To think ‘overprotective’ parents aren’t even ‘protective’?

[Sparting]

My experience of overprotective parents is that they’re so convinced they’re ’always right’ that they don’t protect their children because they often override their child’s legitimate concerns.

My parents forced a friendship between me and this girl when I was 11 because the ‘friend’ was from an educated, middle class background and my mother was a snob. This girl was very bitchy, snide and superior to me and ruined my self esteem but when I complained about her to my mum she just said No!!! and shouted me down, as if she didn’t want to contemplate this

i think overprotective parenting is all about overstepping their child’s boundaries.

For what it’s worth, I think there’s a huge overlap between overprotectiveness, abusiveness and narcissism in parents.

AIBU?

Thank you - I really appreciate your post and my mum called me ‘selfish’ for having the temerity to show any resistance

I agree. When I was at school, I had one friend whose parents were insanely controlling. They dictated how short she had her hair, what clothes she wore, what she ate for lunch, who she was friends with etc. When we all started going out after school she wasn't allowed to join us, even if it was just to the cinema.

Then, when she was 15, she met an older guy on an internet chat room (which was just coming out at the time) and started a hidden relationship with him - he gave her a phone that she kept hidden, and when she turned 16 she ran away to live with him. Looking back now, it was a CLEAR case of grooming, but back in the 90s, we didn't know about such things. All of her friends knew about this guy, and we knew how controlling her parents were and we all understood why she kept him a secret from them.

The irony is, if her parents had allowed any sort of honest communication or given her any trust, I don't think it would have happened. She was running away from them as much as she was running away to be with this guy.

you had abusive parents

not “over protective” parents

by any chance is it your parents telling you that they were “over protective”?

You are describing 2 different things. Aggressively aspirational, controlling parents who prioritise their own image via reflected success of association aren't the same thing. Overprotective parents are likely to be anxious. Both types have difficulty respecting children's boundaries.

I agree with PPs, not believing a child who is being abused is the absolute opposite of over-protective.

Your parents were neglectful and I’m really sorry you had those experiences.

Over-protective is wrapping children in cotton wool and not letting them develop by removing any risk from their lives. Stopping them going places or doing things that are age appropriate on the grounds they could get hurt. Not encouraging them to spread their wings and do new things. The children then lose out twice, first by not having those experiences with their friends and second by being under-prepared for adulthood. Things like not being allowed to walk to the shop or stay at a friend’s house overnight or go on a school trip.

I do agree that this over-protection isn’t really protecting as it leaves the children at risk when they are older and don’t understand how to deal with normal situations as they’ve been shielded from them.

It sounds as if you are gradually coming to realise that your childhood was unhappy and your parents were not the great parents they told you they were. You are struggling to find ways to label this and make sense of it.

You might find counselling helpful. You might find that you don't need to define your experience to come to terms with it.

Agree with this, overprotectiveness comes from a hyper awareness of what can go wrong, based on experience.

My mother was over protective but also neglectful . For example I wasn’t allowed to do things that friends were such as travelling to town on the bus or going out at night to “protect” me. But there was no love or care or interest in me. So I was just a bit like a bored prisoner until I was old enough to leave

I understand what you mean, OP. What you describe is parents wanting to control every aspect of a child’s life - essentially seeing the child as an extension of self with no autonomous will. That is a controlling parent who will not respect the child’s boundaries.

i think there can be genuinely overprotective parents who have different (and more valid) objectives based on their child’s interests and not their own. However, I think a lot of the controlling parents you describe would use “over-protectiveness” as a socially acceptable justification for their actions.

I assume protecting her from mixing with undesirables, I know what you mean op, for over protective read controlling and enmeshed.

Ah well that’s a classic then, I’m doing this for your own good, you’d not survive without me etc etc. yes that resonates, I’d have described my mum as over protective probably once of a day. It’s done to keep you in line and to stop you seeing it for what it is.

you’ve recognised it wasn’t right which is half the battle though.

That means that they were under-protective.

Sorry that you suffered that.

I think I’m probably considered to be slightly overprotective. I don’t allow access to 18 movies or video games when they be were young, I would issue a curfew if my children actually went out at night.

they absolutely choose their own friends but if I felt there was a friend that was “leading them astray” I might ask them to consider their friends actions.

We’d pick them up from the train station if it was raining.

if they tell me something my first thought would be to believe them, particularly if they disclosed that someone was hurting them.

In short, I’ve got their back. Being over protective is about not wanting your child to suffer emotional or physical pain. Although some of it is necessary as part of the human experience.

And, yes, I was very unprotected as a child and teenager

As other PPs have said your parents sound controlling and dismissive rather than over protective- I’m guessing they used the word protective when justifying their actions which is where the confusion is.

I hope you manage to find a pathway to healing.

Yes

That makes sense @Sparting no they weren’t over protective they sound under nourishing as parents and defensive.

None under 18

Yes I definitely agree with your first paragraph

Forcing friendships isn’t what I would call overprotective, it’s just controlling.

‘Overprotective’ parents generally have anxiety disorders and it leads them to become helicopter parents. They believe they have their child’s best interests at heart generally and don’t do it to be abusive.

No I don't think that's what most people think of that term. Over protective to me means getting rid of any obstacles and not letting your child experience things that may well put them out of their comfort zone but are essential part of growing up. Like not allowing them to walk to school or take a bus to meet friends or play football because they might get hurt. And in contrast to your experience ALWAYS taking their child's side of any issue. They do poorly in a test? It must be the teachers fault. They have a fight with a friend? Definitely the other child was in the wrong.
Your parents were controlling, not protective.

It sounds like they might have been overbearing, rather than overprotective?

By giving them as much freedom as possible . They're much more confident than I ever was