To think ‘overprotective’ parents aren’t even ‘protective’?

[Sparting]

My experience of overprotective parents is that they’re so convinced they’re ’always right’ that they don’t protect their children because they often override their child’s legitimate concerns.

My parents forced a friendship between me and this girl when I was 11 because the ‘friend’ was from an educated, middle class background and my mother was a snob. This girl was very bitchy, snide and superior to me and ruined my self esteem but when I complained about her to my mum she just said No!!! and shouted me down, as if she didn’t want to contemplate this

i think overprotective parenting is all about overstepping their child’s boundaries.

For what it’s worth, I think there’s a huge overlap between overprotectiveness, abusiveness and narcissism in parents.

AIBU?

I am middle class and my parents are well educated. Personally, I found a lot of kids from this type of background who I went to school with etc too ‘precious’ iyswim.

I naturally go on better with kids from uneducated backgrounds and feel I could be more myself with them

funnily enough - my mum took me to Benidorm aged 13 to a hotel full of working class /uneducated families and I got on much better with them and enjoyed their company much more than the precious narrow minded middle class kids from my neighbourhood and I went to school with !

Oh god you’ve hit a nerve, the over reacting and dramatic reactions to normal behaviour. Stamped my feet one as a two year old and got hit. Had an untidy room so all toys were collected in a bin bag and thrown outside, didn’t come in from playing quickly enough so made to go into town in my swimming costume which is what I’d been playing out in. Confided at 17 I’d had unprotected sex, well do you want a pregnancy test? That’s how I got pregnant with you, you weren’t planned.

I just wanted I thank everyone who’s contributed to this post. It’s really helped me see my parents more clearly and be proud of a time back on 1991 when I got fitter, lost weight, developed a lot of confidence and became much more no nonsense ! Just FYI during this time I also very pointedly gave Bitchy Girl the cold shoulder and didn’t give a shit what anyone thought of me ! 💪

I’m reposting this again not least because I think it’s an excellent post that nails it for me but I also note the 2nd paragraph where you say

“didn’t give me a chance to build confidence doing things”

I’d agree with this but more devastating for me was not so much not giving me a chance to build confidence doing things but also not giving me a chance to say no to not doing things I didn’t want to do.

They basically coerced me into very unwanted friendships )with posh middle class kids) but also coerced me to go away to university - with devastating results

No, that's not what overprotective means.

Yes, it does, and yes it is.

There are different kinds of neglect.

Well my kids could live with me for ever and i will be there for all there needs.
I would be very protective of them.
And i would be the one that would fixs all the problems for them.
Even in adult hood i will still sort their problem and still protect them.

I would describe this as ‘supportive’ and not overprotective tbh

A lot of people would consider it overprotective, controlling and neglectful. I don't by the way, at least I think it's the good kind as long as the child is okay and happy with it, and allowed their own agency.

IMO, there are different kinds of overprotectiveness - the good and the bad kind.

I don't understand your use of the word 'overprotective'.

In what way is forcing a friendship on you or refusing to believe a teacher is abusing you the same as protecting you ?

Your parents sound to be controlling and lacking in trust of your judgement.

In no way do these actions sound to be about protecting you from anything.

that's not overprotective, that's controlling and snotty.

Yes I definitely agree with your 3rd paragraph . I think they just felt more comfortable with the overprotective label for themselves

Agreed. I think overprotective was the label they felt comfortable with

Yes, they were unpleasant

It sounds like your mother was extremely unhappy and an alcoholic OP. Maybe she was incredibly fearful that if you mixed with the 'wrong' kids then you'd end up going off the rails and so she misguidedly tried to make sure you mixed with the sort of kids she thought would ensure you kept on the right path. Maybe it was beyond her comprehension that a teacher could be in the wrong and she just wanted you to settle down and do well at school.

It sounds like her focus was completely on the wrong things, but she said she felt she was over protective and that makes sense if she thought she was doing the right things to keep you on the straight and narrow. The problem was that she was so focussed on that that she didn't listen to you as an individual and hear what was actually happening.

I think your issue OP is that as a child you didn't feel you were heard and that can be extremely damaging. But maybe try to also see things from your mums point of view, she obviously had a huge amount of issues and did what she desperately wanted to be the right thing, it wasn't but she probably didn't know any better. I'd imagine she probably had a very difficult childhood herself in one way or another.

Thanks so much for this post - your first sentence is absolutely right.

Thing is even though she pushed posh middle class kids onto me I went off the rails anyway.

she also used to make fun of me for being fat and get other kids to join in with the fat shaming !

She had a fetish about the superiority of ‘educated’ people - but in my experience uneducated, working class people from rough areas can be more decent and straightforward sometimes than well educated upper middle class people from affluent areas!

of course I’ve also met great well educated upper middle class people as well obviously..

This thread has helped me so much so thanks all who contributed.

My mum’s behaviour was odd and controlling.

Another example is the Xmas I was 14, my Dad was taking presents to family friends a few days before Xmas.

My mum said to me that my Dad was taking presents to 3 family friends and she said to me - “you can go if you want but you don’t have to!” Very reasonable, yes? So I said I’d go to deliver to 2 houses but not the third - I said I’d go to e.g Anna’s and Emily’s but not Maria Taylor’s. By the way - they lived near so if I dropped out of the 3rd visit, travel logistics wouldn’t be a problem. My mum then started shouting and yelled very loudly -

“NO!!!! YOU’RE GOING TO MARIA TAYLOR’S!”

As a 14 year old I was very traumatised ‘cos I thought she was giving me a choice within those parameters.

This doesn't seem that bad . Granted she could have just said it and not shouted .

My dad once punched me in the face for refusing to tidy my room. I have never mentioned it to anyone . It was just one of those things.
I'm not trying to get sympathy. Just to point out lots of people have parental horror stories . But sometimes it's best just accepting it is what it is and moving on .
Otherwise it eats you up inside.

That is awful, I am so sorry that happened to you. Even more sorry that you weren’t able to tell someone and were able to rationalise it as „one of those things“ . I do agree that dwelling can just get you into a kind of spiral you struggle to get out of but what you are describing is really not just one of those things. You were abused.

sorry this happened to you. My mum also came into my bedroom when I was 15 and drunkenly hit me for no discernible reason.

i totally agree though about not dwelling on things ..

Thanks this is very useful

Yes - this is another post that explains my position really well

Ah the association observation makes so much sense

I’ve also heard that narcissistic parents can be very intrusive to their kids in some ways though completely neglectful in others

Yes