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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH has moved the goalposts on getting a family dog.

351 replies

northernerinlondon · 09/09/2024 11:35

Since we met, I’ve always been clear with DH that having a family dog is non-negotiable, and he agreed.

When DD was born, we decided to get one when she turned 5, so she could fully enjoy the experience. She’s 5 now and obsessed with dogs, asking for one daily and wishing for one constantly.

I’ve brought it up with DH several times, but he shuts down and gets upset, saying it’ll be too difficult.

From my perspective:

  • We both work from home, so someone’s always around.
  • Finances aren’t an issue.
  • We're not planning more kids or moving, so life is stable.
  • We have a big garden and a nearby park.

I don’t want to cause a major issue over this, but since we agreed, would I be unreasonable to just...get one?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Toastghost · 09/09/2024 13:55

He is totally reasonable to change his mind on this. Dogs are nice in theory but they’re a huge commitment and if they have health issues or behavioural issues it can cost a lot of money, time and sleep. Maybe he wants to focus on his career and his child. And dogs are not children, it’s not the same as him changing his mind about having children.

Thelittlehouseonthehill · 09/09/2024 13:55

thoonerismspread · 09/09/2024 13:52

I think he's told you what you wanted to hear, future faked you. He doesn't care that this is what you wasted and sees his wants as more important. That's a red flag, dog or no dog.

Exactly this.
I think he’s a bloody liar and just says what you want to hear to get his own way. I would be so furious at him for being so sly and conniving and don’t think I could get over it.
It’s not just about the dog it’s the way he lied to you.

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 13:56

Getmeahobnobstat · 09/09/2024 13:55

My husband would love a cat. He grew up with cats and feels that they de-stress him and that they make a great pet.

I’m not getting a cat. There have been times I’d said I’d think about it, to end the conversation, but I have no intention of getting any pet.

I am extremely house proud and cleanliness is next to godliness as far as I’m concerned. I refuse to deal with kitty litter, or cat poop, hairballs or grooming. I also refuse to spend money on cat food and veterinary care, so all in all I’d be a terrible cat owner. And I do like animals from a distance, so I wouldn’t inflect poor pet ownership on one.

If my husband bought one without my consent, he’d had two options. Return it, or leave with it. I would hate for him to thrust an unwanted pet into my life.

That would be the same situation as the OP is in - you agreeing one thing with your partner but them doing another in practice.

longtompot · 09/09/2024 13:56

I agree that there’s obviously a lot more beneath this issue than just the family pet, so I’ll put the dog idea aside for now and suggest we try couples therapy again

I think this is a good idea. This sounds much bigger than him changing his mind on getting a dog considering he has backtracked on other things by the sounds of it.
A relationship is meant to be equal, not one person having the final say.

I hope you find a way through this, and all being well, end up with your dog.

My dh wasn't keen on getting a dog, but after many years he agreed to me getting one just after my 40th birthday and he loved her pretty much straight away. I did do everything for her care, but he has stepped up when needed (I was away for a family wedding and then again when I had an operation) and he sees the benefit of daily walks for his health. I've always walked pretty much everywhere as I never learnt to drive, so walking isn't a big deal for me.

Bluenotgreen · 09/09/2024 13:56

Mirabai · 09/09/2024 13:51

Consent is like tea as we know. It’s ok to say you’d like a cup of tea and then change your mind.

You don’t then force tea on someone who doesn’t want any.

Show quote history

Of course, but then the tea drinker is perfectly within their rights to go and drink tea with someone who wants to…or drink tea alone.

banoffeelover · 09/09/2024 13:57

piccolorhinoceros · 09/09/2024 13:50

Would you feel the same if they had the dog first and agreed to TTC when dog was 5, and DH now felt it was too much?

Show quote history

Of course I wouldn't feel the same, because the situation isn't the same. Once you've commited to taking responsibility for another living thing, you can't just abandon that responsibility midway. However, OP DH hasn't yet taken responsibility for a dog, they only agreed in principle to getting one. It's entirely different.

piccolorhinoceros · 09/09/2024 13:57

Mirabai · 09/09/2024 13:51

Consent is like tea as we know. It’s ok to say you’d like a cup of tea and then change your mind.

