Ghosting a good friend because of grossness

[Woopdoggysycamosiy]

I don't like ghosting- had it done to me and I've done it to others but never a good friend. However, I now find myself gradually distancing from a friend who is great in every way...apart from she really grosses me out! I know this sounds very childish and like I should get over it but it really affects my wanting to spend time with her. Basically she will sit there scratching her ear, then inspect whatever has come out of it, then flick it away! Sometimes onto my sofa or floor. Or she scratches her head, pulls off a scabby bit, pulls it out of her hair then flicks that away. Her fingernails are filthy. Apart from that she is the loveliest person and fun to be with until I started noticing this and it's constant. I mean, every time I see her. What do I do?

Good friends are precious- get over it (and here's how...)= you are being unreasonable

Yep- that's disgusting and I'm going to suggest what to do about it = you are not being unreasonable

I couldn't have someone in my home who did either of those things. It's disgusting imo

If you simply can't tell her that she has gross habits, don't see her in your home any more. Meet somewhere else

Thing is.....ghosting her is cruel

Telling her the truth might seem cruel and embarrassing to your friend, but at least you're being truthful and not cruel

If you lose her as a friend by being truthful, it's the same result as ghosting 🤷‍♀️

Sounds utterly disgusting. Yes, I would have problem with this. I have psoriasis and am acutely aware of flaking and do my utmost to ensure that I don't leave little piles of skin in other people's houses - I would expect the same consideration from other people and would be horrified if they were flicking scabs and snot about.

Ghosting is cruel - but the alternative is being honest, which may make your friend feel equally wretched (unless, of course, she doesn't care about her personal hygiene and it's water off a duck's back). It's up to you to decide what your friendship might bear and if you should point this out to her.

I think it’s best to be honest …and as kind as possible.

As soon as you see that she has started doing it stop what you are talking about and say oh yes that reminds me…Jane I’ve noticed you seem to be dealing with an ear and scalp problem…are you ok….what is it exactly …have you seen the doctor about it.
If she tries to minimise it, say …no I’m really concerned about it Jane …quite apart from it being an unpleasant thing for your friends to have to deal with, there’s a risk of infection so please think about seeing the doctor…promise me you will try to get it sorted….it must really bother you.

If she ignores your advice, then it’s ok not to have her in your house again and only meet her more infrequently in the pub or cafe or for a walk or something.
But hopefully, you can help her break the horrid habit.

I would say this (and I know this is my language and not yours, but here goes):

"Mary, you know when you pick your ears or whatever and flick in on the floor? Can you not do it because it makes me feel really ill?"

It's either that (saying something), ghosting, or continuing to be grossed out.
Those are the choices.

I’d maybe go down the route of it’s better you saying it than an employer or a partner etc and see it as doing her a favour.

Laura,

Awkward conversation coming, but I love you to death so would rather be the one that says it. I’ve noticed you picking at your hair and ears and I’m absolutely sure that either you believe you’re doing it subtly or maybe you don’t actually realise, but I’ve noticed it a lot recently and if I’ve noticed it I’m sure other peoplr have and would hate for you to be in an uncomfortable position..

I'm a picker and flicker. It's a disgusting habit and I know it is, but I just love picking out ear wax or anything that I feel shouldn't be there.

However, I'd only do it in my home. The next time she comes over and you catch her doing it, say something like "mate, do that in your own home but not in my house, thanks". Short and to the point.

Would you like a cotton bud? Great you go find the bit that flicked into my carpet and I’ll go get the buds!

I would tell her before you write her off and ghost her.

What have you got to lose? And she might realise, and your friendship be saved.

If a friend is good to me, kind to me, funny to me, gracious to me, compassionate to me…… but was, how you put it a bit ‘gross’…. I’d have more time for her than any cleanly goddess who was shit to me!

All these suggested attempts to be tactful and 'kind' make me cringe, and I'd feel far worse being in the receiving end of them, then if a friend just said "ew... get a tissue or something!"

My best friend used to sneeze into his hands and then wipe them on his trousers!!!! I'm the most socially awkward people pleaser you could come across, but I still managed (eventually!) to say "ew! What did you just do?" And he doesn't do it any more.

Don’t ghost her and it sounds as if you don’t want to lose her as a friend.
Next time she does it, pass her a tissue and ask her to use it instead of flicking/wiping.
If she hasn’t realised she does it, which is probably the case, she’ll be super aware and hopefully stop.
If she continues, then make a comment like “oh my god, you’re still flicking, it’s not pleasant you know”

To give another perspective she might not realise she is doing it - I have bad ear and scalp psoriasis and pick both these areas as a habit - she may have a habit and not realise where she is doing it - maybe ask her if it’s a health condition. It’s a very horrible thing to have and painful and embarrassing.

