lol - it didn't matter as there were other jobs, but my point was MN just sees that type of work as being unskilled and easy to walk into at anytime.

I don’t think I could cope with any negative comments though I’ve had a few here and it does hurt as I’ve been through a lot and I’m not very resilient when it comes to criticism

Supply chains are critical, as you've quite rightly shown. I was naively ignorant about how crucial they are until I was a journalist on a trade magazine for the logistics and supply chain industries. I think probably most people grossly underestimate, or possibly don't think about the impact and significance that logistics and supply chains actually have.

Absolutely, but we have got ourselves into a mess with "just in time" supply chains and over consumerism on a global level. We import mounds of unnecessary crap from China, destroying the environment in the process, yet we are at risk of food shortages in the future. Our priorities are all wrong.

I’m a working mother who loves her job BUT I absolutely hate the fact that society is now at a point where women are expected to give birth then trot off back to work. I hate the fact that women now have to work to be comfortable. I think it’s wrong. I think it should be within society that we are paid enough and house prices are low enough that women or men should be able to be stay at home parenting they want to. I know a lot of women who would like to do this but they can’t and they hate being separated from the children they want to raise. I think we’ve fucked up massively along the way.

@Choochoo21 "I know many women who will have another baby and keep doing this, just so they don’t have to work.

For some it’s definitely pure laziness."

It's well known that it's much easier caring full time for lots of small children on a tiny income than it is sitting behind a desk or checkout at work. 🙄

Feminism was always supposed to be about giving women a choice (and men too), but it seems to have gone so far the other way. My sil had to put her 6mth old in nursery, she was heartbroken and ended up being signed off work with OCD and depression.
I did use some paid childcare, but couldn't have done it at 6mths. I'm lucky and grateful that I didn't have to. I know the responses will be grow up and suck it up. But it shouldn't be like that.

I’m on UC, soon to be off it and I can’t wait. People see it as free money but I’d rather have my own money any day. When you’re on UC, even for the most genuine reasons, you don’t feel like you’re in control of your life, having to explain yourself to your work coach etc. I’ve been very lucky as my work coaches have been lovely but I’ll feel like I’ve been freed from prison when I’m off it.

"Most" mums were not at home in the 70s. Working class ones weren't. My grandmother and great grandmother worked.

Absolutely, but you see it on here all the time - stay at home mothers are bashed for a variety of reasons. I don’t agree with it, I think we should have a society where there is the option to stay at home during those early years and raise your children if you feel that’s what is best. I am also lucky as I worked part time from home during the initial years so could fit it in as and when. I would have been a mess to be separated from my child that early, your poor SIL. It’s too much pressure these days, you have to be an amazing worker, amazing mother, amazing wife and amazing cook, clean and everything else. Of course your pattern should do 50/50 but many don’t so women are more stretched and stressed than ever.

We’ve messed up I think, and the latest free childcare hours are designed to get more mothers back into work earlier so it will only get worse.

Still find it hard to understand how this is allowed to happen indefinitely

Why can't they work, it shouldn't be a choice

If they were still in Poland would they be able to do this?

@Beezknees

Yes dgm worked as did my dm.

DPs are mc but she worked in the 70s

I do! I just want proper choices for women. And for mums who choose to look after their children full time to be properly valued.

I would like proper choices for families.

Exactly. The free hours look like the help on the surface but long term it just makes things so much worse for everyone. It also oppresses and puts more and more strain on women trying to do it all.
The more you earn the more you spend, consume and consume and consume. The more people earn the more house prices go up and then people have no choice but to work more and earn more.
This results in the above stories were babies are being put in full time care and seperated from their mum who desperately doesn’t want that but feels they have to. Awful.

Grew up on a council estate. Mine didn't work until the eldest was 5 and then she had years of drudgery. She worked full time, most of my friend's mums either didn't work or worked part time. We were passed around relatives for childcare, some of them were very disapproving and we pretty much became latchkey kids at 8 or 9. It wasn't really how I wanted my kids to grow up. It certainly wasn't common for WC mums to work in the 70s and early 80s in my experience. It wasn't always a good thing either, it wasn't uncommon for mums to sport a blackeye or two, but leaving was never an option. My Dad was an alcoholic and I'm pretty sure mum would have left if she'd had more options, but even a full time job didn't give her that.

My dm was a teacher so that helped. Dgm was wc and very pro education and made sure dm stayed at school etc

Absolutely, god knows where it will end. My friend lived in Spain and she said babies often go into care before 3 months old so mums can go back to work. That care may be with grandparents or it may be a nursery place, but under 3 months is awful, for some maybe they’re happy, but many women don’t want to be separated from their children when they’re so small.
We’re sleep walking into many crises in this world and I think this is yet another. But should a woman say she doesn’t want it, she wants to stay at home and raise her children then she is admonished and stripped down, and people demand to know what will happen when he husband leaves her or cheats and she has no money. Instead, maybe we should be looking at a situation where if a woman has been raising children and not earning then she is supporting properly financially, CMS payments are removed from wages directly and so on. Instead we just point the finger at women all over again and she is left to suffer. It’s all wrong. We don’t value women.

And yes, before anyone tries to criticise, I support stay at home dads too.