You don’t then force tea on someone who doesn’t want any.

Show quote history

Ah so it's okay to say you'll marry someone and then at the altar think 'actually nah'? Or okay to say you'll have a baby then leave your partner when she falls pregnant? No, it's not quite that simple in a relationship is it? As PP said, consent to sex is one thing, agreeing to a future is another.

It's fine for her husband to change his mind, but he may have to accept the consequences if OP decides it's not the life she wants any more.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 13:58

piccolorhinoceros · 09/09/2024 13:46

I don't agree with the majority of comments. If you'd married a man who had agreed you both wanted a child and then he backtracked he'd be called a future faker, you'd be told to LTB, etc. I don't see that this is that different. You agreed on a future you both visualised, and he's backtracked. Do you definitely want to stay with him?

You don’t see that there’s much difference between having a baby and getting a dog?

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/09/2024 13:58

Not RTFT but can I advise you to think very, very carefully before imposing a dog on a family where you're the only adult dog lover?

I basically gave my (lovely but not very pet loving) DH an ultimatum regarding getting a dog. We got a dog. My DH was very open-minded, is generally disposed to make the best of things, and did grow to love the dog (who was an amazing dog) as a "person". However, I could see that he found the hair and the smell and the general obligations involved in having a dog very complicated, and both of us found it hard to manage a dog and the baby that came the following year. There were times when he felt very overwhelmed and frustrated about having a dog that he would never have got if he hadn't been with me. He loved the dog but having the dog did not make him love dogs generally or grow to feel that life wasn't complete without a dog in the house.

It was fine. There were many moments of family-shared dog-related joy and the much-pampered dog remained with us until he died at a relatively advanced age. I miss him and will never forget him. But overall, it's not an easy experience to have a dog in a family where everyone apart from you mostly tolerates the dog because you love them. And I think it really, really helped that this dog was an absolute gentleman, incredibly gentle, amazing with children, clean in the house (until he became ill at the end of his life), didn't try to get on furniture, didn't try to go up the stairs, and slept 90% of the time. I don't want to think about how it would have been with a more high-needs dog and a less easy-going husband. It's not something I would do again unless DH did a 180 and ended up super pro dog.

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 13:59

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 13:58

You don’t see that there’s much difference between having a baby and getting a dog?

Show quote history

Of course there's a difference. Still doesn't make it OK.

piccolorhinoceros · 09/09/2024 14:00

banoffeelover · 09/09/2024 13:57

Of course I wouldn't feel the same, because the situation isn't the same. Once you've commited to taking responsibility for another living thing, you can't just abandon that responsibility midway. However, OP DH hasn't yet taken responsibility for a dog, they only agreed in principle to getting one. It's entirely different.

Show quote history

I think you misunderstood. In the alternative situation I'm asking about, OP and DH have a 5 year old dog and DH is now refusing to try for a baby. They have committed to taking responsibility for the (imaginary) dog, so is it okay for her husband to then realise he doesn't have the energy for a child?

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:00

piccolorhinoceros · 09/09/2024 13:57

Ah so it's okay to say you'll marry someone and then at the altar think 'actually nah'? Or okay to say you'll have a baby then leave your partner when she falls pregnant? No, it's not quite that simple in a relationship is it? As PP said, consent to sex is one thing, agreeing to a future is another.

It's fine for her husband to change his mind, but he may have to accept the consequences if OP decides it's not the life she wants any more.

Show quote history

a life without owning a dog isn’t the same as jilting someone at the altar or a life without a baby.
Can we get a little perspective here?

piccolorhinoceros · 09/09/2024 14:01

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 13:58

You don’t see that there’s much difference between having a baby and getting a dog?

Show quote history

In terms of what a couple wish and plan for their lives, no. It's on a par with what area to live in, what house to buy, how much care to provide for elderly parents. All massive important life decisions.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:02

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 13:59

Of course there's a difference. Still doesn't make it OK.

Show quote history

Have you ever changed your mind about something?

piccolorhinoceros · 09/09/2024 14:02

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:00

a life without owning a dog isn’t the same as jilting someone at the altar or a life without a baby.
Can we get a little perspective here?

