Ghosting a good friend because of grossness

[Woopdoggysycamosiy]

I don't like ghosting- had it done to me and I've done it to others but never a good friend. However, I now find myself gradually distancing from a friend who is great in every way...apart from she really grosses me out! I know this sounds very childish and like I should get over it but it really affects my wanting to spend time with her. Basically she will sit there scratching her ear, then inspect whatever has come out of it, then flick it away! Sometimes onto my sofa or floor. Or she scratches her head, pulls off a scabby bit, pulls it out of her hair then flicks that away. Her fingernails are filthy. Apart from that she is the loveliest person and fun to be with until I started noticing this and it's constant. I mean, every time I see her. What do I do?

Good friends are precious- get over it (and here's how...)= you are being unreasonable

Yep- that's disgusting and I'm going to suggest what to do about it = you are not being unreasonable

I know you're right but I can't find the words/facial expression to put on to make it breezy enough to move on from. Who are you people who can say these things to your friends?? You're probably older than me (better at these things) Can you just script it for please?

I don't think anyone would be keen on watching this.
I would start the conversation around enquiring if she is OK, that you have noticed some changes and just wanted to check in with her, as you want to support her, but that you are also struggling with it yourself. Or you can tease her about it gently, depending on the kind of friendship you have, but try not to shame her. Make it about you 'I struggle with this' and not about her, don't say 'you are gross'.

It's not having OCD. It's just not being gross!!
Next time she does it, say "do you want a tissue for that?" It would really gross me out too. Does she do it in public?

Sometimes people just start a habit and don't realise it's gross - either their own family used to do it at home so it seemed normal, or they've gradually "forgotten" it's not socially acceptable... one of my closest friends had a rather disgusting habit that I randomly noticed one day and then couldn't stop seeing ... I couldn't contain myself and had to tell him. He never did it again and we never spoke of it again. Still the best of friends!

Ah, I think she’s got seborrheic dermatitis. I had a boss (male) who had it inside his ears and on his scalp and had similar habits in the office. It’s quite compulsive to pick at it. It didn’t gross me out, I just wanted him to get treatment, he could definitely afford to see a dermatologist.

So you think that ghosting this 'good friend' will hurt her less than you getting your shit together and having a chat with her? Lucyccfc68's suggestion was perfect.

It could be anxiety or similar, and the lack of awareness suggests it’s crept up over a long time, which might be why you’re suddenly noticing it now.

It could also be that she has some form of skin irritation, which scabby bits in her hair suggest. So you could also approach it from that angle, and ask her if she’s suffering from increased skin irritation as she seems so uncomfortable. Make her discomfort your key concern rather than your reaction. It may be that she’s put up with it to this point, but realising how often she does it might be the point she seeks help. And if it’s just grossness then she’s got an easy out to stop it without feeling shame.

I think this is a good angle.

I’d be saying ‘Laura, please could you not do that? It’s making me feel sick, sorry, you know how squeamish I am’. Make it about you, not her, if you don’t want to offend, but omg, I’d literally be heaving, I can’t cope with people doing similar.

I have a sensitive gag reflex, am extremely travel sick on boats, no idea if it’s all related, but even reading this is making me feel ill. I’m genuinely amazed that anyone would do this in company. 🤮

I agree it's about making it about you. Even though it's totally ok to feel grossed out! But making it about you makes it much easier to say with less offence.

You could say you've developed a very strong gag reflex to things. I get really grossed out about bodily things and I actually think I could be sick. I don't know what's going on with me. When I see someone pick their ear like that it makes me gag so much'

Because you don't have the relationship to joke about it I can't think of another less hurtful way.

Ive got one that was worse.
An old friend that would pick his nose and wipe it on his trousers.
Didn't even care where he was or who was there.
I just stopped talking.
He done other disgusting things.
But I just couldn't deal with it it was disgusting I woul almost throw up.
I just don't have the stomach for it.
Lovely bloke bad habits.
20 years on no regrets.

It's worse to ghost.
It's easily done, I was in the car today and have very itchy ear canals probably a peri thing. I had stuck my finger in and didn't realise until I looked at my finger I was horrified at myself. Must be subconscious. Also a very itchy head due to allergies, carry around anti histamines. I wonder how many friends have ghosted me due to my subconscious quirks. It really hurts to be ghosted. I would rather be physically beaten up. Please talk to her, if you value her friendship. You can say it nicely, you don't have to say you're really gross, next time you flick ear wax in my living space, I will flick you back so hard not even Google will find you. Really don't say that though.

I also have a kind lovely friend who picks her nose. In public. I don't think she realises she's doing it...

"Hey "Jane",

You are one of my dearest friends and I adore you, but my OCD is getting worse as I get older and I am really struggling with things like picking of ears/heads. I've had to bring this up with a few friends and because you are so important to me, I never want something stupid to affect our friendship.
This is fully my issue, and it's a bit like misophonia of the eyeballs hehe.
I hope you understand and don't mind me being honest with you.
I am also asking everyone who visits to wash their hands on arrival so we can fully relax and enjoy each other's company".
...........................

