Ghosting a good friend because of grossness

[Woopdoggysycamosiy]

I don't like ghosting- had it done to me and I've done it to others but never a good friend. However, I now find myself gradually distancing from a friend who is great in every way...apart from she really grosses me out! I know this sounds very childish and like I should get over it but it really affects my wanting to spend time with her. Basically she will sit there scratching her ear, then inspect whatever has come out of it, then flick it away! Sometimes onto my sofa or floor. Or she scratches her head, pulls off a scabby bit, pulls it out of her hair then flicks that away. Her fingernails are filthy. Apart from that she is the loveliest person and fun to be with until I started noticing this and it's constant. I mean, every time I see her. What do I do?

Good friends are precious- get over it (and here's how...)= you are being unreasonable

Yep- that's disgusting and I'm going to suggest what to do about it = you are not being unreasonable

Has she always been this way? I imagine she has so what changed for you?

I get it's gross. I'm just curious what flipped it when habits like this tend to be ingrained and don't just pop up.

Ugh that's made me feel sick 😞If she's a good friend, can't you talk to her about her revolting personal habits?

If a good friend of mine did this I would absolutely say ' ah man, what you doing? I just saw that blob of ear wax fly off your finger ' and we'd laugh. I'd expect the same.

Why don’t you just say something next time she does it?

Very good friend of mine had an issue with really stinky feet a few years ago and it used to make me gag when she came in my house and took her shoes off and the smell lingered in my carpets once she had gone. It really was vile. I told her about it - politely - but asked her was she aware of the smell from her feet.

I would mention it in a light-hearted way. Or meet in cafes so it's not your problem.

I wouldn't ghost a good friend unless for a serious misdemeanor, it's cruel. You could wreck her self-esteem, you should either talk to her or tolerate it.

Why would you jump to ghosting instead of having a conversation like an adult? Stopping talking to someone without even having the courtesy to say why is incredibly childish and rude. You've been at the receiving end, you should know this.

I'm not cool or grown up enough to have a conversation about it. She's a good friend but I can't imagine saying this to her and it going well. I'm scared of hurting her feeling or going for a 'light hearted' tone but not managing it 😂 and it coming out just as if I'm totally disgusted by it. Which I am.

Grow up. It’s so cowardly to ghost.

Ghosting is despicable.

Agreed. What would you actually honestly do in this situation though? I'm sure you can think of a friend of yours who, if you called them out on this, would be mortified. Can't quite imagine the 'oh yeah, we'd both laugh about it HA ha' outcome.

If it was me, next time she did it I would honestly just say 'mate thats gross. You have got to stop doing that.' That'd be enough for anyone of my close friends to nip it in the bud. Dont ghost her, it's cruel.

You are scared of hurting her feelings??? But willing to ghost her which is cruel???

Seriously, ghosting is awful. You don't care about her feelings if you're considering it.

Just meet her outside of your house, has she always done this though or is it new because it could be a sign of OCD or anxiety and ghosting someone that's already struggling with life seems really extra cruel.

Just sneeze into your hands when you're at her house then wipe it on her sofa.

If she looks horrified then just point out she's always picking her ears and flicking bits everywhere so you didn't think she'd mind...

I've just visited an old friend and thought "oh no is that me??!"

I honestly don't think I'd pick and flick scabs or earwax, that is a bit gross - I know I'm guilty of pissing about with my hair though, I have a lot of hair fall and I'm constantly pulling out strands which float to the floor. 😬

So what would my oldest friend have said if I was grossing her out, that my fragile ego could stand to hear...hmm. She'd probably give a blast of a laugh, pull a mock-disgusted face, say "fuck's sake mate stop spreading your revolting DNA all over my carpets you freak" and I'd have laughed, been a bit shamefaced, said "Christ sorry mum" and then I'd have been a bit more mindful.

I'd be heartbroken if she ghosted me. Seriously, some people with grotty habits don't realise they're a bit grotty until someone says something...

Ghosting is cruel and cowardly.

You're prepared to actually ghost her though. And I imagine you've talked to lots of other people behind her back about it.

It's much less harmful to find a way to actually raise it. You can say you have a very strong gag reflex and you know it's your thing but when you do that I feel like I might actually be sick' If you said that straight after the next gross act then just see how it goes. You're prepared to ghost but can't do this? Come on.

I'm going to massively generalise but I actually appreciate the way men can just outwardly say things to each other without all this bitchiness and cowardice behind the scenes. Yes I'm prepared to be shredded for saying that!

My mum was saying recently that with these types of antisocial habits we often think people don’t notice but they do! I am guilty of scratching my head/ clicking my knuckles but since she said that I do try & stop myself. So your friend may think you don’t notice though I have to say I’m not sure how I would confront this either. With the knuckle cracking I’ve had people saying that the noise makes them cringe but it’s more difficult with picking & flicking!

You have a choice between short term embarrassment (telling her) or long term upset (ghosting). Sometimes we have to put our big girl panties on and have those difficult conversations.
Sometimes those habits, as gross as they are, can be a sign of severe anxiety. When I had post natal anxiety, I scratched my head until it bled, and then picked the scabs off again and again, my nails looked filthy from dried blood, i now have bald patches due to the scaring. I guess it was a form of self harm to try to distract from my inner distress. If your friend is going through a tough time, please support her. And if its purely a habit, then gently tell her it bothers you.

Thanks for actually acknowledging this is a tricky situation😂 Thanks also so so much to those who have simply stated how awful ghosting is. Super helpful. Really- thanks so much. I haven't spoken to anyone apart from you lot about this because as I said, she's a good friend. Has anyone had anything like this before and feel like they dealt with it well? I'm looking for real life advice for a real life issue here.

Could you just meet her in public? At least the pickings aren't going in your furniture and she's more likely to behave than indoors maybe? I wouldn't ghost over this. If it continues you could try and work up to commenting in the moment. Passing a tissue? I accept people suggest on good faith being forthright but it's not always easy.

OP, you haven't mentioned if has always done this, or its a new/worse behaviour?
How to speak with her best may depend on this

Seriously, ghosting is awful. You don't care about her feelings if you're considering it.

I agree with this. To ghost someone is cowardly and horrible. You would leave her always wondering what happened. I can't imagine why you would put someone else through that sort of confusion and hurt.

Sometimes you have to be a grown up and tell the truth. If you're considering ghosting her and therefore never speaking to her again anyway it really would be better to at least tell her why.

Not sure if she's always done this or I've just started noticing it. I'm very squeamish (sensory issues I'm sure of it) so it probably affects me more. Maybe I have OCD?