DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

[northernerinlondon]

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

• We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
• Finances aren’t an issue.
• We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
• We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

People can desperately want all kinds of things that they don't get to have, from sports cars to biological children to dogs. They still don't all carry the same weight or entitlement and someone's ability to cope without them differs too. OP loves dogs, sure, but she's been okay without one all this time and I doubt even she wants one enough to lose her family over. This non-negotiable stance that keeps being cited is completely unhelpful and not even relevant - she changed her mind from the off by negotiating the years of postponements, hence making it clear that she was in fact okay to not have a dog and that the husband and DC came first. If the dog means more than those, then she can leave and get one.

Really? Not everyone needs a man in their life, even on Mumsnet.

Seems like he either lied to you about his goals when the two of you were dating and thought that once you've settled with him you'd be unable to leave, or he thinks it's okay to unilaterally change his mind about joined decisions.

Neither is okay and I find your comment about feeling "silenced and powerless" concerning. He sounds like a very domineering man.

Family wore me down to get a dog, so I said yes. I regret it now...

he's lovely and i will always take care of him, but - 13 years so far of lack of spontaneity. No nipping off for a weekend, no staying out more than 5 hours. Kennels need booking 4 months in advance here. I just feel that our whole life changed - and knew it would and told Dh and Dds repeatedly.
Perhaps he has those worries, perhaps he enjoys life as it is and doesn't want 10, 15 years of compromise now it has come to decision time.

Again the circumstances are different. A dog isn't on anywhere near the same level as a DC in terms of importance.

Just look at how quickly most dog lovers replaces their sadly departed animals, almost remarkable really. No way you get the same response from losing a human.

You've just got through the preschooler years, it's tiring and you have a glimpse of things settling and suddenly you want to introduce something that will wee over everything for weeks, smell the house out, fur on everything and you have a whole thing to sort out and pay for when you go away for more than 4 hours

This with knobs on.

Pet lovers and non-pet lovers are a big compatibility issue, as shown in this thread. There’s no need to be rude about people who do or don’t want pets, and the pet is a red herring anyways in this situation.

How is that 'changing' her mind? She didn't change her mind, she agreed a compromise with her DH, which was that they'd have a dog in five years, and he's not upholding his end of the bargain.

Of course nobody literally dies without a dog in their life. That's absolutely beside the point. The point is that her DH lied to her and now won't even have an adult conversation about this, or discuss any kind of compromise at all. It's all on the OP to compromise what she wants, and if she doesn't like it, tough, suck it up or be a homewrecker. Hardly seems fair.

Actually, plenty of people choose to have dogs instead of children. You might think that's weird, but it's very much the case for a lot of people.

Oh I agree not everyone needs a man in their life.

But the idea that planning your wedding, getting ready, guests all waiting, reception and honeymoon booked and then he’s a no show - in short being jilted at the altar- is preferable to not getting a dog is off the charts.

People will think I am ridiculous but this would be a massive issue for me. I told my partner when I met him that I would be getting a dog someday and if he had a problem with that I understood, but we wouldn't work and best to part ways. We have one now but if he had changed his mind it might have been a deal breaker for me. Having said that, we don't have children.

If someone comes out and says they have changed their mind then that is one thing, but I can't stand people who kick things down the road to avoid confrontation, whether it be people who promise marriage, kids or getting a dog. To me it seems like this isn't an isolated issue - you mentioned you feel like you are powerless and everything hangs on him to decide.

Couples counselling sounds like a good idea.

It really isn't. I wouldn't marry a man who doesn't like dogs. I don't date men who don't like dogs, for this reason. For a lot of people, not liking dogs is a deal breaker. It's really not that 'out there', however much you think it is.

maybe he needs to know its OK not to want a dog and that it means the discussion would end, perhaps then he'd feel able to communicate more freely?

I agree with this also. Is there a chance that any discussion just turns into one partner trying to heavily persuade the other into getting a dog. If dh says he feels it will be too difficult then there's your answer. Any further discussion is just persuasion. You might push and push until he agrees but pretty soon will come to resent it.

I don't think it's weird. I think it's very understandable becuase although both are a commitment, a DC is clearly a bigger commitment. What I find weird is people comparing dogs to children as if they're equivalent, when clearly they're not.

great common sense post 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Of course you can’t just get one because everyone has to be on board with a big commitment like a dog. It isn’t like a goldfish or something, dogs require a lot of attention- they’re essentially like another child.

It sounds as though he never really wanted one and figured at the time if he said 5 years it would shut you up for half a decade. Now the time has come he’s probably gutted you’re still so keen on it.

@Getmeahobnobstat well then you’ve been really dishonest and should have said “never going to happen” when he first mentioned it. Lying and pretending it’s an option for you when it isn’t is a horrible thing to do to a partner.

I wouldn’t just get one but having a dog is non-negotiable for me too so I would ask him to leave and then get one!🤣

that’s being manipulative.

I think your DH is being a dick. I say this with the caveat that we only have your side of the story and I obviously can't say if you've agreed to do something important in the past and then not done it. I am also sympathetic to his position on staying in London for the job.

In the set up you've described you could manage a dog. It's really not the same as having another child, what an exaggeration. He could do this for you.

I grew up with and love pets. DH always knew I wanted one. When we got to 20 years of marriage I told him it would make me very unhappy to live out my adult life not having this experience. He's not a dick - we came up with a plan to make it work because it was important to me and he cares about me.

Your DH could do the same.

ED: 'really' not the same. I know having a dog is work but there is a lot exaggeration here.

Same!

My dog is so good for my mental health and when the DC leave home there's even less a chance of me not having a dog in my life.

Ive made it very clear to DP that we will always have a dog. If he suddenly doesn't want one the door actually can hit him on the arse on his way out. I'd absolutely die on that hill.

You're effectively saying what my ex husband used to say, only his version was "that was then, this is now". It's a way of welching on promises (that you never intended to honour).

OP, sit DH down and have this out once and for all. You need to know where he's coming from and you need to know how much of a deal breaker (not) having a dog really is. Meanwhile, the Dogs Trust have loads of woofers looking for homes.

Edit: a friend was told by her husband that no way we're they having a cat. She didn't argue but simply told him that HE was going to tell the children. Result? They now have three cats.

won't solve the underlying issue

The flipside of that is that, going on what the OP has said, there's no real reason why they can't get a dog. Obviously we only have her side of the story, but that's all you can ever really go by on Mumset anyway. It sounds as if, actually, he was just bullshitting about the five year thing and intended to keep on kicking the can down the road and never get a dog at all. That's the real problem, if so.

I wouldn’t have continued in a relationship after the initial dating stages if a man had revealed they would never want a dog so I would be extremely furious if all their dog promises had turned out to be lies in the hope I would somehow forget my desire for a dog. Fine if life didn’t work out that way, renting or not stable/not appropriate with jobs - but if we had a house and a garden and flexible jobs with WFH then I couldn’t honestly move past dog refusal at that point.