To think ‘overprotective’ parents aren’t even ‘protective’?

[Sparting]

My experience of overprotective parents is that they’re so convinced they’re ’always right’ that they don’t protect their children because they often override their child’s legitimate concerns.

My parents forced a friendship between me and this girl when I was 11 because the ‘friend’ was from an educated, middle class background and my mother was a snob. This girl was very bitchy, snide and superior to me and ruined my self esteem but when I complained about her to my mum she just said No!!! and shouted me down, as if she didn’t want to contemplate this

i think overprotective parenting is all about overstepping their child’s boundaries.

For what it’s worth, I think there’s a huge overlap between overprotectiveness, abusiveness and narcissism in parents.

AIBU?

Those examples seem to be the opposite of over protective 🤔
I agree both should not have happened to you .
But it doesn't show that being over protective was the cause.
Just poor parental decisions in general

You are obviously hurting and conflating two different things. It doesn't sound as if your parents were protective enough, let alone overly so.

Unfortunately this is going to be a thread about semantics and word definitions, which isn't going to help you work through your feelings.

What has caused you to lash out like this, is there a parent in you or your DCs life who is overprotective, who also reminds you of your upbringing? Have they accused you of being a bad parent or something?

I think we'd all agree that not listening to your children at all, over protective or not, is a bad thing.

Examples of overprotective parenting:

Child can’t go on play dates or to birthday parties in case something happens at their friend’s house

Child can’t climb on a climbing frame or ride a bike/scooter in case they fall off

Child can’t go on school trip in case they get lost.

Normal childhood experiences banned due to parental anxieties.

Nothing you’ve mentioned so far sounds overprotective.

Ok I agree with you. But I have heard overprotectiveness described as ‘neglect’ funnily enough, as it thwarts development

Yes - totally agree

Yes, it does. But none of your examples involve over-protectiveness.

Yes. I think this would be helpful.

OP, please define ‘overprotective parenting’.

Overstepping the child’s emotional boundaries and not allowing independence

Well yes of course overprotectiveness stunts development, nobody is saying that it's a good thing. But I think you are hinging yourself to this phrase when in actual fact you were not protected and for you there was emotional neglect. I realise that coming to terms with this is awful and I hope that you can seek some real life help.

That isn't overprotective either.

Overprotective parents can do that, yes. But not every parent who does that is overprotective - or, in fact, protective at all.

It sounds like your parents failed you. I’m very sorry about that.

Thanks - I think your - and everyone’s insights on this are useful to be fair

Your parents did the opposite of protecting you in both of those scenarios, so I can’t see why you’re describing them as over protective.

I’m really grateful for everyone’s insights on this so thanks for responding even if you disagree with me

That's only a small part of overprotective. It's restricting a child's experiences and emotional growth due to fears and anxiety. So your own definition whilst may sound right is also narcissistic parenting, neglectful parenting, abusive parenting etc.

Did your parents tell you they are “protective”? Is that where you got this from? Because everyone is right, the things you are describing are not ‘overprotective’ parenting.

it is controlling. Or overinvolved (although even this isn’t really right to describe what you say they did).

basically your parents were arseholes (at least on these occasions) and you need to find a way to deal with it and grow.

Op my mum was like this and I know exactly what you mean.

Thanks and yes I agree with you

I was also going to say that this sounds more over-involved than overprotective

@Sparting "Some would say it’s overprotective as forcing friendships oversteps a child’s emotional boundaries"

Forcing friendships definitely oversteps boundaries- but I honestly can't see how that is being over protective.

To answer your first question - ‘yes’ - and thanks I really appreciate your support of my situation

Over protective. . stop children doing normal things like running, climbing, going out.... You seem to be describing dismissive and controlling

Over protective to me equals controlling. Yes controlling is about the parents needs and comfort not the child’s needs and so it is a narcissistic or at the very least self absorbed parental trait.

@KhakiShaker has a good characterisation

It sounds really hard for you. It's clear your parents might have used the line "we're just protecting you," or "it's our job to protect you," alongside you not feeling protected at all. This would mess any child up. It's not unlike someone telling you they love you while behaving in a way that feels hateful.

It's okay for you to focus on yourself, your feelings and untangling events of your childhood, without having to make any general observations or argue over terms. I think it will help you to re-classify your parents as not protective in your head. Not because of English language reasons, but because basing your feelings on this premise isn't accurate or working for you.