I've got a few friends who request random things and have sent similar messages. E.g one likes everyone to bring socks to wear instead of bare feet and the other asks for hands to be washed too. It's no big deal and I value their friendship enough to do as they ask.

@RedheadedSoulStealer I really like that. It's the kindest and most thoughtful way to make the point really clearly without any confusion or room for interpreting it any other way!

Could you say something along the lines of 'Linda, I've noticed lately that you're constantly picking at your ears, and your scalp, have you developed some sort of condition that's bothering you?' Hopefully this would open the door to some sort of conversation, where you could point her to her GP for a check up, or you could tell her about 'someone else' you know who really grosses you out, because they pick at scabs and flick the bits all over the place, and then there's the bloke at work who picks his nose and wipes it under his desk, then ask her if you have any bad habits that she's noticed, and finds unpleasant. Hopefully she'll take the hint, but if not, you're just going to have to come out and tell her.

OR

Could you say you've noticed recently that you've become hyper sensitive to people's weird or offensive habits, and while you don't want to upset her, could she stop picking at her ears, etc, and then flicking the bits around the room, as it's not a very nice habit, then quickly go on to ask her if you do anything that grosses her out.

In your shoes though, I'd just make a joke out of it, and next time you see her digging out her ears, say something like 'Crikey Linda, you'll be down to Australia in a minute, I hope you're not gonna flick that dirt all over my carpet / furniture, I've only just cleaned up!'

Honestly, truly, I think it’s much worse and will be more awkward, embarrassing and hard to move past if you frame it as an ever-so-tactful thing or sound like you’ve given it loads of thought.

It will be a million times easier to put behind you, and less miserable for either of you to look back on later, if you can tackle it directly with a bit of humour and affectionate outrage. Like something along the lines suggested by @Shmee1988 or @FatBuccaneer above.

In my own words I would probably, the second she starts to do it again, just break off from whatever else I was saying (or interrupt what she was saying) and be like, ‘oi! you know I love you but absolutely STOP that immediately, it’s grim and also surely it’s not great for you’ - and I might also point my finger sternly.

Hopefully it goes without saying but only do this if you two are alone, not in front of anybody else.

I think it wouldn't be too hard to ask if she's having problems with itchy ears because you've noticed she's been pulling at hers (she hasn't but it's less gross than poking at them). Not sure how to make head-scratching sound better.

What’s with all the deflection suggestions? I don’t have OCD but this is gross.

I had to tell someone to stop flicking bits from under her nails when I was young. I just said “can you not do that in my home please, it’s grim”.

She was annoyed but she had to admit it was gross and there was about 2 mins of awkwardness. Then it was done.

you still haven’t said if it’s new, maybe something is bugging her so I’d ask.

The trouble is with things like this is that people don’t realise they’re doing it!

I wouldn’t feel comfortable being rude or confronting in a serious way but I would definitely joke about it.

I used to work in a school and if they were picking their noses, I’d ask if they’re digging for gold or something.
Then we’d laugh and I’d tell them to go wash their hands in a light hearted way.
Its a disgusting habit but many of them would do it without thinking and so I didn’t want to embarrass them.

Could you think of something light hearted to say.
Or if she starts digging in her ear, say is your ear sore or something.

Ugh, that is nasty and I wouldn't want her at my house doing that. I had a friend who used to eat her eye bogies and it was revolting. I never said anything as we lived together at the time so it was her house too! Plus she wasn't spreading it she was eating it 🤮.
I don't know what I'd do in your situation. But I feel for you!

So if you know you're doing it, can't you stop?

You don't have OCD, it's gross.

I have a friend who, occasionally, picks out an eye bogey and licks it 🤢. So disgusting but I don't think she realises she's doing it. If she did it regularly I would have to call her out, awkward as it would be.

This is the best way, IMO.

It's letting friend know you see/noticed it, find it a bit grim (enough to mention it) but not go into a long drawn out conversation about it, or going over the top to really humiliate someone. This way, it's quick, it's easy to laugh off, but it's been aired, so they're now aware of it.

All these suggestions advising you to tell your mate she makes you feel sick, or that she makes you gag, are seriously fucking stupid. How bloody hurtful. I'd be mortified if anyone told me that I, or my habits, made someone gag. It seems so vexatious, when there are plenty of gentler alternatives.

I wouldn't go asking if she had a health issue either. Seriously passive aggressive and =anybody with an ounce of sense can see exactly what you're doing, and getting at. 'I've noticed you've been picking your earwax and scalp, do you have a health issue that's bothering you?' - come on now. Faux concern isn't the way.

User I quoted, had it down perfectly. Follow it with a ',,dinnae do that on my carpet man 😂' if you want to make sure.

“stop picking”

”have you got fleas hun?”

“erm, do you wanna stop leaving your body parts strewn around my house”

”ewwww pack it in, it’s weirding me out”

None of those need to be said in a harshly confrontational way. If she downplays it just tell her it’s gross and not to do it in front of you any more. I don’t see it’s worth losing an otherwise good friendship over just yet.