To think ‘overprotective’ parents aren’t even ‘protective’?

[Sparting]

My experience of overprotective parents is that they’re so convinced they’re ’always right’ that they don’t protect their children because they often override their child’s legitimate concerns.

My parents forced a friendship between me and this girl when I was 11 because the ‘friend’ was from an educated, middle class background and my mother was a snob. This girl was very bitchy, snide and superior to me and ruined my self esteem but when I complained about her to my mum she just said No!!! and shouted me down, as if she didn’t want to contemplate this

i think overprotective parenting is all about overstepping their child’s boundaries.

For what it’s worth, I think there’s a huge overlap between overprotectiveness, abusiveness and narcissism in parents.

AIBU?

I’m glad you’ve said it was abusive. This would help explain my misery in childhood and early adulthood

Thanks for this it explains my unhappiness in childhood

Both dead

Both dead but I’m glad you’ve validated my feelings because they - especially my mum - made me so miserable growing up

I know what you mean, I think there is a type of 'overprotectiveness' that is essentially the parent wanting an inappropriate level of control over the child, especially as they get older and should be building up more independence. I'm not sure about your examples but definitely overriding the child's instincts is part of it.

My parents were like this and it was very difficult because it was so dictatorial, didn't give me a chance to build confidence doing things and made me 'different' to my friends. It's isolating as well. Plus overreacting to very minor teenage behaviour.

I'm not sure the overprotective is the right term in a way, it's really about control and yes fear of the 'threat' of your child deviating from a narrow path of what's considered acceptable.

Yes definitely!

YABU. Your examples are the opposite of overprotective. If they were overprotective, they'd be doing the opposite of what they did and possibly go the extreme length to keep you away from whatever danger there is/they perceive there to be. That's what overprotective means.

Oh thanks so much for this - I think you’ve hit the nail absolutely on the head! I can especially relate to the huge overreaction bit over every minor teenage misdemeanour!

I definitely want to save your post to read back on because I just think you’re right with everything you’ve posted.

loads of posters have posted really helpful responses to my OP - thank you all very much !

Agree with others, what you’re saying doesn’t make sense. Your mother forcing you to be friends with that girl isn’t good at all but I wouldn’t class that as overprotective. It’s weird behaviour for sure though!

Most parents want the best for their children so if a 15 year old girl said she was going out at midnight alone in the dark for a walk, most parents would likely say no. It’s not safe. I‘m sure the girl with feel her parents are being over protective but they are looking out for her best interests as she can’t risk assess obviously…..

Whilst the girl may complain that her parents are overbearing and ruining her fun, I’d much prefer parents like that than ones that didn’t give a shit where their 15 year old daughter is at midnight….

It can be if it interefers with a child's normal growth, development and experiences.

My mother was very weird indeed !

Neither of your examples so far fit into this. If anything, they didn't protect you at all, let alone overprotective you. Your parents were probably neglectful or threw you to the wolves to figure life out on your own. It's the other extreme.

Also not sure your original story backs up your AIBU, but YANBU that overprotective parenting doesn't protect kids. It stands between kids and developing their own sense of judgement, whether that is about who is good to have as a friend, what your boundaries should be or crossing a street.

Overprotective parents spend a lot of time claiming their kids are too young to do things but not thinking about what their kids need to be able to do in the next few years. And then you end up with young people who are not streetwise, can't cope with setbacks and are scared of talking to, say, restaurant or shop staff of other people there to help them because they've not had age appropriate opportunities to do that and now feel super awkward about it.

Totally agree -,especially re judgement about friends in the first paragraph

What was over protective about that?
It was nothing of the sort?

I think you’re probably the only person who would say that.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to my thread. My mum also happened to be gin addled and could get very aggressive in drink. If she was overprotective, she’d never have exposed me to this, right? She used to get very aggressive with me as a primary school child when I pointed out she was drunk

The examples you have given are of parents who were snobby and controlling. That is not to say that snobby/controlling parents cannot also be over protective in some ways but they are still different things.

For example my parents made me have piano lessons and tennis coaching because it was what naice middle class families did. It was tough shit that I wasn't interested and would rather have done dance lessons. It was all about what their posh neighbours might think. I would say my mum was also over protective in that we weren't allowed to play out, ride bikes on the road etc. That is a bit different to my other examples though.

I can definitely relate to piano lessons but I was allowed to cycle alone -,quite far actually!

Is that overprotective parenting or is that controlling behaviour? I am called o er protective because I won’t allow certain things until I deem them to be age appropriate- so my kids friends call me over protective (Fortnite at 7 years of age is a no for example).

i would never hoist a friendship on my child as to my mind that’s controlling behaviour. Entirely different.

Your last paragraph shows you’re a much better parent than my mum ever was ❤️

I'd agree it sounds overprotective as in she wanted you to be friends with the 'posh' kid (presumably has better future prospects) than somebody who you actually gelled with who she may have seen as inferior.
Also in lines with your narcissism overlap theory.

Exactly/ thank you ❤️