It doesn't have to be "breezy" or end in giggles. You seem unwilling to feel a few minutes of discomfort in order to deal with this. It sounds like this is more of a concern than hurting her as obviously ghosting will hurt her over a prolonged period. That's not a criticism as much as pointing out something you might not realise.

I'd hope she is simply having these personal ticks/habits that she does when relaxed. Like I might pick my nose, inspect it, then put in the bin Not flick away! But only at home with family, not guests. Unless I was outdoors and alone.

She should use a tissue if she's in company.
She may have allergies/skin issues.
Some MH issues make people a bit funny about cleaning?

But other than just saying, 'yuck, please do that in the bathroom/here's a tissue' I'm not sure what else you can do.

Does she work with animals/ in farming? Dirty nails seems a bit off on someone who's not working with a lot of muck.

It's not unreasonable you feel that way, but I'd try and see if I could stop her doing it so much before fully terminating the friendship.

I wouldn't care if she was mortified. Id ask her to stop doing it. You don't have to be cool or grown up to say this to her. Although I'm sure you are a grown up so not sure why you think you aren't.

I had a similar issue with a friend who had really bad body odour. I couldn't bring myself to have the conversation with her but others were talking about her behind her back. I typed a kind, anonymous letter and sent it to her house. She never had body odour again.

You need to tell her. Nothing to loose if u going to ghost her anyway.

Have a box of tissues at your house. When did sits down, tell her, please use a tissue & keep it in your pocket if you are going to pick scabs or bits out of your hair. I don’t want your scabs around my house. (Smile)

My first flat, one night, watching TV, tested my head on the arm & noticed arm of my sofa stunk of body odor. Similar to Prince Andrew … I barely perspire so I know it wasn’t me. Spray upholstery cleaner fixed it.

Realised the next weekend, my friend, fond of sleeveless tops was hanging her arm over the arm of my sofa, her pit right on the arm.
Just told her … hey, don’t do that, it’s making my sofa smell like your armpit!! Both laughed, and she didn’t do it again.

I wouldn't go for light hearted, I'd go for honest.

"Sorry friend, this is really awkward but it's been bothering me a lot. I've noticed that you pick at your skin or your ear and flick it way. It might just be me but I really dislike when people do that in my house. Please could you stop / put it in a tissue / can we meet at cafes if you can't break the habit (insert whatever outcome would make you comfortable continuing the friendship)."

This is something men seem to find far easier than women.

Last time I caught a mate picking his nose in my house I just said "Dave, you better be about to eat that because If I catch you flicking it anywhere..."

To the point, embarrassing but unlikely to cause offence because we all know we'd all happily jump on each other if we caught them doing similar.

I can't imagine ever needing to ghost a friend because of a gross habit, because it would get dealt with very quickly and we'd move on.

Eurgh, very sad, but I’d feel the same. That’s a tricky one to deal with. Maybe next time say do you mind when she does that. When she asks what you mean, tell her it’s grossing you out. Be direct, if she’s a good friend, she may feel embarrassed but get the message.

Don't ghost her.
If she's a good friend she will be really hurt and always wonder what she did wrong
Next time she does it I would ask if she would like a tissue
If she says why? I'd say I'd noticed she keeps picking
I don't think it's rude, if you say it lightly
She might not realise she's doing it

You are scared of hurting her feeling yet you would ghost^^ her?

It's not her feelings you are scared of. You are scared of witnessing her friends. It's all about you not her

Gosh! I'm wondering if this is my mum. Do they have a relative you know would be willing to raise it on your/their behalf?

Some people are odd about this. My mum is the loveliest person you'll ever meet. There for everyone to her detriment. However, she wears flip flops but has the worst feet I've ever seen and has black grime behind her nails. Her house is frankly vile. Somehow, there is always someone round. I've told her a thousand times but the problem is me in her eyes so you may find the time and confidence to tell her but it could fall on deaf ears. Get support.

How horrible.
An anonymous letter is not kind, whatever you typed.
Just enabled you to be a coward while she was left wondering who, suspecting everyone.

Wow the amount of judgemental comments! She CLEARLY has a skin picking disorder. You have the option to be heartless like everyone else on here, or you can support her through it.