Show quote history

You don't like dogs, we get it. Can you understand that for some people (like OP) it's something they desperately want, and is non-negotiable? Her words.

pinkdelight · 09/09/2024 14:02

SlothMama · 09/09/2024 13:45

I can understand why you feel this way, for me I was always going to have dogs, no compromise.

I grew up with them and love them, so I was always clear with relationships that I'll have one.

I feel he's being unfair, in what way will it be difficult

If your stance is no compromise, then it's hardly unfair for someone else's to be just as hardline.

MilkToast · 09/09/2024 14:02

Not being able to see the forest for the trees springs to mind…

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 14:02

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:00

a life without owning a dog isn’t the same as jilting someone at the altar or a life without a baby.
Can we get a little perspective here?

Show quote history

There are clearly a lot of non-dog lovers on this thread. I'd rather be jilted at the altar than spend my life with someone who didn't want a dog tbh.

banoffeelover · 09/09/2024 14:02

Bluenotgreen · 09/09/2024 13:56

Of course, but then the tea drinker is perfectly within their rights to go and drink tea with someone who wants to…or drink tea alone.

Edited
Show quote history

Thankfully non tea drinker will be free of the significant financial burden the tea drinking puts on the family finances, as well as the commitment to hours of constantly brewing, cleaning crockery etc despite having no personal interest in a cuppa.

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 09/09/2024 14:04

Oh, OP, I'm sorry.

It's a non-negotiable for me in a relationship as well - and I made it clear on my first date with my DP that, if it ever came to it and he changed his mind about a dog, it would be the end of our relationship. I think unless you want/need a dog that much (as I do for my MH) that people just don't understand what a deal-breaker it is. Thankfully, DP has been true to his word (we currently have five dogs) but I couldn't imagine the agony if he said no and changed his mind.

For your DP to change his mind is really cruel. He's entitled to - but not on something that was clearly a deal-breaker for you.

I do suggest couples therapy, as you've implied you'll take. But for me I couldn't move past the lie - because that's what it is, I think, a lie. He thought he'd get away with it and now he's faced with the reality, he's thinking 'oh shit.'

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 14:04

banoffeelover · 09/09/2024 14:02

Thankfully non tea drinker will be free of the significant financial burden the tea drinking puts on the family finances, as well as the commitment to hours of constantly brewing, cleaning crockery etc despite having no personal interest in a cuppa.

Show quote history

Well yes but then they shouldn't have offered the tea in the first place should they? Don't offer tea if, actually, you really don't want to give the tea drinker tea.

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:06

Toastghost · 09/09/2024 13:55

He is totally reasonable to change his mind on this. Dogs are nice in theory but they’re a huge commitment and if they have health issues or behavioural issues it can cost a lot of money, time and sleep. Maybe he wants to focus on his career and his child. And dogs are not children, it’s not the same as him changing his mind about having children.

At last, a post that has some perspective!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:08

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 14:02

There are clearly a lot of non-dog lovers on this thread. I'd rather be jilted at the altar than spend my life with someone who didn't want a dog tbh.

Edited
Show quote history

“I'd rather be jilted at the altar than spend my life with someone who didn't want a dog tbh.”

I think we’ve reached peak mumsnet. 🙃

AnonymousBleep · 09/09/2024 14:08

AgileGreenSeal · 09/09/2024 14:02

Have you ever changed your mind about something?

Show quote history

One thing I've always tried to do is not make promises I can't keep. 'A deal is a deal' is something I live my life by tbh.

stanleypops66 · 09/09/2024 14:08

Sounds like there are other issues/ resentment in your relationship so it wouldn't be good to bring a dog into the mix at this time.

Dogs add stress (especially puppies) and even though you both wfh you need him to be on board. There may be times you're in a meeting and the dog needs let out to wee or just needs entertaining.

I do agree that dogs are amazing. Our dog has been a great addition to our family, especially as we've one dc. The dog adds more fun to the house, and has taught dd that it's not all about her. Dogs are restricting in many ways and do impact family life massively (if you're a good dog owner).