DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

There's always two people involved in that, and the one who says no can take precautions to ensure it doesn't happen.

With a dog OP could just go and get one, like the DH did with a kitten on this thread:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5161411-to-be-really-unhappy-at-having-a-cat-imposed-on-us?page=5&reply=138164245

The worst thing about dogs or committing to getting a dog is you're pretty much conceding to a lifetime of perpetually being in the baby phase.

At least with the majority of DC they grow up and eventually look after themselves.

Dogs are completely reliant on their owners, all the time. So it's like having a baby for the duration of the dogs lifespan. Then sure enough a few weeks after they pass, the owner gets a replacement and the cycle continues.

I can't imagaine anything more hellish than 60+ years of looking after a baby non stop.

yup, the dog is the symptom, not the problem.

There’s a lot of conflating children with dogs in western culture. Calling them furbabies, buying them Christmas presents. It’s actually dehumanising real human babies.

yes, it'll still impact them. But 🤷🏻‍♀️ 'because I said so' is not a good enough answer to going back on your agreement

What about "I don't want to live in a house with a dog"? Would that be a good enough reason?

@banoffeelover you are completely in your rights to have that perspective and I would hope you share that early on if you’re dating someone who does want a dog in their life in the future.

DH grew up without dogs, in fact his mum was very against having dogs in a house. But when he met me he knew a dog would feature at some point in our lives. When we used to visit my parents he said he could see how my face lit up when I saw the family dog (I was obviously pleased to see my parents as well but he could see how much a dog meant to me). If he had married someone else then maybe he would never had had a dog, as they certainly hadn't been a priority for him until he met me.

So when circumstances were ideal to have a dog he suggested we started to look for one. I am so glad we were able to bring a dog into DC lives, and how the dog enriched all our lives. We had to have him PTS a few months ago and DH has been as devastated as me, many tears.

If DH had said very early on in our relationship there was no way we would ever have a dog, I would have had to seriously consider whether we were compatible.

That's all true, so if this is something you definitely want, the sensible thing to do before committing to a relationship is to check with your partner that they're on the same page and they definitely want a dog at some point in the future...oh!

“Plenty of us have happy fulfilling lives without dogs.”

indeed.

the fact that this needed to be said is frankly troubling.

But having read the OP's posts this is much more than about a dog. This seems very much about DH controlling what happens in their lives with no room for compromise on his part

Because if having a dog was a non-negotiable, she'd have had a dog. But he said not yet, so she negotiated. Which is a change of mind from non-negotiable, or to use your term (which I completely disagree with) - a lie.

There is no compromise anyway. You can't have half a dog. And people who desperately want dogs suck up not having one for many reasons, including landlords not allowing them, not being able to afford them, needing to work away from home etc etc. It's only as big a deal as the OP chooses to make it, and it'd be wiser not to pass that mania onto her DD and make less of a deal of it. Kids want all kinds of things intensely that they get over fast and move on from.

He’s not controlling in any other way—he’s completely relaxed in all other aspects of our lives and happy for me to lead on pretty much every other decision.

Thanks for all of the advice.

I brought up the conversation casually at lunch, and we had a calm, productive discussion. I guess this thread made me change my approach, or worked some other kind of MN voodoo.

Turns out, he’s mostly worried about how a dog will impact the morning routine. He currently wakes early with DD for some 1:1 time (given he works til almost her bedtime) and I think he imagined he'd have to begin factoring a dog walk into this window of time that is precious to him.

He’s also concerned about me taking on more responsibilities, which is fair. I'm often operating in manic mode and saying yes to everything without thinking.
Lastly, DD wants a Golden Retriever, which would require extra £££ lifestyle changes, like changing our car —another valid point.

I feel much more understanding now, and actually feel remorse over brow beating him, when he's clearly anxious about the changes it will bring.

Still disappointed that he communicated all of this so poorly so i'm going to book counselling

...and look into fostering!

Why? Dogs aren't a threat to civilisation. Why does it matter if some people like them and others don't?

@northernerinlondon if he is so relaxed about everything else, why have you previously considered counselling and why haven't you moved out of London?

10 years happily married with DC and no animals. I made it clear from the outset that I woultn't own a dog/cat (despite being around them when younger). DH was indifferent at the idea of animals, but has previously commented he is glad to not have those commitments and doesn't feel he's missing out.

and?

and…
manipulating people is “not a good thing” 🙄

OP, indeed shelve the dog idea.

Do you wish to remain married is the much bigger question.

He sounds dominant, bullying and controlling.

You have no voice in this marriage.
Time to get real.
He either is part of a solution to your serious marital problems or you need to look at a separate future where you happily replace him with a pooch!

Don't ignore being shut down, it only gets worse.

I don't see any underlying issues in the OP's post.

Wanting a dog is not 'mania' - hyberbole, much? And your argument doesn't make sense - you're saying on the one hand that she'd have a dog if dogs are non-negotiable but in the next breath that lots of people can't have dogs even though they desperately want them. Which is it?

Doesn't really matter, threads like this always bring out the dog haters, and by extension, the dog owner haters.

@northernerinlondon it’s really positive that you’ve had that discussion. I wouldn’t get a golden retriever for the reasons you’ve listed - but a show cocker spaniel could be a nice idea as they are all the loving temperament of a retriever but slightly less work. But still smart dogs that need walks. You could alternatively opt for something like a long haired dachshund/toy cockpoo which are equally lovely but less work than the retriever types.

I’m not sure you need to go to all the effort of fostering, but as mentioned I would look at setting up a borrow my doggy accoung and borrowing a dog! We have a dog and use borrow my doggy and it’s been absolutely brilliant, our dog has three borrowers who adore her and we find it really easy to go away or have dog free nights/days out as usually one of the three borrowers is keen to have her.

Another reason why a smaller dog is better as it’s easier to find willing dog sitters.

think thats because it had been clear from the start that no one else wanted a cat.

Ops DH entered into a relationship knowing ops 'non negotiable', agreed, and has now just decided no, and I won't explain why, I'll just get 'upset' be manipulative

Totally different situation which is why the vibe on that thread is different.

Read OP’s post dated 14:31.

All of that rage on her behalf, so so misplaced. 🙄

which is why the vibe on that thread is different

The vibe is different becaue it’s the DH who wants the pet and he bought one regardless. OP could easily put herself in that situation.

Great! Happy for you!